Isolation Station.

There is an isolation that comes with surviving an abusive marriage and suddenly finding yourself single in your late 30’s.

For nearly 15 years you lost friends to your “better half.” You would carry on false hope every time you’d hang with another married couple knowing he would positively ruin any chance of the friendship lasting more than a few months. 

Post divorce you would find yourself invited to gatherings with old friends only to find you feel like a third wheel as the odd man out throwing off the balance of all the other couples. Wives no longer trust you around their husbands as you’re the suddenly single neighbor.

So you fill your days with solitaire, crosswords, half assed DIY projects because your brain only has enough energy to get you through the excitement and “gung ho” phase and you’ll find yourself staring at tools and instructions wondering why you bothered. Once the project is finally assembled you don’t trust setting anything on it for fear it will fall because you said “that’s good enough” about 23 times and you had to brace it against the wall with screws you had laying around. Long story short my etarge cabinet doors don’t line up correctly and overlap a little.

This isolation can be deafening. You’ll mistake adult “play dates” with actual social interaction when you’re only scratching an itch… barely scratching the surface of an intimacy that only comes with a companionship you made yourself believe you once had. You’ll get frustrated with partners because nothing lines up or fits “just right” in conversation or togetherness.

You’ll spend time with family who wouldn’t want to be friends with you IRL because there’s no time to pick up new hobbies and make these friends the traditional way. You’ll discover aspects of yourself that were always worthy of love but you’ll have no one to share these gems with. Sometimes you’ll find yourself praying the desperation of human connection can’t be seen in your mannerisms or in the crinkle of your forced smile. Do you show all your teeth or do you keep them hidden? Where are you supposed to put your hands? Should you lean into something? Did you lock your knees? Playing the part of a friendly human gets old.

I find myself now hoping to re-friend familiar faces at an upcoming high school reunion. But… I’m so sick of making an honest effort only to fall into the same “odd man out” situation.

I want friends.

There needs to be a 12 step program for introverts to overcome their anxieties and insecurities long enough to befriend others in similar situations.