I have not been single and on my own as an "independent woman" in 16 years. Sixteen.
Even before then I was in a SEVEN year off and on relationship with my High School Sweetheart.
Last night, after dating an outstanding guy for 2 years, I called it. I pulled the plug. Not because he'd done anything wrong or because he was a terrible human, no, I did it because it felt as if it had been over for a few months. He should never have got the "forced" version of me and I didn't want to continue a relationship that required me to be untrue to myself AND everyone else.
The relationship had run it's course and at some point in the past 6 months things just started feeling wrong. Everything about the time I was spending on myself and focusing on my own "little nest" in the home felt RIGHT, but nothing about forcing myself to make time for another human outside of the 3 I'd created felt right in my soul.
My heart breaks not for the relationship, but for him, because I DID and DO love him dearly. He rescued me from myself when I was killing myself slowly as the divorce process began. He showed me how it felt to be truly adored, cherished and loved. And then I started adoring, cherishing and loving myself again. Something that shouldn't have ever been put on the back burner every time I got into a relationship.
Now that my kids are reaching a pivotal point in their psyche and need my presence more than ever before shoving ME to the back burner because EW OMG MOM NO they're almost teenagers now, now I need to help them untangle the mess I helped make from having sacrificed my own happiness for their father and all the other human beings who said they needed me. (I know I know, TERRIBLE run on sentence). I was an awful role model in that aspect and they are going to need me to be much stronger and much more focused than I was then. They need me to be someone they can look up to and emulate (Lord help me, you know I can't control the profanity.) I hope that I'm technically that now, but they will one day be my legacy. They are who I am leaving the world to. They're also the ones who decide whether I go in the home with the good looking nurses or if I get shoved in one of their basements with all my cats. But I also want them to succeed and know that they are fully capable of being alone, that they don't necessarily need a partner, that THEY are stuck with themselves for the rest of THEIR lives and they gotta love themselves first.
What is it I used to preach at 35,000 feet? Oh yes...
Even before then I was in a SEVEN year off and on relationship with my High School Sweetheart.
Last night, after dating an outstanding guy for 2 years, I called it. I pulled the plug. Not because he'd done anything wrong or because he was a terrible human, no, I did it because it felt as if it had been over for a few months. He should never have got the "forced" version of me and I didn't want to continue a relationship that required me to be untrue to myself AND everyone else.
The relationship had run it's course and at some point in the past 6 months things just started feeling wrong. Everything about the time I was spending on myself and focusing on my own "little nest" in the home felt RIGHT, but nothing about forcing myself to make time for another human outside of the 3 I'd created felt right in my soul.
My heart breaks not for the relationship, but for him, because I DID and DO love him dearly. He rescued me from myself when I was killing myself slowly as the divorce process began. He showed me how it felt to be truly adored, cherished and loved. And then I started adoring, cherishing and loving myself again. Something that shouldn't have ever been put on the back burner every time I got into a relationship.
Now that my kids are reaching a pivotal point in their psyche and need my presence more than ever before shoving ME to the back burner because EW OMG MOM NO they're almost teenagers now, now I need to help them untangle the mess I helped make from having sacrificed my own happiness for their father and all the other human beings who said they needed me. (I know I know, TERRIBLE run on sentence). I was an awful role model in that aspect and they are going to need me to be much stronger and much more focused than I was then. They need me to be someone they can look up to and emulate (Lord help me, you know I can't control the profanity.) I hope that I'm technically that now, but they will one day be my legacy. They are who I am leaving the world to. They're also the ones who decide whether I go in the home with the good looking nurses or if I get shoved in one of their basements with all my cats. But I also want them to succeed and know that they are fully capable of being alone, that they don't necessarily need a partner, that THEY are stuck with themselves for the rest of THEIR lives and they gotta love themselves first.
What is it I used to preach at 35,000 feet? Oh yes...
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