The kids start school in 2 1/2 weeks and the only weekend I have to do any sort of uninterrupted school shopping is this weekend. Their father won't be taking them for his next weekend as what I assumed or misread was him taking them a few days early was in all actuality HIM needing a weekend off. Have at it, buddy. All I asked was that he help with childcare costs since that was the whole reason he had them every other weekend was to give me a break on childcare costs to begin with.
Yesterday I bit the bullet and called the daycare that they go to during the school year to find out the damage I'd turned I financial blind eye to for the past 2 months. I just could NOT afford to pay them and the sitter and rent AND utilities (you get the picture.) Plus my truck has been in and out of the shop and while the beast hasn't cost me the average of a car payment each month, I'd almost be happier to HAVE a car payment for a vehicle with air conditioner. ONE. FINE. DAY. It'll happen. I just gotta keep pushing that positivity out there into the universe. So, where was I.... child care costs! $900 from a rolling balance (more like a snowball effect type balance). I feel like I can't afford to live. Just me. If I stopped needing things like food, shelter and provisions I could TOTALLY afford childcare AND housing. But it's more like a choice I have to make daily, "one or the other, which do you want?"
I feel like I'm eating my words today. Like the minor "threat" of weather is causing my brain to shut down, meaning I'm exceptionally thankful that the words want to flow from my fingertips as I'd be useless with a journal. Which brings me to this... ever since my health scare earlier this year (another blog another day) I've tried to go easier on myself and abide to the limitations I've had to set. The tension in my hands/fingers have been so bad I haven't been ABLE to write in my journal for what feels like a year. I don't think my kids or the boyfriend are fully appreciative when I write them something heartfelt as they have no clue just how uncomfortable gripping a pencil/pen can be anymore. It's almost a relief knowing nobody reads this or even blogs anymore so I don't have to respond to comments or explain more than what's written here.
Everything that gets written here is my version of the truth. It's from my view point, from my heart. I try not to name names or pin point places as I want to keep everything as "blanketed" as possible for the safety and protection of my children. One day, they too will read what I've written should they ever look for me or my writings. Just as I wouldn't withhold the truth from them if they asked, there's nothing to deny that I've written here. If I have ever written anything in error, I'll either apologize for it or correct the writing itself unless it takes away from the passion that spurred me to write it. As custody and visitation are sticky situations no matter what side of them you are on, I will rectify any writing that I have recognized as false understanding such as the misread of the ex's text regarding what I thought was a trip with the kids and turned out to be without the kids. That's just one little blurb that I knew in my heart after he corrected me was here in black and white and needed to be corrected. It does NOT change the fact that while he and I both have day jobs, I am still the one at the end of the day that handles more than the brunt of childcare costs and it's frustrating and heartbreaking that it's not seen as uneven responsibilities. The kids are OURS, meaning him and I are the responsible parties both physically and financially. It makes zero logical sense that I am paying out of pocket 100% for a sitter and daycare year round. If I decide/decided to go out while they are in my care, then yes, the responsibility should be fully on myself and I should not be chastised for making that decision to take care of my own mental health to get a way for a few hours. It just is what it is.
It seems as though at this point the only route left to take is to modify child support to update marriage information (him not me), update employment (again, him not me) and have it enforced so he doesn't have to worry about the choice of providing for her kids or our kids as that's how it feels at the end of the day... which household is more deserving and worthy of his support. Maybe then we'll also be able to hash out mandatory visitation and childcare responsibilities while we're at it seeing as how every opportunity I've given him to assist me in co-parenting has been met with enormous backlash. As I've heard in therapy and on other forums, it is NOT my responsibility to inform him of every teacher meeting, doctor's appointment, school event. The Board of Education provides calendars for each school they go to, he has one child in his home that goes to the same school as HIS son who should be able to give him an idea to check with his child or the teacher to know when to be present. I am no longer his whipping boy or secretary. I am not responsible for his unhappiness or dissatisfaction in how often he sees his children. He has a choice to see them, he chooses not to more than the 36 hours he utilizes. /end rant on that one.
I did stand up for myself today though. Him and his spouse can dislike who I am, how I live my life, who I worship, who I'm with, but I've done nothing to upset the balance of the kids environment or put them in harms way in any way. Being randomly text and accused of necessitating drama in the middle of my work day REALLY threw me off. I am not a gossip, I'm not a liar, and I have nothing to apologize to them for. Anything I've written or said out loud is public property. Nothing that you put on the internet or say in a text/email/handwritten letter is private. Anything you say OR do will and can be used against you. If you live your life in such a way that you're proud of your progress and who you are? You shouldn't have to defend your actions. So yes, being harassed and accused of giving out her phone number because my name was in someone else's mouth? Let them talk. Don't hurt my feelings none, and those who matter know the truth. The one thing I do mind is people using information they deem to be true against me or in a way that jeopardizes my children's quality of living.
So that's all I need to say or feel necessary to put back out into the universe and out of my brains/off my heart.
Yesterday I bit the bullet and called the daycare that they go to during the school year to find out the damage I'd turned I financial blind eye to for the past 2 months. I just could NOT afford to pay them and the sitter and rent AND utilities (you get the picture.) Plus my truck has been in and out of the shop and while the beast hasn't cost me the average of a car payment each month, I'd almost be happier to HAVE a car payment for a vehicle with air conditioner. ONE. FINE. DAY. It'll happen. I just gotta keep pushing that positivity out there into the universe. So, where was I.... child care costs! $900 from a rolling balance (more like a snowball effect type balance). I feel like I can't afford to live. Just me. If I stopped needing things like food, shelter and provisions I could TOTALLY afford childcare AND housing. But it's more like a choice I have to make daily, "one or the other, which do you want?"
I feel like I'm eating my words today. Like the minor "threat" of weather is causing my brain to shut down, meaning I'm exceptionally thankful that the words want to flow from my fingertips as I'd be useless with a journal. Which brings me to this... ever since my health scare earlier this year (another blog another day) I've tried to go easier on myself and abide to the limitations I've had to set. The tension in my hands/fingers have been so bad I haven't been ABLE to write in my journal for what feels like a year. I don't think my kids or the boyfriend are fully appreciative when I write them something heartfelt as they have no clue just how uncomfortable gripping a pencil/pen can be anymore. It's almost a relief knowing nobody reads this or even blogs anymore so I don't have to respond to comments or explain more than what's written here.
Everything that gets written here is my version of the truth. It's from my view point, from my heart. I try not to name names or pin point places as I want to keep everything as "blanketed" as possible for the safety and protection of my children. One day, they too will read what I've written should they ever look for me or my writings. Just as I wouldn't withhold the truth from them if they asked, there's nothing to deny that I've written here. If I have ever written anything in error, I'll either apologize for it or correct the writing itself unless it takes away from the passion that spurred me to write it. As custody and visitation are sticky situations no matter what side of them you are on, I will rectify any writing that I have recognized as false understanding such as the misread of the ex's text regarding what I thought was a trip with the kids and turned out to be without the kids. That's just one little blurb that I knew in my heart after he corrected me was here in black and white and needed to be corrected. It does NOT change the fact that while he and I both have day jobs, I am still the one at the end of the day that handles more than the brunt of childcare costs and it's frustrating and heartbreaking that it's not seen as uneven responsibilities. The kids are OURS, meaning him and I are the responsible parties both physically and financially. It makes zero logical sense that I am paying out of pocket 100% for a sitter and daycare year round. If I decide/decided to go out while they are in my care, then yes, the responsibility should be fully on myself and I should not be chastised for making that decision to take care of my own mental health to get a way for a few hours. It just is what it is.
It seems as though at this point the only route left to take is to modify child support to update marriage information (him not me), update employment (again, him not me) and have it enforced so he doesn't have to worry about the choice of providing for her kids or our kids as that's how it feels at the end of the day... which household is more deserving and worthy of his support. Maybe then we'll also be able to hash out mandatory visitation and childcare responsibilities while we're at it seeing as how every opportunity I've given him to assist me in co-parenting has been met with enormous backlash. As I've heard in therapy and on other forums, it is NOT my responsibility to inform him of every teacher meeting, doctor's appointment, school event. The Board of Education provides calendars for each school they go to, he has one child in his home that goes to the same school as HIS son who should be able to give him an idea to check with his child or the teacher to know when to be present. I am no longer his whipping boy or secretary. I am not responsible for his unhappiness or dissatisfaction in how often he sees his children. He has a choice to see them, he chooses not to more than the 36 hours he utilizes. /end rant on that one.
I did stand up for myself today though. Him and his spouse can dislike who I am, how I live my life, who I worship, who I'm with, but I've done nothing to upset the balance of the kids environment or put them in harms way in any way. Being randomly text and accused of necessitating drama in the middle of my work day REALLY threw me off. I am not a gossip, I'm not a liar, and I have nothing to apologize to them for. Anything I've written or said out loud is public property. Nothing that you put on the internet or say in a text/email/handwritten letter is private. Anything you say OR do will and can be used against you. If you live your life in such a way that you're proud of your progress and who you are? You shouldn't have to defend your actions. So yes, being harassed and accused of giving out her phone number because my name was in someone else's mouth? Let them talk. Don't hurt my feelings none, and those who matter know the truth. The one thing I do mind is people using information they deem to be true against me or in a way that jeopardizes my children's quality of living.
So that's all I need to say or feel necessary to put back out into the universe and out of my brains/off my heart.
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