To the man I fathered children with,
You have 4 beautiful, intelligent, quirky, amazing children, one of which isn't even mine but I'd snatch her up in a heartbeat. You even come from a family with these same qualities. So what happened? Why do you think it's perfectly normal to not speak to your children? Our children were born into a family with a mother and father who were husband and wife far longer than they were even a whisper in our minds. They saw you and spoke to you every day up until you left them behind.
Do you think they don't know you live less than two miles away? Do you think they should come to you? That they should be the ones proactive in their communication? Do you think that they are unaware of your living situation? That they don't know that there are two children in your current household who speak to and get to physically see and hear your voice each and every day? Do you truly believe that your silence doesn't effect them in a harmful way? You were the first face they saw each day after school. You were their ally when mom was too strict or "unfair." You were their play while I was their work. You were their adventure when I was their cozy safe nest. You were so adamant in their early years to enforce in them that we would work to be a team, and you even swore to them as you left them behind that we would continue to be a team.
I wasn't completely ignorant to the fact that the important stuff (all of it) in regards to their well being and structure fell completely on me before the divorce. But now, it's even more obvious that your absence is felt at doctor's appointments, teacher's meetings, or during meltdowns involving two or more of the kids. And it's not your presence that is missed so much in this regard, but knowing that I am 100% alone. I am working daily to flip the switch on my brain. I'm not 100% alone, I'm 100% independent of YOU. I'm 100% free of your judgement and contempt in how I raise and discipline our children. I'm 100% (more like 1000%) happier knowing I don't have to walk on eggshells nor do I feel the need to seek assurance or permission from you so that YOU can sleep at night feeling as if you're in charge. It was never your name that signed the important documents. Never your signature on permission slips or disciplinary forms. Never your voice speaking up on these kids behalves.
So now, over a year and a half since you walked away, you have left behind three children who doubt themselves, self harm, blame themselves, have hate in their hearts, and are conflicted about what the definition of love really means in conjunction with their own lives. You see, they SEE you. They KNOW you better than you possibly realize. And they are worthy of having TWO parents who bend over backwards to see them succeed. That can't just be me. I've played the part of both parents since they arrived on the scene, no more. You need to be held accountable for all FOUR lives you brought into the world. You can't leave a family behind that the only support you offered in the end was barely your mental and physical presence to become the family man to a woman and her two children and then COMPLAIN to your own children that you can't afford to do this or that for THEM. You can't do that, and then you do it anyways. You shouldn't bring more children into the world when you don't take responsibility for the ones you already have. And responsibility is more than just child support (we're not even there yet.) Responsibility is finding childcare or helping to fund childcare because you can't CARE for your CHILD due to work, illness or otherwise. Myself, the mother of OUR children, pays and provides 100% of childcare both during the school year and when she needs a mental break. Because you see, unlike you, I didn't jump into the arms of the first person that felt pity. I didn't lock myself away in my bedroom and pawn my duties off on one of the older children. I am present 110% of the time because even when they are with you, they're calling/texting/FaceTiming me at least 3x a day per kid. I don't get a break, not even when they're with you. So, what's that like? To be able to tell the children in your home, and I quote, "Go ask your biological parent, I'm not your parent." What's that like to just feel like taking a day off? Go ahead, I can wait, I've been waiting over 11 years to know what it's like to decide when to be a parent. When they're in your care and have something important to their education, I'm told that "your" house is for relaxing and play... which I'm sure makes you feel like the best "parent" ever. But you'll learn soon enough as you apparently didn't learn it from your own relationship with your OWN father. Being a parent means you're not their buddy. You can't pick and choose. Something you griped about a lot in the years you worked to build something between you and your own dad. Now you want to take them on a trip a few days early before your last weekend with them before school starts and you believe that it doesn't matter whether or not they have "meet the teacher" or need to do tours of their school. Your oldest child starts his first year of middle school this year. He suffered through an entire school year in the same class as his now step-brother, who's mother is THE woman you left HIS mother for. You don't think last year was the least bit uncomfortable for him in a time when his hormones are starting to rage and his emotions are already at an all time high? Or how about your daughter who's going through some emotional and psychological changes now that HER hormones and brain chemicals are changing. She's already been made to feel as if she doesn't matter to you, her words being, "How long do you think daddy will leave the new baby now that he's left my sister with his first wife, me with you, and now he has a new daughter on the way?" What do you tell your child when they vomit that sort of truth out on you like that? You don't think life was heartbreaking for her as well?? You weren't the only one who lost a baby, your children lost a sibling. Something they had never experienced before in their little lifetimes. Your daughter is traumatized and heartbroken that her daddy, HER Prince Charming, walked away from her. What did you teach BOTH your living daughters about parental roles? About the role a father should play in their lives? Or what about your youngest. Our sweet (not quite a) baby... While I was slaying dragons and fighting the good fight for him, appealing for more speech therapy and communication studies before he started public school. During all of this you were taking him to secret meetings between you and the woman you dropped everything for. To him, he was your everything. You were the one who got him through his day. Barely. Removing you from the majority of his life will be the best thing I have ever done for him. No longer do I have to worry about passive aggressive threats or receiving videos of our child inconsolable because you didn't feel "well enough" to care for him. No longer do I have to worry about how you are harming him, a little man who can't speak up for himself verbally and relies on his caretakers to speak FOR him. No longer do I have to worry about the damage you're causing him by denying his abilities and disabilities, therapies and schedule.
So now, I am holding you accountable. Finally! FINALLY you will either be tossed under the jail so you can't keep procreating and leaving innocent life in your wake or you will for once become responsible enough to take care and care for the children you've already fathered. Even my own significant other has been in your shoes, exclaiming to the judge that you can't squeeze blood from a stone. And I'm here to tell you that judges don't care. You felt adult enough to pretend to be an adult long enough to bring these kids into the world, you are now going to be held responsible for your actions. Maybe you'll have to work two or three jobs, or maybe, just maybe you will realize that your kids are worth more than anything you could ever do for them. Because I promise you this, even if you WANTED to deny your children the burden of having you as their father just as you did your oldest daughter... I will die fighting for them and for your ability to cast your responsibility to them aside.
You have 4 beautiful, intelligent, quirky, amazing children, one of which isn't even mine but I'd snatch her up in a heartbeat. You even come from a family with these same qualities. So what happened? Why do you think it's perfectly normal to not speak to your children? Our children were born into a family with a mother and father who were husband and wife far longer than they were even a whisper in our minds. They saw you and spoke to you every day up until you left them behind.
Do you think they don't know you live less than two miles away? Do you think they should come to you? That they should be the ones proactive in their communication? Do you think that they are unaware of your living situation? That they don't know that there are two children in your current household who speak to and get to physically see and hear your voice each and every day? Do you truly believe that your silence doesn't effect them in a harmful way? You were the first face they saw each day after school. You were their ally when mom was too strict or "unfair." You were their play while I was their work. You were their adventure when I was their cozy safe nest. You were so adamant in their early years to enforce in them that we would work to be a team, and you even swore to them as you left them behind that we would continue to be a team.
I wasn't completely ignorant to the fact that the important stuff (all of it) in regards to their well being and structure fell completely on me before the divorce. But now, it's even more obvious that your absence is felt at doctor's appointments, teacher's meetings, or during meltdowns involving two or more of the kids. And it's not your presence that is missed so much in this regard, but knowing that I am 100% alone. I am working daily to flip the switch on my brain. I'm not 100% alone, I'm 100% independent of YOU. I'm 100% free of your judgement and contempt in how I raise and discipline our children. I'm 100% (more like 1000%) happier knowing I don't have to walk on eggshells nor do I feel the need to seek assurance or permission from you so that YOU can sleep at night feeling as if you're in charge. It was never your name that signed the important documents. Never your signature on permission slips or disciplinary forms. Never your voice speaking up on these kids behalves.
So now, over a year and a half since you walked away, you have left behind three children who doubt themselves, self harm, blame themselves, have hate in their hearts, and are conflicted about what the definition of love really means in conjunction with their own lives. You see, they SEE you. They KNOW you better than you possibly realize. And they are worthy of having TWO parents who bend over backwards to see them succeed. That can't just be me. I've played the part of both parents since they arrived on the scene, no more. You need to be held accountable for all FOUR lives you brought into the world. You can't leave a family behind that the only support you offered in the end was barely your mental and physical presence to become the family man to a woman and her two children and then COMPLAIN to your own children that you can't afford to do this or that for THEM. You can't do that, and then you do it anyways. You shouldn't bring more children into the world when you don't take responsibility for the ones you already have. And responsibility is more than just child support (we're not even there yet.) Responsibility is finding childcare or helping to fund childcare because you can't CARE for your CHILD due to work, illness or otherwise. Myself, the mother of OUR children, pays and provides 100% of childcare both during the school year and when she needs a mental break. Because you see, unlike you, I didn't jump into the arms of the first person that felt pity. I didn't lock myself away in my bedroom and pawn my duties off on one of the older children. I am present 110% of the time because even when they are with you, they're calling/texting/FaceTiming me at least 3x a day per kid. I don't get a break, not even when they're with you. So, what's that like? To be able to tell the children in your home, and I quote, "Go ask your biological parent, I'm not your parent." What's that like to just feel like taking a day off? Go ahead, I can wait, I've been waiting over 11 years to know what it's like to decide when to be a parent. When they're in your care and have something important to their education, I'm told that "your" house is for relaxing and play... which I'm sure makes you feel like the best "parent" ever. But you'll learn soon enough as you apparently didn't learn it from your own relationship with your OWN father. Being a parent means you're not their buddy. You can't pick and choose. Something you griped about a lot in the years you worked to build something between you and your own dad. Now you want to take them on a trip a few days early before your last weekend with them before school starts and you believe that it doesn't matter whether or not they have "meet the teacher" or need to do tours of their school. Your oldest child starts his first year of middle school this year. He suffered through an entire school year in the same class as his now step-brother, who's mother is THE woman you left HIS mother for. You don't think last year was the least bit uncomfortable for him in a time when his hormones are starting to rage and his emotions are already at an all time high? Or how about your daughter who's going through some emotional and psychological changes now that HER hormones and brain chemicals are changing. She's already been made to feel as if she doesn't matter to you, her words being, "How long do you think daddy will leave the new baby now that he's left my sister with his first wife, me with you, and now he has a new daughter on the way?" What do you tell your child when they vomit that sort of truth out on you like that? You don't think life was heartbreaking for her as well?? You weren't the only one who lost a baby, your children lost a sibling. Something they had never experienced before in their little lifetimes. Your daughter is traumatized and heartbroken that her daddy, HER Prince Charming, walked away from her. What did you teach BOTH your living daughters about parental roles? About the role a father should play in their lives? Or what about your youngest. Our sweet (not quite a) baby... While I was slaying dragons and fighting the good fight for him, appealing for more speech therapy and communication studies before he started public school. During all of this you were taking him to secret meetings between you and the woman you dropped everything for. To him, he was your everything. You were the one who got him through his day. Barely. Removing you from the majority of his life will be the best thing I have ever done for him. No longer do I have to worry about passive aggressive threats or receiving videos of our child inconsolable because you didn't feel "well enough" to care for him. No longer do I have to worry about how you are harming him, a little man who can't speak up for himself verbally and relies on his caretakers to speak FOR him. No longer do I have to worry about the damage you're causing him by denying his abilities and disabilities, therapies and schedule.
So now, I am holding you accountable. Finally! FINALLY you will either be tossed under the jail so you can't keep procreating and leaving innocent life in your wake or you will for once become responsible enough to take care and care for the children you've already fathered. Even my own significant other has been in your shoes, exclaiming to the judge that you can't squeeze blood from a stone. And I'm here to tell you that judges don't care. You felt adult enough to pretend to be an adult long enough to bring these kids into the world, you are now going to be held responsible for your actions. Maybe you'll have to work two or three jobs, or maybe, just maybe you will realize that your kids are worth more than anything you could ever do for them. Because I promise you this, even if you WANTED to deny your children the burden of having you as their father just as you did your oldest daughter... I will die fighting for them and for your ability to cast your responsibility to them aside.
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