Native Tongue

Magnolia, Wisteria, Kudzu, Dogwood, Peach, Pine, Tulip Poplar, Sweet Gum, Mimosa, Crape Myrtle, River Birch, Crab Apple, Hydrangea, Redbud...

My inner monologue lists off the names, ticks them one by one as I pass and acknowledge each plant/tree. I wouldn't be my grandfather's shadow or landscaper's daughter if I couldn't distinguish the difference between redbud and peach blooms or know that you could eat the leaves of the sweet gum tree. Would I be genuinely Southern born and raised if I couldn't identify one of the handful of Peachtree Street's sprinkled throughout our capitol city? Or would you know it from a blood test that I'm a native without my ability to accurately explain (thanks to my love of linguistics) that Peach trees are not native but that "Pitch" trees are (Pines were regularly referred to as Pitch due to their sap by the Native American Creek tribes).

I'll find myself absentmindedly repeating their names in my head when I pass them as I'm driving; their foliage as thick and lush as the humidity itself. I've tried relocating out of state a few times in my early adult life and could never wrap my head around the terrain and local greenery. I would step off the plane and feel millions of miles away, foreign in a country that speaks and looks like me but is incomprehensible and confusing more than comforting. Before long, in this new to me location, I would dream of falling backwards eyes closed into blankets of kudzu (remember this is a dream, IYKYK) while wet hot breezes would wave curtains of violet wisteria blossoms above my body. Home is where invasive Asian vines take over every lot or dried up flood plain.

Not entirely unrelated, dating has been a lot like relocating out of state. I know who I am when I'm at home, but everywhere/everyone else is like pretending you know the native language and then proceeding to panic when you can't understand the words coming so easily from their mouths. I'll look at the bios and pictures of these humans on Tinder, PoF, Hinge, Bumble... and wonder what I did in my short life to deserve such Hell that the only time I have to search for other adult human connection is to tap and swipe in the short moments between the littlest one falling asleep and my eyes following suite. I feel so boring and inadequate in comparison to those I feel I might have any sort of spark with based on bio's alone. They have degrees, salaries, or (worse) have never been married or had children and WANT that in their lives. I feel like I've done everything backwards and the most thrilling time in my life I crammed into the 5 years of my adult life that didn't include either of those while others were binge drinking, hazing and living their best hoe lives on a campus near you.

I've reached a point where the ONLY things I miss from marriage are as follows:

• Comfortable silence.
• Having a best friend that just GETS me.
• Someone to curl into in the middle of the night, on the couch, or when life gets shitty.

I know I have this with my kids, but my kids are CHILDREN. They are not replacements for a spouse/partner and I pray they never feel like I utilize them to meet my personal needs.

I just want someone that meets me on my level and accepts me for who I am and doesn't expect me to be someone I "could" be or who I'm simply not. Most days I'm lucky if I'm able to recoup and recover from work/raising kids 99.9% of my waking life, I just want that teeny tiny .1% to be happy and content both while I'm alone doing my thing and when I'm with other adults in the wild.

To all the dramatically exciting adventurous people I (sometimes) accidentally swiped right on, we're going to call it what it is... mama was just being idealistic. I can't imagine how hard you sleep at the end of your days after all the amazing shit you do just because you can. I wish I'd done some or even most of those things you enjoy, but alas, I'm a better spectator than I am the main attraction. It should be noted that when I'm really into another adult, you won't find a better cheerleader when I see you living your dream or fully submerged in something you love.

Sheesh. Maybe I just need someone to play with my hair until I fall asleep every once in a while.