Artificial Sweetener.

 Re-read, re-write, re-do, undo...

There's a lot of static in my head currently, but something empowering has been the realization that I'm so grateful. Like, overwhelmingly so, just regarding my life in general.

I can look in the mirror and see where my skin has stretched and pulled and begged for relief from three pregnancies. I remember before kids I'd gag at my "rolls" and make the ex-husband swear to put me out of my misery if I ever crossed over the 200 pound line. I gained 60 pounds with my first kid. I lost, gained, lost and gained some more and I'm still slightly over that line and you know what? I'm not miserable. I'm not so out of shape that I can't chase Little in heels across two yards, or that I can't channel my inner cheerleader wannabe self from 8th grade and do a high kick to freak my oldest out. I can still run, do yoga and shave my own legs without getting short of breath. 

I can tell you which stretch marks belong to which pregnancy. 

I can barely reach with the tips of my fingers, the scars that dot my back from skin cancer surgery from 5th grade. 

I can spot acne scars from a mirror across the room, but I also know that my incessant nervous picking during 10 years of being married to the wrong person didn't help that. 

I like to flex the muscles of my legs in awe that they carried myself and three big babies through 27 long months of pregnancy as well as two hands full of finish lines. 

These poor rough feet look amazing in heels, but tell a story of a woman who walks miles upon miles each day to provide for her children.

The small calloused hands also speak volumes of a woman who does things for herself before she'll ever ask for help.

The lines around my eyes tell of happy laughter, my arms the most welcoming hug, and this chest has been a resting spot for many babies and will be for more babies (hopefully grand babies, nieces and nephews) in the future.

This body is nothing short of miraculous, and I am so grateful for every inch of it.

If you could read my lab work you would see that I work hard to keep all my numbers in the right places. That despite my size, I'm probably healthier and more proactive about my health and the genetic issues that keep me up at night than your best friend or neighbor. I've got my vices, but I also make most decisions out of moderation and physical need.

It's not that I want to outlive all of you, it's that I want to live to see all of you, my children, their children, my partner if that ever happens again... I want to see you all live happy, healthy lives. I still have so much to experience and so much life to enjoy.

I know that if I were to pass tomorrow of some unforeseen tragedy, I know that I will have still lived a life worth writing about. I know that my kids will know how much I loved them. I know that there will be good stories to tell at my wake. I'm not ready for that yet. I still have so much love and life in me aching to come out.

Take care of yourselves. Look in the mirror and remember how amazing that reflection is, and be grateful that this body has worked so hard to get you to where you are today and how much life you still need it for. Take care of YOU. Love YOURSELF. You and your body will be stuck WITH you for the rest of YOUR life. Show it some compassion and gratitude for how far you've come.