I've been told that my concerns for others are often a waste of time. That these people wouldn't be concerned for me, so why should I worry for them?
I stayed up on the phone with 911 dispatch for hours when my ex brother in law threatened to kill himself and was out in the world waiting on a bottle's worth of tramadol to take over. He sent cryptic messages between me, the ex husband, and their parents all night while my insides ate me alive. His son, not much older than mine, lay sleeping mere feet from my own boys... at that time I couldn't imagine what their lives would be like without their fathers. As the sun crept over the horizon, my stomach was still in knots that morning after an unsuccessful search for my then brother in law. I watched the minutes pass with every glance at the screen of my phone. When I knew he should be walking into work to start prep for the days lunch crowd, I stepped outside, lit a cigarette, took a giant swig of my coffee and called the restaurant and asked for the morning manager. When I asked her if he showed up for work that day, she told me he looked like death but that he was present. I said, "good," and hung up on her... mad at myself for caring. I was mad at myself for caring, for knowing there's always that teeny tiny seed of truth in every argument or statement made in hate.
Today he's in prison. He's still a human, a father, a brother and a son. But he's also a felon convicted of terrible crimes against others. My heart hurts for his child and for the memories of good times, but also for the unimaginably scary memories that only time will soften and hopefully erase. I can't fit in my nephews shoes, and especially not the shoes of his father. But they're human and they bleed and hurt no less than I do.
I think about you. I think about what has brought you to this point. I think about how hurt your heart must have been for you to do what you did, at least twice from what I could see. I think about your children and what their lives have been like up until this point. I worry about them from a mother's point of view. I worry about you as a fellow woman, from ex wife to current wife. Has your need to help him, heal him, to see him happy... has it isolated you from family and friends yet? Have you turned off certain personal responses so you can sleep at night without questioning your own sanity? Has he broken your belongings or your heart yet, made your own beliefs and experiences seem petty and unimportant in comparison to what he wants? I worry he'll shove your babies, put them down "sarcastically" as if they are too ignorant to understand that regardless of sarcasm his words still cut deep. My heart BREAKS for your children because I prayed that his vicious cycle would stop with our children. I wanted so badly for it to stop at OUR children. I want you to research for yourself both of his ex wives, both me and her... I want you to know that he always said she was an amazing mother and he knew how to pick them. I want you to know that in the same breath he'd say he'd never hit a woman but if a woman wants to buck up to a man, she'll get what she deserves... that she would have been the first woman he'd hit. I want you to know I've heard both sides and now that he's yours, I hope you're already questioning... that you are already doing your own research on me and the lie we lived. And that wasn't a typo, it was all a lie according to him in his own words to me.
I want you to run, to not be another statistic, to get out before he breaks your babies or you. I want to also be angry with you, but now more than ever I don't want any woman to feel like she earned this or that she "begged" for it. I don't want to be bitter or a terrible person. I want to be the woman that's seen straitening the crowns of other women. I want you to know that I'd testify my truth to help you get out. I may not like you, I may never wish to be friends, but I also don't know you nor have I ever wanted to fit in your shoes.
I stayed up on the phone with 911 dispatch for hours when my ex brother in law threatened to kill himself and was out in the world waiting on a bottle's worth of tramadol to take over. He sent cryptic messages between me, the ex husband, and their parents all night while my insides ate me alive. His son, not much older than mine, lay sleeping mere feet from my own boys... at that time I couldn't imagine what their lives would be like without their fathers. As the sun crept over the horizon, my stomach was still in knots that morning after an unsuccessful search for my then brother in law. I watched the minutes pass with every glance at the screen of my phone. When I knew he should be walking into work to start prep for the days lunch crowd, I stepped outside, lit a cigarette, took a giant swig of my coffee and called the restaurant and asked for the morning manager. When I asked her if he showed up for work that day, she told me he looked like death but that he was present. I said, "good," and hung up on her... mad at myself for caring. I was mad at myself for caring, for knowing there's always that teeny tiny seed of truth in every argument or statement made in hate.
Today he's in prison. He's still a human, a father, a brother and a son. But he's also a felon convicted of terrible crimes against others. My heart hurts for his child and for the memories of good times, but also for the unimaginably scary memories that only time will soften and hopefully erase. I can't fit in my nephews shoes, and especially not the shoes of his father. But they're human and they bleed and hurt no less than I do.
I think about you. I think about what has brought you to this point. I think about how hurt your heart must have been for you to do what you did, at least twice from what I could see. I think about your children and what their lives have been like up until this point. I worry about them from a mother's point of view. I worry about you as a fellow woman, from ex wife to current wife. Has your need to help him, heal him, to see him happy... has it isolated you from family and friends yet? Have you turned off certain personal responses so you can sleep at night without questioning your own sanity? Has he broken your belongings or your heart yet, made your own beliefs and experiences seem petty and unimportant in comparison to what he wants? I worry he'll shove your babies, put them down "sarcastically" as if they are too ignorant to understand that regardless of sarcasm his words still cut deep. My heart BREAKS for your children because I prayed that his vicious cycle would stop with our children. I wanted so badly for it to stop at OUR children. I want you to research for yourself both of his ex wives, both me and her... I want you to know that he always said she was an amazing mother and he knew how to pick them. I want you to know that in the same breath he'd say he'd never hit a woman but if a woman wants to buck up to a man, she'll get what she deserves... that she would have been the first woman he'd hit. I want you to know I've heard both sides and now that he's yours, I hope you're already questioning... that you are already doing your own research on me and the lie we lived. And that wasn't a typo, it was all a lie according to him in his own words to me.
I want you to run, to not be another statistic, to get out before he breaks your babies or you. I want to also be angry with you, but now more than ever I don't want any woman to feel like she earned this or that she "begged" for it. I don't want to be bitter or a terrible person. I want to be the woman that's seen straitening the crowns of other women. I want you to know that I'd testify my truth to help you get out. I may not like you, I may never wish to be friends, but I also don't know you nor have I ever wanted to fit in your shoes.
No comments:
Post a Comment