Seen and not heard.

Something that has stuck with me since childhood has been my father's voice telling me that I should be seen and not heard.

Let that sink in for a second.

I'd like to think that this has molded me into a person that is observant, but recent revelations have very obviously enlightened me that not everyone was raised this way nor does my silence warrant observance. Instead, the overflow of words deafen me until I can't hear anything else. It has created a way of thinking that what I have to say is not important and that actions are the only way to be believed.

In doing the work on myself, I'm so sorry to every person that my lack of spoken communication has effected. Please know that I'm trying so hard to express and untangle the mess in my head. I'm trying. The hardest part for me personally is having others ask for input or try and drive home how important communication is and inform me of how I'm a total failure at it  and then totally dismiss what I have to say or talk over me (because believe me, THEY DO). My personal favorite is when they READ a text/email/social media post and then question why I can't speak up like this in the moment. Because my brain doesn't communicate to my mouth to open and let the words fall out. If I'm going to word vomit or elaborate on anything, my brain says, "DO NOT DO THAT, DON'T. JUST STOP."

Seen and not heard.

I want to see people in action so I'm not alone in my own actions. Can we speak with body language? Smoke signals? THE WRITTEN WORD? If you love me, meet me in the middle. You don't know the struggle of silencing my brain just to open my mouth for you. And I'm not a foreigner, we don't have to speak louder to me in an effort to make me understand your language. All that does at the end of the day is send me into sensory overdrive and my emotions say, "Cue waterworks! Bring the tears! Dehydrate the bitch so she'll have to shut her mouth around a water bottle instead of letting the words fall where the tears lie." See what I did there? Not even I can discern whether I meant the act of lying or the location of my tears.

Seen and not heard.

It's apparent that I'm in survival mode as a parent. *Ba Dum TING!* With three excruciatingly different children and only one of me, shit is bound to hit the fan more often than not. I pride myself in maintaining the shit show to a minimum of once every 3 weeks... today was that day for the cycle to begin anew. It started with "Little" screaming in frustration, "Big" reacting with his own frustration and in a bizarre twist of events physical altercation with "Little." Once I started raising my voice, "Middle" lost HER shit and we were all crying and screaming. Nothing says totally winning at this parenting thing like everyone in the community hearing your mom voice for the first time because you were OVER. ALL. OF. IT. The absolute cherry on top? Getting "Little" successfully out of the truck with no screaming from him, until he and I both realized simultaneously that we had FORGOTTEN HIS BACKPACK during the scuffle and then returned with forgotten backpack realizing I'd left ALL of my masks in MY lunchbox which also? Conveniently still inside our apartment. I legit opened the door, placed the backpack inside the door, flagged the first person to greet me with a "YOU CANNOT COME IN HERE WITHOUT A MASK" with "I'M TOTALLY AWARE AND A MESS, THIS IS FOR THE ONLY ONE OF MY CHILDREN WITH <<INSERT LAST NAME HERE>> FOR A LAST NAME IN THIS SCHOOL BYEEEEE!" #fuckingdone I ugly cried for two solid hours (and am still periodically getting overwhelmed two hours after the last tear dried.)

I'd also looooooooove to add that commenting that maybe my nerves are shot would be an understatement. I ripped those bitches open when I sliced open my leg and they are ANGRY. Shot? No. Alive and reminding me that I'm a graceful idiot, yes. Tylenol is not touching angry nerve pain.

Seen and not heard.

So moral of the story? If you see me crying, please wait till after I get off my shift to ask me if I'm ok. In attempting to verbalize aloud for everyone else to hear my words, it's become increasingly apparent that I will become overtly emotional and probably become incoherent with everything that's built up behind the flood gate.

Or you could just read my word vomit and be done.

May the odds be ever in your favor.