Hot Rollers and Hairspray

2020 was supposed to be a year of "doing" instead of another day filled with "Groundhog Days." I even kicked off 40x40 GUNG HO READY TO GO! I put my blinders on and plowed head first into what I thought was going to be the best year ever as I'm sure so many other people did. I took the initiative and threw all caution to the wind and moved myself, my father, my kids and the then boyfriend into a massive big beautiful house. We bought tickets to various events and venues. We celebrated birthdays and holidays. Everything tinted with COVID in the forefront of our minds.

My ADHD brain can't stay on topic; lets work up a list.

Things 2020 took from me but with a twist!

• For Christmas last year, we received season passes to Six Flags. I have yet to activate them (sorry mom!) as every time I think to do it, the COVID numbers spike and yeah no. In losing the ability to hit the park with the kids, I gained the ability to spend more quality time with them. When Middle and Big wanted to do their own things (not spend time with their mother and baby brother because EW GROSS), we blew up a big inflatable pool and enjoyed some sunshine.
• Alanis, Liz Phair and Garbage were doing a tour together and the then boyfriend snatched up tickets right before they sold out. 2020 took my chance at seeing Liz Phair live away from me (I mean, I was there for Alanis and Garbage too, but Liz has my HEART.) What it gave me? The opportunity to introduce the kids to her music.
• Ben Folds life with the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra. THIS one made me super bitter. This? Was my version of Metallica's S&M -- also a great album. I used to wear out a radio recording (on tape no less) of Ben live at Eddie's Attic in Atlanta during the 90's. I can't tell you how many copies of Ben Folds Live I had before I was able to upload onto my phone/iPod. I remember hearing stories of how he would wear out a piano the way some rock stars would smash guitars on stage. Every time they changed the dates (before inevitably cancelling altogether) my sister and I would rearrange our calendars because we were NOT going to miss this opportunity. While the glimmer of hope in THIS "taken by 2020" is extremely small, like a sliver more than a glimmer honestly (don't ask me how to measure the two, it just sounds better in my noggin), there's still the light in knowing I always have my sister as a concert buddy.
• The boyfriend/best friend. Yup. 2020 took my status as "taken" away, but that is OK! IT'S LITERALLY A GOOD THING!! He is/was not a bad human, anything but. He's human. We all make mistakes and make bad decisions and have our own opinions and beliefs and this doesn't make us terrible people. 2020 gave me the ability to recognize and come to terms with some people make better friends, no matter how much you love someone. And I did love him very much, but it took me the last few months of our relationship to realize that I loved him as the friend he's always been to me. However, no amount of love made us "right." I don't know how to say it other than that honestly. We didn't mesh in that yin and yang sort of way or just "flow." And if there's anything I've learned this year, it's that if you have to force something it's better to let it just be. Plus, if you refer back to my first 40x40 post, I wanted to survive somewhere just me and the kids and forcing us together in that big beautiful house was the very opposite.
  

All of this is really just brain static, the noise in my head as I tried to find some way ANY way to make my hair look natural this morning while also wielding hot rollers to my head and suffocating myself with hair spray. No amount of any hair "magic" was fixing it. The daughter even came down the hall, looked at me and said, "did you do something to your hair? Because it looks like you didn't." Thanks kid... at this point, it's better to just leave 2020 be and set our intentions and eyes on 2021.

Can I get an Amen? Hallelujah?