5 year layaway plan.

I can't remember what I wanted to be as a child for when I grew up. I can't remember from Middle School, but based on memories and pictures, I wanted to be a runner in the Olympics (although I only ran for fun), a photographer, a writer, an artist in general. In High School I know I wanted to work in International Business. I hustled from Spanish 1st Period, German 2nd Period, and then Gifted English and Literacy 3rd Period; by lunch I was spent and didn't know what language to think in, let alone speak. All I could envision was myself in stilettos standing in front of a boardroom on top of the freaking world. I would travel on someone else's dime and spend the rest of my life in cafes people watching.

When I left High School all those dreams evaporated into nothingness. I worked full time at Blockbuster Video and part time at Starbucks. When I moved to Florida, I busted hump to see the ocean all of two times. I was a glorified squatter in both homes I lived in there, and wasn't terribly sad when I left. I was glad to come home after the Air Force turned me down at the door and the relationship I moved for fizzled out.

There are memories I wish I could remember, but of course my brain is absolutely filled to the brim with the most useless of information now. I can remember smells, the way things felt in my hands,  but I can't remember certain time periods at all. I remember being in Montana and seeing the flight attendants with their red trench coats boarding the plane and thinking I needed a red trench coat as well. I remember the feeling of my mom's hardwood floors underfoot and how it made my brain feel; which sounds completely bonkers, but when you have sensory processing issues you have no idea how just the simplest of every day things can trigger every nerve in your body. I want to remember every conversation; I wish I could.

I never thought I'd be able to successfully have children, so they were never initially a part of my 5 year plan until I became serious with their father. I knew then that I wanted to have them before I turned 30 so I could actually enjoy their youth while I was still technically young. I don't regret that decision for anything given how miserable I was for my pregnancy with Lou at 32 years old. I gave up planning anything once kids came into the picture and my mind became overwhelmed with not just plans for myself, but now two and then three others I'd become responsible for. 12 years into this whole mothering thing, I think I can safely plan for myself without getting completely thrown off by how tangled my life is with theirs.

Remember that time I did 30x30?? GET READY FOR 40X40!!

In zero order because adult ADHD is real:

1. Run 8 5k by my 40th birthday.
2. Stay settled solo, just me and the kids.
3. Pay off my truck.
4. Lose 40 pounds.
5. Then Lose 40 more.
6. Yoga binge for 40 days straight, and then keep that shit up.
7. Run for 40 days after work, and then KEEP THAT SHIT UP.
8. Pay off all existing debt and save $40k to put down on my dream house.
9. Learn 40 new recipes.
10. Write 40 new posts (not including this one.)

Yes, I am aware that's not a list of 40 different things. HOWEVER, it's totally more than 40 tasks when you break it down. And it gives me more than enough to keep my fingertips hammering away on the laptop keys.


I'm excited that I've got something to motivate me to make myself better FOR myself first/kids second, but also hesitant because I do NOT like setting goals on a public platform as I have a tendency to set myself up to fail when I do things this way. I'm really excited though to fall back in love with myself, I mean, I'm already crushing pretty hard for these eyes and that ass... just sayin. The Hell what y'all think, in the words of the great Lizzo, "I'm a marry myself someday."