I feel safe with you.
Around Christmas time after we came back from Brunswick, I realized that I'm not as open with you as I thought I was. I realized that all of our time together I'm doing EVERYTHING in my power to keep "you and me" as this amazing relationship, not just as it's been on our weekends together but every day. I realized that in order to keep myself from getting hurt again, I had to stop imagining some sort of future with you so I could just live in those sweet moments with you.
Because you're not here, physically with me, sometimes it feels like you're a much needed vacation at the end of a busy week, a reward for good behavior. But, you're not just my prize. My love for you is bittersweet because I'm achingly afraid you will hurt me. I was married to a man that never deserved me, but he told me he'd never hurt me and after seeing me suffer the heartache of a failed engagement, he swore to never see me hurt like that again. I want to believe you'd never hurt me like that. I want to believe you'd never lie to me or rip the rug out from underneath me.
I'm an honest person, painfully honest. Unless someone tells me something leading in with, "don't ever tell anyone," I'll be the first to spill the beans if questioned because I don't keep secrets. So, I'm scared.
I'm scared and sometimes the fear creeps in on me when I don't expect it. I don't want to fall more in love with you even though I'm afraid that's impossible to ask of me at this point. Just please, don't hurt me. Don't lie or walk away. But don't settle for me either. With you, I feel like I'm precious. Like I'm worthy not just in His eyes. That I'm adored. And that's so so amazing to feel that way. Understand that I'm stubborn, strong willed, hard headed and willing to sacrifice my pride should I fail attempting to do something I should have probably asked for help with. I want to love you forever and ever, but I'm scared to death I'm going to let you down with how "vanilla" I am. I don't like letting my guard down and letting loose. I don't know how to be irresponsible now that I'm responsible for three people other than myself. I'm afraid that you'll hurt them too. Just promise me you won't hurt us or betray our trust. Promise me that one day we can be more than an every other weekend love.
Around Christmas time after we came back from Brunswick, I realized that I'm not as open with you as I thought I was. I realized that all of our time together I'm doing EVERYTHING in my power to keep "you and me" as this amazing relationship, not just as it's been on our weekends together but every day. I realized that in order to keep myself from getting hurt again, I had to stop imagining some sort of future with you so I could just live in those sweet moments with you.
Because you're not here, physically with me, sometimes it feels like you're a much needed vacation at the end of a busy week, a reward for good behavior. But, you're not just my prize. My love for you is bittersweet because I'm achingly afraid you will hurt me. I was married to a man that never deserved me, but he told me he'd never hurt me and after seeing me suffer the heartache of a failed engagement, he swore to never see me hurt like that again. I want to believe you'd never hurt me like that. I want to believe you'd never lie to me or rip the rug out from underneath me.
I'm an honest person, painfully honest. Unless someone tells me something leading in with, "don't ever tell anyone," I'll be the first to spill the beans if questioned because I don't keep secrets. So, I'm scared.
I'm scared and sometimes the fear creeps in on me when I don't expect it. I don't want to fall more in love with you even though I'm afraid that's impossible to ask of me at this point. Just please, don't hurt me. Don't lie or walk away. But don't settle for me either. With you, I feel like I'm precious. Like I'm worthy not just in His eyes. That I'm adored. And that's so so amazing to feel that way. Understand that I'm stubborn, strong willed, hard headed and willing to sacrifice my pride should I fail attempting to do something I should have probably asked for help with. I want to love you forever and ever, but I'm scared to death I'm going to let you down with how "vanilla" I am. I don't like letting my guard down and letting loose. I don't know how to be irresponsible now that I'm responsible for three people other than myself. I'm afraid that you'll hurt them too. Just promise me you won't hurt us or betray our trust. Promise me that one day we can be more than an every other weekend love.
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