The big kids have a therapist I gladly waited months for them to see. He won't let you NOT talk about something weighing heavy on your heart, and these kids NEEDED someone to coerce them to vomit all the thoughts and feelings building inside of them, spread them around on the floor and make THEM dissect and analyze the why's and who's and what's.
Lo has been adamantly protesting having to spend time with his father since day 1 of the divorce. He is uncomfortable in his presence and the thought of having to go is giving the kid ulcers and increasing anxiety. I don't like sitting in on their appointments with the therapist, as that time is between them and the therapist. This past week, however, I wanted the therapist to witness and help assist me in handling Lo's interactions with Lou. Meaning I actually had to be in there. Between interactions with Lou, we spoke about Logan's anxiety in regards to going to his father's house. We broke down the issues that cause the anxiety and anticipated outcomes. His father is unpredictable at best when it comes to confrontation of any kind. The not knowing will make you crazier than you actually are. We discussed what to do in any situation that felt like an emergency and this lead to code words and phrases, which is when I learned none of my kids like my chicken. And that's how the phrase, "Please make your chicken on Sunday" was born.
Last Friday, Lillie's anxiety was explosive from the moment she got off the bus. Her words kept falling out and it's like her verbal filter was broken. She couldn't stop talking and finally, right as I was about to step out the door to go back to work, she said that she no longer wanted to feel obligated to go to their father's house on his weekends. I stopped dead in my tracks. This child. The one who "willingly" would spend an additional week with her father if "given the chance" is either lying to me or is finally dropping her mask. In speaking with my mom late Friday night, Logan had told Mom that Lillie doesn't want to stay extra. They pressure Lillie to stay when she only wants to go home; restricting her technology so she feels she can't reach out to me.
The work day was coming to an end and my phone started blowing up with calls and texts from Lo. He threw up twice before his dad showed up and he really, REALLY did not want to leave with him. I told him that he had to talk to his father, that this wasn't something I could do FOR him. Before I had a chance to close the office properly I started getting texts about chicken. My blonde ass couldn't figure out what meal he was referring to. Did he want me to make some chicken alfredo? Country fried chicken? What the Hell. And then he called and I could hear it in his voice. He was terrified. "PLEASE MAKE YOUR CHICKEN, MOM, HE'S COMING." This was followed by frantic texts detailing that he had escaped the house after his father threatened to make his weekend a living Hell if he kept up his behavior. His behavior being keeping to himself and keeping his mouth shut. Before they'd even made it home, he had puffed his chest up and lunged at Lo at the grocery store; threatening to beat his ass for being dramatic. He stated that his dad had been glaring at him ever since they'd made it to his house, and so he ran outside. I didn't know what to do so I called the cops.
I didn't have them go to the house to check things out. I had them meet me at my mother's house because I honestly had zero clue what I wanted or how I needed to proceed. While talking to the officers, Logan Facetimed me stating that he was making a run for it as his dad was looking for him. He darted across the street in his socks into the woods of a neighborhood facing his father's home. The officers dispatched and met with him, talking to him and his father before I pulled up into the dizzying lights of the cop cars.
Not once did his father come over to speak with us. Logan was tucked into the front seat beside me; he was hysterical and obviously frightened. I still didn't know what his father's motives were, but I was sure it wasn't to have his ex-wife and oldest son surrounded by officers defending the psychological and emotional abuse he drowned this kid with. I was elated to hear that he was "releasing" Logan into my care and my eyes couldn't have rolled any farther in my head unless they were bound for the next county over when they said he was tearful and worried for Logan's safety.
Was he thinking about his safety when he threw things at him in the past?
Was he thinking about Logan's heart when he began courting the team mom of Lo's baseball team claiming Logan was too innocent to know what was happening?
Was he thinking of Logan's psychological safety as his wife shoved her childhood Bible at him and robbed him of fellowship?
Was he thinking of Logan's emotional safety when he cornered him in the grocery store and hammered empty threats, but threats all the same, down upon him?
No. His irrational anger and blatant narcissism has blinded him. It has always colored everything he's touched. No one should be afraid and sick to their stomachs when they know they will be seeing their parent. NO ONE should be too scared to enjoy life because of what will await them after.
Later that weekend his father broke the zero communication to ask if Logan and I were ok. I told him Logan was fine. He stated that he no longer wanted to "force" Logan to come on his weekends if that's his wish. When I broke that news to Logan, his smile lit up the room.
I hope now he knows this isn't normal. None of what he's doing to our kids is any SEMBLANCE of normal. He is a stranger to them just as much as he was to me the day he changed everything. And I hope now he knows I'm serious, black and white. There's no gray area in what I have to say to him when I do say it. No matter what he or his wife thinks, I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK, I never have. The primal part of me that had to claw her way back up to normalcy wanted the man she thought was her Husband, but did not want HIM this man he had become. The primal part of me is alive and well and will do ANYTHING to keep our kids safe from him.
Lo has been adamantly protesting having to spend time with his father since day 1 of the divorce. He is uncomfortable in his presence and the thought of having to go is giving the kid ulcers and increasing anxiety. I don't like sitting in on their appointments with the therapist, as that time is between them and the therapist. This past week, however, I wanted the therapist to witness and help assist me in handling Lo's interactions with Lou. Meaning I actually had to be in there. Between interactions with Lou, we spoke about Logan's anxiety in regards to going to his father's house. We broke down the issues that cause the anxiety and anticipated outcomes. His father is unpredictable at best when it comes to confrontation of any kind. The not knowing will make you crazier than you actually are. We discussed what to do in any situation that felt like an emergency and this lead to code words and phrases, which is when I learned none of my kids like my chicken. And that's how the phrase, "Please make your chicken on Sunday" was born.
Last Friday, Lillie's anxiety was explosive from the moment she got off the bus. Her words kept falling out and it's like her verbal filter was broken. She couldn't stop talking and finally, right as I was about to step out the door to go back to work, she said that she no longer wanted to feel obligated to go to their father's house on his weekends. I stopped dead in my tracks. This child. The one who "willingly" would spend an additional week with her father if "given the chance" is either lying to me or is finally dropping her mask. In speaking with my mom late Friday night, Logan had told Mom that Lillie doesn't want to stay extra. They pressure Lillie to stay when she only wants to go home; restricting her technology so she feels she can't reach out to me.
The work day was coming to an end and my phone started blowing up with calls and texts from Lo. He threw up twice before his dad showed up and he really, REALLY did not want to leave with him. I told him that he had to talk to his father, that this wasn't something I could do FOR him. Before I had a chance to close the office properly I started getting texts about chicken. My blonde ass couldn't figure out what meal he was referring to. Did he want me to make some chicken alfredo? Country fried chicken? What the Hell. And then he called and I could hear it in his voice. He was terrified. "PLEASE MAKE YOUR CHICKEN, MOM, HE'S COMING." This was followed by frantic texts detailing that he had escaped the house after his father threatened to make his weekend a living Hell if he kept up his behavior. His behavior being keeping to himself and keeping his mouth shut. Before they'd even made it home, he had puffed his chest up and lunged at Lo at the grocery store; threatening to beat his ass for being dramatic. He stated that his dad had been glaring at him ever since they'd made it to his house, and so he ran outside. I didn't know what to do so I called the cops.
I didn't have them go to the house to check things out. I had them meet me at my mother's house because I honestly had zero clue what I wanted or how I needed to proceed. While talking to the officers, Logan Facetimed me stating that he was making a run for it as his dad was looking for him. He darted across the street in his socks into the woods of a neighborhood facing his father's home. The officers dispatched and met with him, talking to him and his father before I pulled up into the dizzying lights of the cop cars.
Not once did his father come over to speak with us. Logan was tucked into the front seat beside me; he was hysterical and obviously frightened. I still didn't know what his father's motives were, but I was sure it wasn't to have his ex-wife and oldest son surrounded by officers defending the psychological and emotional abuse he drowned this kid with. I was elated to hear that he was "releasing" Logan into my care and my eyes couldn't have rolled any farther in my head unless they were bound for the next county over when they said he was tearful and worried for Logan's safety.
Was he thinking about his safety when he threw things at him in the past?
Was he thinking about Logan's heart when he began courting the team mom of Lo's baseball team claiming Logan was too innocent to know what was happening?
Was he thinking of Logan's psychological safety as his wife shoved her childhood Bible at him and robbed him of fellowship?
Was he thinking of Logan's emotional safety when he cornered him in the grocery store and hammered empty threats, but threats all the same, down upon him?
No. His irrational anger and blatant narcissism has blinded him. It has always colored everything he's touched. No one should be afraid and sick to their stomachs when they know they will be seeing their parent. NO ONE should be too scared to enjoy life because of what will await them after.
Later that weekend his father broke the zero communication to ask if Logan and I were ok. I told him Logan was fine. He stated that he no longer wanted to "force" Logan to come on his weekends if that's his wish. When I broke that news to Logan, his smile lit up the room.
I hope now he knows this isn't normal. None of what he's doing to our kids is any SEMBLANCE of normal. He is a stranger to them just as much as he was to me the day he changed everything. And I hope now he knows I'm serious, black and white. There's no gray area in what I have to say to him when I do say it. No matter what he or his wife thinks, I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK, I never have. The primal part of me that had to claw her way back up to normalcy wanted the man she thought was her Husband, but did not want HIM this man he had become. The primal part of me is alive and well and will do ANYTHING to keep our kids safe from him.
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