I’ve been hurt. I’ve experienced trauma. I’ve been misled and lied too. I’ve surrendered my body and sacrificed myself for the betterment of others.
Because of this, I pulled the cloth of my life taut and taken hot a hot knife in my hand and severed the threads that keep me clinging to the me I once was.
If I hadn’t done this, I would still openly mourn her. Instead now, I nod knowingly accepting who she was and her purpose in my life. She was the stepping stones it took to get to here. And while I still sometimes glance at her in my rear view, we don’t put the car in reverse anymore to console the brokenness in her. I am a product of her pain and it has taken too long to brush the dirt off my knees to go backwards.
I’ve been hurt and sometimes I still hurt, but we don’t dwell in the pain. I’ve experienced trauma, but now I build on the rubble and reinforce the structure of the walls around my heart. I’ve been misled and lied too, so now I don’t believe anything I’m told unless I see the actions with my own eyes. I won’t sacrifice this body and mind for anyone ever again. Nor will I willingly allow others to sacrifice their time and hearts for mine.
Please don’t fall in love with me. I’m not ready for love. I’m too busy treating myself to the love I’ve always deserved and now demand of myself. I want the indulgence of desire, without the longing need to share it with someone else and I’m no longer entertaining those who show even an iota of interest in anything other than momentary fulfillment. You don’t deprive yourself of a quick scratch when an itch arises, do you? So don’t flatter me with your words; don’t make plans or toy with the notion of a future I don’t want.
I’m not looking for a forever with anyone other than myself, and I’m still getting to know her.
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