Awakening.

I am happy. I am sad. I am anxious. I am full of hope, light, love. I am depressed. I am healthy. I am blessed. I am lucky. I am hopeful. I am human.

It's funny how something as simple as clipping coupons can turn into an eye opening experience. I sat down tonight to get my coupons in order (nothing makes me more furious than seeing something at the store and KNOWING I have a coupon sitting at home in my coupon bin.) To break the silence of my mind I turned on the t.v., oddly enough TLC's "Extreme Couponing" was on. I watched my fill of that and started scanning channels. "The Buddha" narrated by Richard Gere was on PBS. I'd remembered hearing about this special months and MONTHS ago (maybe years?) and being intrigued, mentally jotting down that I needed to sit down and watch this. I probably went so far as mentally jotting the need to add it to my Netflix list. But I didn't.... mentally jotting anything down for me is a lost cause. I can't even tell you what underwear I'm wearing right now if THAT tells you anything. So tonight I tune the DVR to record the next showing, but end up watching the majority of it anyways. Even though I told the Husband he had to watch it with me, I watched it by myself.

I have been thirsty for a balance in my spiritual practice for weeks (months?) now. I drank till I was full tonight. I have felt this need come to a breaking point for so long and this was exactly what I needed. I needed to feel my heart fill up with truth and love, and I got just that.

Today my heart has been so heavy with everything that's happening under our roof. Stress from searching for a job. Stress from not being able to cure what ails my Husband. Stress from being the only able bodied adult, PHYSICALLY, in this house. Stress from keeping my cat out at night until he is flea free... AGAIN. Stress from financial issues. Tonight I realized, prior to walking into the grocery store, that while I'm on Jenny Craig (thanks to Harpo) we have MORE than enough in our food budget to contribute heavily towards the two Thanksgiving dinners we will be blessed to attend. It is only fair that we force offer what we can. We have no other way of really thanking them aside from, "Here, have a turkey!" Although, I do draw a line at having to cook it. I'm sorry, I just don't deal well with meat that looks even remotely close to what it appeared to be while alive. A whole turkey? FORGETABOUTIT.

So maybe my heart has been pushing me in this direction for longer than just a few hours ago when I realized "The Buddha" was on. Maybe my heart's been in on this all along. Nudging me forward and whispering in my ear that the key to my happiness, to the health of my human spirit, is simply by reaching outward while stoking the fire in my heart. I don't often speak about religion or spirituality, and please... PLEASE... don't take this as me pushing my beliefs on you. This is my little corner of the Universe where I'm allowed to spill the contents of my heart and head. I embrace the fact that everyone worships differently, and I am very vocal about the fact that God is in my heart and I do still very much believe that Jesus died for my sins... but the teachings and practices of Buddhism? They strike chords in me and make me feel alive and whole again.

Tomorrow night I will be back on my couch, this time with the Husband. Maybe we can both open our eyes and hearts a little more together once again.

Aum (ōm) n. Hinduism & Buddhism. The supreme and most sacred syllable, consisting in Sanskrit of the three sounds (a), (u), and (m), representing various fundamental triads and believed to be the spoken essence of the universe. ((I've always had it explained to me as the sound that was made when Earth was created OR, Cliff's Notes Version, the sound of Harmony.)) And yes... I had to take a boob shot with the phone leaving me with a backwards Om... and... boobs. SORRY ABOUT THAT.