Rituals

Fall has this ridiculous way of intoxicating me, bringing out my inner voice so I can hear my wants and needs more clearly. With the windows flung open across my home, I can feel the breeze curling it's way into our bedrooms and other most sacred places. The sage starts to glow from within and the flame heightens with white smoke billowing from the top as I purse my lips and blow softly to quiet the flame. I can see the smoke following the breeze and I start from the farthest room and work my way towards the front door.

There are still boxes piled up in the living room, but not nearly as many as this time a week ago. It's starting to look and feel more like home; our scents are mingled into the carpet fibers now and the newness is fading. The floor hums with each footfall, accepting my path as I invite the sage smoke into every crevice and corner. I hesitate while standing in the middle of the sun room. Something still doesn't feel right about the set up with the desk, loveseat and play table, but it's the only room that can allow room for all three items and still have room to maneuver. The cats like the set up as my youngest doesn't see them lying on the window sills soaking up rays while the loveseat hides them from view.

I haven't reached out to really talk to the ex to see how he's doing, see how his arrangements are working out for him. Part of me knows that it's better for him to not hear from me right now, and the other part mourns for my friend. Little has brought his name up in some nonsensical play, but I think middle and big are still processing the shift in their own ways as well. I don't hate him, I never did. 

I'm bringing attention and intention to our space. I want nothing more than to fill it with laughter and peace after all that's happened to us these past 5 years. I am living my life for me and my kids and I'm no longer allowing negativity or toxic behavior into our home/lives.

I finalize my walk around my room, circling my bed and welcoming the smoke to rest over my bed and out the window. The sage comes to rest on my bedside table between the bed and window to burn out peacefully.