There's nothing sudden about death. From an outsider's point of view, it can be seen as unexpected or untimely... maybe they never saw it coming much as I did when I lost the person I thought was my best friend, my husband. While he didn't physically die before my eyes, the grief and trauma were there. And while I'm still working through my grief and understanding, I'm beginning to understand myself and my personal relationships better as well.
That's where this becomes a casualty of my own understanding. Somewhere in the past 9 months, we lost the spark. Instead of babying the spark and nourishing it to survive change, the spark became covered and hidden away. There are fleeting glimpses of it every now and again, but I'm beginning to believe that the spark? It was simply a way of helping each other to survive the upheaval of our lives over these past two years. I truly believe that you and I were meant to spend this time together in the cozy comfort of our friendship wrapped around us like a warm blanket. I've also learned during time what I want for myself, and it's to fully be there for my kids and to focus on them and their future endeavors. The allure of a two income household and having a partner was selfishly blinding in it's own way, but then after you moved "home" I realized that you too are holding on to "us" as if "we" will save each other independently. I should have seen this when we looked into homes and living situations that would bring us together, but honestly only separated us more. I should have known when we were looking at rings and I hated every single one. I should have stood up and said something then, not now. I should have voiced my hesitation and stood firm on how I felt instead of praying for positive changes. It feels we clung to each other while the miles were many and the together days were few because the "escape" to one another was exciting and adventurous. Now that we're closer in proximity, it feels like are farther away. I should have done a lot of things and said a lot then, but I'm saying them now.
I need us to not be us. I need to be by myself; just me and my kids. I don't want to share space. I fully 110% believe that we were meant to spend the time we've had with each other. I feel that my relationship and love for my own children gave you the strength to leave a job you were personally passionate about so you could transfer that passion into the family you love here. You helped me infinitely in saving me from myself when I was self destructive and grief stricken; you helped to remind me that I am worthy of love and respect.
I still adore everything about you as a human, but I no longer feel that adoration as a partner. Not for anything you currently are or even aren't, there's nothing you've done to make me want our story to simply end and it breaks my heart to even want this because I don't want to hurt YOU. You deserve someone who wants to go out after a concert tonight without worry of tomorrow. You deserve someone who wants marriage AND porch parties. You deserve to love yourself as much or more than the love that's coming to you and I can't give you that. Only you can give yourself that.
That's where this becomes a casualty of my own understanding. Somewhere in the past 9 months, we lost the spark. Instead of babying the spark and nourishing it to survive change, the spark became covered and hidden away. There are fleeting glimpses of it every now and again, but I'm beginning to believe that the spark? It was simply a way of helping each other to survive the upheaval of our lives over these past two years. I truly believe that you and I were meant to spend this time together in the cozy comfort of our friendship wrapped around us like a warm blanket. I've also learned during time what I want for myself, and it's to fully be there for my kids and to focus on them and their future endeavors. The allure of a two income household and having a partner was selfishly blinding in it's own way, but then after you moved "home" I realized that you too are holding on to "us" as if "we" will save each other independently. I should have seen this when we looked into homes and living situations that would bring us together, but honestly only separated us more. I should have known when we were looking at rings and I hated every single one. I should have stood up and said something then, not now. I should have voiced my hesitation and stood firm on how I felt instead of praying for positive changes. It feels we clung to each other while the miles were many and the together days were few because the "escape" to one another was exciting and adventurous. Now that we're closer in proximity, it feels like are farther away. I should have done a lot of things and said a lot then, but I'm saying them now.
I need us to not be us. I need to be by myself; just me and my kids. I don't want to share space. I fully 110% believe that we were meant to spend the time we've had with each other. I feel that my relationship and love for my own children gave you the strength to leave a job you were personally passionate about so you could transfer that passion into the family you love here. You helped me infinitely in saving me from myself when I was self destructive and grief stricken; you helped to remind me that I am worthy of love and respect.
I still adore everything about you as a human, but I no longer feel that adoration as a partner. Not for anything you currently are or even aren't, there's nothing you've done to make me want our story to simply end and it breaks my heart to even want this because I don't want to hurt YOU. You deserve someone who wants to go out after a concert tonight without worry of tomorrow. You deserve someone who wants marriage AND porch parties. You deserve to love yourself as much or more than the love that's coming to you and I can't give you that. Only you can give yourself that.
