Once the decision to file for divorce was complete and all the paperwork was turned in, an amazing metamorphosis began. I laid everything out at His feet and reminded myself that He tells us over and over again to not be afraid. And so I stopped being afraid. I even made it a mantra whenever he would throw a "man-trum" to turn and tell him that I wasn't afraid of him.
I was, and still currently am, not afraid of him.
Last night when looking for a particular text message thread from my aunt, I realized I still had text threads from before the divorce. The biggest reminder of why the best choice I could have made was leaving him was a video text of my youngest sobbing hysterically while his daddy did nothing in the recliner next to him. Following up with a text that I needed to come home and "deal with my child." I'd only been at work for an hour when I had to share that message with my boss when she asked why I needed to leave for the day. I kept scrolling through messages and seeing my words, begging him to get help for him, for us... begging him to stay and not hurt himself. Always begging and exclaiming my love for him. I worshiped him, and now I realize that when I replaced the image of him with God I am finally fulfilled. I am not afraid of him or Him, but I am in awe of my God.
When I stopped requiring my happiness to be a direct reflection of my ability to make my ex-happy or even comfortable, my load lightened exponentially. I can only be held responsible for my own actions, my own experiences... So now? Now I'm "happy" in a sense. I'm not perfect. I'm a work in progress. Everything, EVERYTHING, is temporary. No amount of setbacks, moments of grief, panic attacks, disappointments can take away the all fulfilling love of knowing I'm exactly who He made me to be. That this life is exactly how He'd planned for me. That every struggle is a test of my faith. My babies are the most important legacy and testament I'll leave behind. Their lives ARE a direct reflection of how they were nurtured and cultivated into the people they will become.
I can't truly say I've "bounced back" to who I was when I both am and are not that person. I am a better person that I was a few days, weeks, months, decades ago. I've learned and I'm wiser now. Do I know everything? FUCK. NO. I'll never stop learning. But mentally, yes... I have bounced back. I don't need anyone's approval to be 100% myself and if they don't like who I am, then that's a reflection of their own issues.
I was, and still currently am, not afraid of him.
Last night when looking for a particular text message thread from my aunt, I realized I still had text threads from before the divorce. The biggest reminder of why the best choice I could have made was leaving him was a video text of my youngest sobbing hysterically while his daddy did nothing in the recliner next to him. Following up with a text that I needed to come home and "deal with my child." I'd only been at work for an hour when I had to share that message with my boss when she asked why I needed to leave for the day. I kept scrolling through messages and seeing my words, begging him to get help for him, for us... begging him to stay and not hurt himself. Always begging and exclaiming my love for him. I worshiped him, and now I realize that when I replaced the image of him with God I am finally fulfilled. I am not afraid of him or Him, but I am in awe of my God.
When I stopped requiring my happiness to be a direct reflection of my ability to make my ex-happy or even comfortable, my load lightened exponentially. I can only be held responsible for my own actions, my own experiences... So now? Now I'm "happy" in a sense. I'm not perfect. I'm a work in progress. Everything, EVERYTHING, is temporary. No amount of setbacks, moments of grief, panic attacks, disappointments can take away the all fulfilling love of knowing I'm exactly who He made me to be. That this life is exactly how He'd planned for me. That every struggle is a test of my faith. My babies are the most important legacy and testament I'll leave behind. Their lives ARE a direct reflection of how they were nurtured and cultivated into the people they will become.
I can't truly say I've "bounced back" to who I was when I both am and are not that person. I am a better person that I was a few days, weeks, months, decades ago. I've learned and I'm wiser now. Do I know everything? FUCK. NO. I'll never stop learning. But mentally, yes... I have bounced back. I don't need anyone's approval to be 100% myself and if they don't like who I am, then that's a reflection of their own issues.
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