Siren's Songs

I'm not the marrying type.

I've been married. 

I fine tuned myself to be what he needed, shedding the leaves of myself along the way. I shared space, WE shared space. We made ourselves believe that one person's yin was the other person's yang. Instead, we were chasing ideas of what the other should be so we could complete each other.

But we were not puzzle pieces cut from the same puzzle. We were two pieces that felt right, like we might connect and complete some whole beautiful pictures. We wanted to work, for a long time we wanted to work. In actuality, we were two whole different puzzles with missing pieces of ourselves.

I'm learning now that I'm single. I'm learning that I'm a whole human with no missing pieces. That I only needed to step back, slow down and quiet my monkey mind long enough to enjoy the beauty of a complete puzzle.

But now that I'm enjoying the silence and learning myself as this whole human, I see my heart as a Siren. I catch her singing and luring individuals in as if she calls the shots. I see the words that form in my mind like lyrics, whispering sing song hushed whispers directly into their ears. Part of me wants to stop her, but the other part of me says to enjoy the attention and enjoy the heart flutters of the fun parts of new friendships. The fun part of any new relationship whether romantic or otherwise.

In knowing that I don't want to coexist/cohabitate with another adult, I'm allowing myself to enjoy what's meant to be temporary living for a more long term arrangement despite the disappointment this brings to Big. It disappoints me too knowing that he won't have a house to look back on as his childhood home, but instead he'll think of the community I worked for and that we lived in for half his childhood.

But to me, this has never felt more like home than any of the other places I've tried to make "home" for them. So far our sleeping arrangements work for us here and we're able to create space for each other individually. It's not the big house we left in downsizing to this, but it's intimate and complete in so many ways good and bad. 

I got sidetracked.

My Siren heart reminded me of this. She sings her little diddy and suddenly I have others - like myself - who are uninterested in settling for less than we want for ourselves. Others who love themselves in an unselfish and not even a self centered way, they are simply compassionate with what their bodies and minds have survived and are no longer served by compartmentalizing their "self" to make others more accepting of them. They said, "NO MORE," and became the best selves they could be.