I'm in love with a man who would never vote for the same government officials as I would. I'm in love with a man who has worked hard to get the title he wants in his work place, but he's not paid to reflect that title while I've never wanted the title I have, and yet here I am... probably the highest paid assistant property manager in my company or maybe at least in our local market.
I'm in love with a man who smells delicious, tells me I'm beautiful in such a way I really and truly believe it, and yet... the "strong, independent woman" my mother raised me to be is being driven into a corner surrounded by "codependent instability" induced panic.
For the past week I've woken up determined to do what's best for me and my babies, to set him free to make his own decisions regarding work and moving without any more of my input. All of this is going somewhere, I promise.
I hate being alone. I love my children, but sometimes I need adult conversation. Face to face, hand in hand, the warmth of someone within reach. And I know that right now, that exact situation is an impossible "want." I know that to better my situation and to give me and the kids the advantages we need financially involve moving back onto the property I work for. Giving up my "mama" freedom by sharing a room with my daughter makes my stomach hurt and overwhelms me with the realization that my already threadbare "me time" will only happen for real when they are with their father.
It's already overwhelming knowing that the lawyer is paid off and now I've got a house to purge, downsize, pack and move. By myself. And while I ain't to proud to beg, I don't even know where to begin as far as what to box up first, hosting an estate sale or just donating the whole lot of "extras" we've accumulated, what should and shouldn't be cleaned since the landlord will be making repairs and detailing prior to placing the house on the market... I don't know which way is up right now and I honestly wish I could just get the keys to our next place and figure this all out after the fact. With three kids in the home, it's already so chaotic scheduling wise that I'm going to have to take a week off just to pack and then another week JUST to move. Where's a magic wand when you need it?
I don't want to be two grown ass adults with him living with his parents and me sharing a room with my daughter and then "playing house" during our down time. I don't want to be under a microscope by being back on the property either.
I feel so depleted by all these questions hanging over my head. I just want to get to the next part in this journey and be settled already.
I'm in love with a man who smells delicious, tells me I'm beautiful in such a way I really and truly believe it, and yet... the "strong, independent woman" my mother raised me to be is being driven into a corner surrounded by "codependent instability" induced panic.
For the past week I've woken up determined to do what's best for me and my babies, to set him free to make his own decisions regarding work and moving without any more of my input. All of this is going somewhere, I promise.
I hate being alone. I love my children, but sometimes I need adult conversation. Face to face, hand in hand, the warmth of someone within reach. And I know that right now, that exact situation is an impossible "want." I know that to better my situation and to give me and the kids the advantages we need financially involve moving back onto the property I work for. Giving up my "mama" freedom by sharing a room with my daughter makes my stomach hurt and overwhelms me with the realization that my already threadbare "me time" will only happen for real when they are with their father.
It's already overwhelming knowing that the lawyer is paid off and now I've got a house to purge, downsize, pack and move. By myself. And while I ain't to proud to beg, I don't even know where to begin as far as what to box up first, hosting an estate sale or just donating the whole lot of "extras" we've accumulated, what should and shouldn't be cleaned since the landlord will be making repairs and detailing prior to placing the house on the market... I don't know which way is up right now and I honestly wish I could just get the keys to our next place and figure this all out after the fact. With three kids in the home, it's already so chaotic scheduling wise that I'm going to have to take a week off just to pack and then another week JUST to move. Where's a magic wand when you need it?
I don't want to be two grown ass adults with him living with his parents and me sharing a room with my daughter and then "playing house" during our down time. I don't want to be under a microscope by being back on the property either.
I feel so depleted by all these questions hanging over my head. I just want to get to the next part in this journey and be settled already.
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