Grateful.

I am grateful to be exhausted as I post this up before bed. 11 p.m. is the new 2 a.m. for me. I can barely keep my eyes open as I write this.

I am grateful that my employer took a leap of faith on me and are willing to work with me as a "first timer" in this profession... and no... I didn't take to stripping. I didn't get THAT desperate. I DID stick to my guns to find a job that would not only bring income into the family but would also help us to move out into the great big world as *gasp* ADULTS. Adults with CHILDREN and RESPONSIBILITIES. For the first time in 5 years I finally feel as if we're moving forward and out of the endless cycles we've created for ourselves. Wasn't it Einstein who said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results? Our new home will be ready to move in shortly after the beginning of July. I chose a home off the board of rentals that nobody wanted to touch because it needed so much work. And yes, I did that on purpose. New carpet, new paint, new appliances, new water heater, new beginnings for everyone involved.

I am grateful that my Husband is flourishing and adapting well to his new role as "Haus Frau" as he so lovingly refers to himself. I'm not the only one going through this transition and trying to find my footing. We'll get there. And I know it will take patience and persistence.

I am grateful to my family for being so supportive of us and for recognizing after their initial concerns, that my taking a job truly was for the best. Even though my Grandfather thinks I'm trying to prove to the Husband that he needs to be careful what he wishes for. Insert "lol" here. Yes, I might have had that thought in the back of my mind as I accepted the job, but I'm ok with that and with my Husband knowing that. I also know that he busted his butt working when he could and that he needs time to get his head straight and to enjoy the constant running monologue that is our little Honey Badger and having to talk Lo off the ceiling when he gets anxious. He's getting pretty good at that last one since Lo is ME in a little boy body.

I am grateful to that man, who took my hand on our long drive home 8 years ago this weekend and has stood strong beside me ever since. He is honest and big hearted, coming out of his comfort zone while I'm hyperventilating to rub my back and force conversation out of me like a BOSS. He's learning, you guys, and I couldn't be more proud.

I am grateful for my Mom who worries about me so much she can't see that I'm doing enough worrying for the both of us already. I don't need help in the "worry" department. I worry like I'm getting paid to do so. Oh if only... I'm grateful that she takes me shoe shopping to find the world's most uncomfortable shoes so I don't get written up on my first week at work. I'm grateful that she takes the kids for a few hours when she can and treats them to the forbidden fruit of McDonalds after church. I pray (no pun intended) that it's only because Chick-fil-A is closed on Sundays. McDonalds is the devil. End rant.

I am grateful for YOU. For my blog followers who sit idly by while I lose my mind, take a job, and then take a job while losing my mind. June is going to be full of awesomeness. Each post is going to be a nugget of joy, THAT I can promise you without crossing my fingers behind my back.

The times, they are a changing, and for once... I am not just anxious, but GRATEFUL for the opportunity and ability TO change.

Day 1.

Today was my first day at work. AT WORK. Y'all! Mama got a job! Hopefully this explains my hiatus from NaBloPoMo. I feel like I'm quitting all my writing goals, but I'm super happy right now. I HAVE MY OWN DESK AND AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF OFFICE SUPPLIES. It is an "office supply junky's" dream. I'm loving what I do, and it's only. day. one. My 30x30 list just keeps looking better and better.

1. Meet with my people. Not like Jesus, but more like my fellow bloggers... maybe even smoosh cheeks European style with the ones I put up on a pedestal. Met the Bloggess 5/16
2. Run 30k by New Years. (Currently at 6.6: Color Run 5k, All Aboard for a Cure 1 Mile/1.6k)
3. Get back into a career style job.
4. Move out of the basement. June 22nd 2012.
5. Take the kids to the beach, any coast will do.
6. Really celebrate my marriage and relationship with my best friend, i.e. family might need to avert their eyes.
7. Pilgrim back to the Drepung Loseling Monestary in it's new (to me) location.
8. Yoga. And YES, M.... I'm going to need your help on this one because this one is inspired by YOU.
9. Read 30 novels. (1, Jenny Lawson's "Let's Pretend This Never Happened." 2, Rebecca Woolf's "Rockabye.")
10. Lose 30 MORE pounds. (Update, I'm at 65 pounds lost as of 7/31/12... 15 more to meet my goal.)
11. Quit smoking.
12. Spend more time in my craft room and less time in the kitchen. 

Things are getting better every day. There's a huge opportunity with the work I'm doing right now, that we can move out sooner than later. Like, if I wanted to move out tomorrow, I totally could. But there's this little thing called "change" that I require a slow adaptation to in order not to completely LOSE MY MIND AND HOLY PANIC ATTACK, BATMAN!!! So slowly goes it as of now. We'll see how I feel about it next week.

Score one for me.

I sold a lot of cupcakes this weekend. A LOT of cupcakes. The upside to this is $$$, the downside is I'm working in a kids consignment sale and hello deals... I'm a SUCKER for board games, specifically ones I grew up with, and let's just say this sale did not disappoint.

 Not pictured, the copy of "Corduroy" and a random "Veggie Tales" book. And yes, I even scored the Ralph Lauren purse with the books and games for around $10. Yay for half price sales!

Reliving a classic.

When I put the Lite Brite in the car, my Dad laughed and said he hated that damn thing when my sister and I were kids because the stupid pegs hurt like a mother when you step on them. Lucky for my kids, I make them pick that shit up and it goes in the same storage closet as the Play-Doh because I am NOT picking that shit up for days. And then? When I went to get it out of the storage closet to take the swag picture above? I dropped the stupid thing and the pegs went E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E. I woke up the zombie bear Husband. Oops.

I think I'm most excited about the Jenga score. More for the crafting possibilities than anything else. I wonder what I can do with Jenga pieces and Mod Podge...

1 of 30

 "Anxiety is a lying bedfellow. And Tiffany is AWESOME!"

We already spoke/saw that I got to meet Jenny and Copernicus on Wednesday. Last night I finally finished the book. Don't judge! I had great intentions to have it completely finished by the time she signed it, but alas, UPS is ridiculous and I had 5,982 other things on my to do list. This book? Only secured my love for The Bloggess a thousand times over. I get her, you guys. Monday I headed into therapy, book in hand and read her post on being diagnosed with anxiety disorder in the waiting room. It hit home, too close to home seeing as I woke up hyperventilating that morning. I know what it's like to spend days feeling as if the walls were closing in and everyone's breathing your air and OH MY GOD GET ME OUT OF MY SKIN, MY SKIN IS TRYING TO KILL ME. Ok, well, logically I'm aware that my skin is not, in fact, trying to kill me, but that's how my brain works on an every day basis... and I hate that. I hate feeling this way. I hate when my meds don't do their job. I hate when I feel trapped and all I want to do is run and puke and run some more or on worse days, curl up tight in my cold dark bedroom and disappear into myself. I've been there. I've been there and it hurts to admit it as much as it hurts to keep it in.

I wish I had my "brain on anxiety drugs" note that I wrote her on the drive up to the book signing. Instead, you're going to get a (possibly) revised version, because it's all true regardless of whether or not it's the exact words I wrote then.

Jenny,

Thank you. Thank you for being so honest about your anxiety, depression, panic. Thank you from someone who also lives with these three misfits as well. Thank you for putting your words out there and not being ashamed to do so. It's taken me years to release the feelings of shame and guilt for being who I am and for having to live this way. Thank you for not being so "above" your followers that you can't comment on their blogs, even when you're in the grips of panic and anxiety as well, ESPECIALLY when you're going through the same thing. You are such an inspiration to me and to so many others who lay it all out there on the great big internet universe attempting to be honest with themselves and others. Thank you, even though "thanks" seems so small compared to how your words and actions give me hope.

-Tiffany

Commercial Bake Break

And to think I have two more batches to make AND I have to package them all... before 6 tomorrow night. It's going to be a long... long.... night.

Let's pretend the panic part didn't happen.

My evening summed up in three pictures:

 Due to the fact that I shut down during a panic attack, this was my best defense for those who felt it necessary to get in mah space. Also, on a normal day I don't have to take any of my emergency anxiety meds. On a "normal" bad day I might take one. Today? Three. It's been a long day, y'all. Was pretty sure at one point once we got off the interstate into Atlanta that I was going to have to open my car door and hork all over Peachtree Street. To say I wasn't handling things well was an UNDERSTATEMENT. What pulled me through was knowing that the one person who understands what that kind of moment is like was literally a few miles away.

 Mother fuckin Copernicus. I wanted to hold him. Mah preshussssss...

I would take the anxiety any day if it meant I could have hung with her for a little bit longer. Unfortunately, her new celeb status had me clamming up. At least we were able to connect for a second. Lucky for her I didn't have anything in me to hork, I was THAT nervous.

My body is completely exhausted from all the seizing up and freaking out. It's time for bed, y'all. Oh, and this totally knocks another "to do" off my 30x30 list. HUZZAH!

Expensive Background Noise.

When Logan was born, I spent a lot of time in the middle of the night watching VH1 and MTV (it was the only time they actually showed (GASP!) music videos. The child refused to sleep, and so, I convinced myself that if he was going to be persistent about this whole staying up all night thing, the least I could do was introduce him to the musical generation he was unfortunately born into. Reason number 8,289 I was born 20 years too late. Logan's theme song should have been Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song."

His colic screams reminded me much of the beginning Viking "yell." AaaaaAAAAaaaaAAAH!"

I refused to become one of those parents who sat their kid in front of the television during their waking hours, I wasn't one of them. We were just very lonely in that quiet house when he wasn't screaming. So it was just me, Lo and Insomniac Theater. And that's when I discovered the glory of Logan's latin lover... Dora. Oh, and his BFF'S FOR LIFE Moose and Zee. I kept Nick Jr. on as background noise throughout the day as the boy didn't pay much attention to it unless it was one of the little musical numbers Moose was singing and then all bets were off. Once he was in his walker, there was a lot of this going on.

 Moose? Is that you? TAXI TAXI RIDIN' IN THE BACKSEAT! OMGMYBFFZEE!

He still to this day doesn't watch much t.v. and yes... I do still keep it on as background noise because sometimes I just need 5 minutes, 10 minutes tops to not entertain this child. I am not a monkey. I AM NOT. Until Lillie came around though, it was my sole job as entertainer for this child... Unless Moose was on.

We had to make a compilation DVD of Moose and Zee clips, there was one point in his first year where it was the ONLY thing that would get him to fall asleep or soothe him when he was angry. Unfortunately, Noggin became Nick Jr. and more recently Nick Jr. dropped Moose and Zee like a bad habit. I may or may not still be grieving.

Mama's Summer School is in SESSION.

This time last year, I panicked. Logan was out of school and OMG it was my job to entertain this child. THIS CHILD who can't be entertained long enough to be properly entertained. And so I entertained the idea of Homeschooling the kids. And then I did. Mama does Summer Homeschool. Mama does Summer Homeschool to keep the peace and keep an eye on how the kids are doing academically.

School is in session, y'all. Thanks to the lovely blog 1+1+1=1, and their Animal ABC theme packs, the kids and I should be busy for a while. They've been working with their own "tots" on the Animal ABC's and they release each Alpha pack for free as they use them in their own home. If you need to jump ahead, you can purchase the entire pack for $10 or work slowly through like us slow pokes over here. Today we broke out the old folders with the sleeves we can wipe clean and I slid the new pack inside for playing and learning.

 Using Play-dough to form the letters.

 

 Gluing down our 'gators.

 Practicing letter formation and letter tracing.

Tomorrow morning I'll make sugar cookie dough, halve it and let them cut out some alligator and "A" shapes. Right after, HOPEFULLY, Daddy takes over Mama's Schoolwork while Mama cleans HER Mama's house. Luckily for him, it's simple letter tracing and coloring their bigger gators. It's gonna be a busy summer. BUSY.

Butterfly Mobile.

For literal months now I've been meaning to make a butterfly mobile for my Mom's office and while cleaning and organizing the craft room found where I'd spent hours tracing butterflies from the fabulous LollyChop's butterfly template onto pretty papers I thought my Mama would like. I traced them MONTHS ago... I'm proud to say that I finally finished. YESTERDAY.

My poor Mama has been stricken with odd cyclic fevers for nearly a year now. Normally only once every few weeks, but more recently it's been days in a row with fewer "fever free" days in between. We all want her to find out what's causing them as that last thing I wanted to see this morning was that on Mother's Day, her fever is the highest it's been these past few days. It's maddening enough for her children, I can't imagine what she's going through.

So Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I hope you feel better and I'm so glad you liked the finished product as much as I did.

In like a Taurus, out like a Gemini.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, so to all of my Mommy friends, milk it for all it's worth. MILK IT. I kid, kind of. I want to sleep in. That's all I really want. I want to wake up on my own without little wants and needs being shot at me rapid fire. Yes, I want to enjoy my children and tend to them... but I just want to enjoy them as they are. As these two wonderful and beautiful hot messes they are.

My heart halved.

It's their fault I'm attempting to better myself this year. Which is why I'm finally getting around to writing my 30x30 post. Today y'all... I'm really aggravated by the quality of the 30x30 button, BUT WHATEVER PEOPLE. Picnik up and quit on me, so there's no going back now. Onward! I'm still in the "rough draft" stage of my list, so it if seems a little frayed in areas, it probably is. But I was confronted with my personality and, of all things, my horoscope sign (signs?) during my interview a few days ago. Hence, in like a Taurus and out like a Gemini. I've been so stuck, so bullheaded in my ways and practices since this horribly dark winter. I was still making my lists and wishing and hoping, but I've drawn inward and my inner voice has grown more ugly and hateful and, y'all... that's not who I am. It's not! Honest! I know that I am beautiful. I know that I am strong. I know that we are nearly halfway through May and wtf, where has my year gone? I've been listening to the voice telling me how worthless and revolting I am, and again... I know I'm not. I look at them (see exhibit A up there) and know the truth. tl;dr

Are you still here? Due to circumstances out of my parents hands, I didn't quite make it to my true due date at birth. Where I was anticipated a Gemini, I was born a Taurus. The beauty of this is, if you truly believe in all this horoscope hibbity hob is that I can carry the traits of both. Yes, we should all just stop what we're doing and feel ridiculously awful for my poor Husband who lives with this nonsense all the damn time. I want to be my stronger self again. I want to shine, dammit! I want to believe that this first portion of the year, this darker me is my Gemini bad twin. I want to believe that I can dust myself off, stand again and fucking SPARKLE come 2013. I WANT TO BE FURIOUSLY HAPPY!!! So I made I'm making a list. Things I can see this sparkly twin doing that my dark, dull, other self would NEVER DO. No judging, y'all... it's my list, not yours. I'll elaborate in future posts. Spoiler alert? Meeting (hopefully) two of my favorite bloggers on Wednesday. This is me peepeeing my pants a little.

1. Meet with my people. Not like Jesus, but more like my fellow bloggers... maybe even smoosh cheeks European style with the ones I put up on a pedestal. Met the Bloggess 5/16
2. Run 30k by New Years. (Currently at 6.6: Color Run 5k, All Aboard for a Cure 1 Mile/1.6k)
3. Get back into a career style job.
4. Move out of the basement.
5. Take the kids to the beach, any coast will do.
6. Really celebrate my marriage and relationship with my best friend, i.e. family might need to avert their eyes.
7. Pilgrim back to the Drepung Loseling Monestary in it's new (to me) location.
8. Yoga. And YES, M.... I'm going to need your help on this one because this one is inspired by YOU.
9. Read 30 novels.
10. Lose 30 MORE pounds.
11. Quit smoking.
12. Spend more time in my craft room and less time in the kitchen.

The rest of the list is to be continued... I'm not a quitter, I just want my list to really mean something if not for me, for my kids 30 years down the road.

Joan of Art

Insert dramatic sigh here...

The kids had their last day of pre-k today. SIGH SIGH SIGH, DEEP BREATH, SIGH. I love their school, LOVE their school. But I think it's time to move on to bigger and better things for "Baby Genius." There's still a good chance she'll be back at this same pre-k come fall, but things are starting to look much differently around these parts future wise.

I had an interview today. It went so well I almost forgot I was having a massive panic attack seconds before walking through the door. It went so well that I felt as if I'd been working there for months already by the time I walked OUT the door. The chemistry was real, people. Super real. Thanks for the prayers and happy thoughts if you were thinking them. I'll need you to keep those prayers and thoughts going until Monday when I find out if I made up all those good vibes from today in my head. Here's hoping I didn't. As I left the interview site, I passed two Montessori schools within a mile of where I'd be working. Like I said, things are starting to look much different for our future. I'm simply trying to keep my mind focused on everything BUT the interview results until Monday. So your job, should you accept, is to please keep your fingers, limbs, etc. crossed so I don't have to think about it. Everyone else can think about it for me.

Let's look at some pretty pics of my chillins, shall we?

Lillie Rae was awarded "Girl with the most beautiful eyes." I am SO glad they decided against, "Honey Badger with the sharpest shiv."

 

 Less surprisingly, Lo was awarded "Most athletic boy." The kid finds his BFF's first thing when he walks through the classroom door and wrestles them to the ground and/or chases them from the time the bell rings till we come to pick him up. As I said, not surprised.

 Their faces say it all. If you don't know my children and/or my parenting style, their faces read as so, "AWWWWW SHIT, WE GOT CUPCAKES, CHEESE PUFFS AND COOKIES BEFORE LUNCH BEESHES!" Also, they didn't eat lunch after this. I can't imagine why. I'm pretty sure Lillie wants to hug whoever came up with the Graduation Party food list. She probably even wants to live with them forever and ever amen with extra cheese doodles.

And now I must go make up a cupcake list for next weekend's consignment sale. I really like how our savings account looks right now thanks to cupcake sales, budgeting, extra cleaning cash and birthday money from the fam. Our future, she is changing a little more each day. I see skies of blue... trees of green... blah blah blah... I'll be here all week!

Love and Hope and One Last Day.

Mother's Day is Sunday. Are you ready? I'm ready. I'm so ready. I'm ready for this to be the best week ever. EVER. If you pray, and even if you don't, can you lift me up in your thoughts sometime around 3 p.m. EST tomorrow? I'd super appreciate it. SUPER appreciate it.

While I know that they didn't plan it on their own, the kids came home from school yesterday with handmade vases. I immediately broke down inside because tomorrow? Tomorrow they "graduate." I will probably cry, but I know that I'm also deep down super excited to not have to get them up and ready for school three days a week and that we can work one on one together for the next 3 months on phonics/math/etc. To help with that, I've been adding books to read to our "We Give Books" library. Have you visit there yet? You really should. I've been finding little lesson plans that I can use in conjunction with the stories, which is awesome! Amazing even, and it makes me feel good knowing that with every book we ready, we're helping others who don't have access to good literature.

And now for something completely different (shuffles off stage!)

  

Miracle of all miracles, it's rained here these past few days. Bad for the kid's "water day" outside at school today, but they didn't let a little mud ruin their day. I took both of these shots earlier yesterday and then it started to rain. And it rained, and it rained some more, and wait for it... guess what... still raining. A little. I will be glad when the weather decides that it's going to do, but until then, I'll enjoy the 50 degrees at night. Better than 80 degrees inside. One day I will have the last word on the air conditioner. ONE DAY.

Not quite five.

We are hard on you, and we don't ever mean to be. You've always been so curious, so big hearted and emotional. You never sleep, and when you do, I always get a picture... because it almost never happens. Unfortunately, when you do pass out during the day it's because you're not feeling well. I'm so sorry I can't fix you every time when you hurt. I'm so sorry that I you are our "starter" child so to speak. We learn through you, and Daddy and I both know what that's like because we were the first too. Just like our parents, we expect great things from you because we know you're capable of exceeding greatness. And yet, I know how incredibly unfair those expectations are. You try so hard to please us, and Lo, you don't even have to try. You are our boy, our first creation together, our greatest legacy began with you.

I remember night after night, nursing you and shushing you... begging you to just fall asleep until 2 a.m. became 3 a.m. and slowly we would wake up around sunrise on the couch, groggy and unaware of how we got there. You would look at me with your big not yet chocolatey emerald eyes and smile. It was a new day! For new adventures and discoveries! Carpe diem and boobies and all that stuff! You hated tummy time, loathed it. You would have much rather had your hands in mine so you could push up to stand, ready to run, but no coordination to do so. You wanted nothing more than to be strapped facing out in that ratty old Snugli so you could fuss at me to take you from one room to another. Your eyes weren't big enough to see the whole world and it would literally, and still does at times, frustrate you to no end. And yet, when you were sleeping, it was all I could do not to crawl up in my bed with you and stick your sticky baby fist in my mouth and just savor your scent and sounds. I could only watch you sleep, however, because the slightest movement on the mattress meant party time or that the booby buffet was open for business.

I constantly worried about your developmental milestones. I lied to your pediatrician more than once about your speech and language development because you communicated to me in a way that made me know you understood. You had your own language and I was fluent unlike anyone else. When Lillie came out talking, you began to grasp the benefits of using your words. I sighed a huge sigh of relief knowing they'd been inside your head all that time, but it never seemed to matter enough for you to use them. Your baby features started to melt away almost as quickly as your vocabulary started to grow. I died inside when your thigh chub creases seemed to disappear overnight. I cried alongside you as you wiped out on the driveway repeatedly because you didn't know how to stop running, instead only speeding up and bringing the inevitable closer and closer. Each new scar and scab hurt me as much as it did you. Your baby skin giving way to roughed up knees and elbows, making way for dirt and hairy little boy legs. Your scent changing from powdery sweet to earth and sweat.

When you started preschool, I thought I would be happy to give you more freedom to run and socialize. You are everyone and anyone's friend. Instead I found the silence left in your wake deafening. You were only gone for a few hours a day a few days a week. I learned to appreciate the time it gave me with Lillie, but when it came time to go pick you up, we would celebrate your return to us as you would come running out the door with arms outstretched. Even if there comes a day where you could care less about your parents, I hope you always have your Sister as your best buddy and partner in crime even though most days it's the other way around.

 

At 4, you are still so eager to please that you stumble awkwardly on words you can't yet understand. You want to help and don't understand our frustrations when you are underfoot. We want to include you and teach you, but we fall back to square one. We don't know how to best teach you or include you. We try hard to be patient, and after 4 years, we are still learning this fine art. Every day you change a little more, you spread your wings a little more, finally finding a new and exciting independence of connecting the figurative dots to make pictures and words. The building blocks to logic are slowly falling into place and I can see the disappointment when you realize something can't go your way because it simply can't. I feel your sadness deep in my heart when you break down in tears because life isn't fair. I often joke that being 4 must be a hard job, but I'm only half joking, because I know it's hard. I was once very much like you, and sometimes I still am. You want to make everyone laugh, you want to love and please those closest to you. You want your space, but can't understand when Lillie or anyone else wants theirs. You are bossy and stubborn and hate when she or your friends don't play Star Wars the way you want them to. I get it. Believe me, I get it.

At almost 5,  I can vividly remember waking up in my room at Gamma's house. It's one of my first solid memories as a child. I remembered that it was almost my birthday and we were in a new house and I had a best friend who lived close to me. I was aware, much more than I'd ever been, of myself and my surroundings. I think if you haven't already become more "aware" that the day is coming. I want to whisper all the answers in your ear as you sleep, to reassure you that it's ok to be awkward and it's ok to be you, big heart and all. I want to feel your little arms wrap around my neck as I promise you that we will get through this next year all in one piece, better than when we started... that Kindergarten won't be scary and the possibility of surgery isn't that big a deal, that it's far better for you to be well than take chances. Mommy is not a risk taker, and you know what I've noticed? Neither are you.

My sweet precious boy, nothing can ever change the fact that you are my little lover. I will always stop what I'm doing when you sneak past me to tell me that you love me. I hope that everyone stops to hear you proclaim your love for them. I hope their hearts melt like mine do. You are a treasure, my greatest gift, my sweetest boy, my inner voice.

And that's when it hit me...

My entire existence revolves around whether or not Lillie is on poop strike. There. I said it. A real moment from this weekend was when her head turned around "Exorcist" style and she stared me right in the eye, sweat gleaming on her nose, upper lip and brow and exclaimed, "I'M POOOOOOPING." This was after a good 30 minutes of guttural screaming and tantrum throwing... AT MY IN-LAW'S HOUSE. My Husband and family scurried in circles around her as she writhed in pain and I sat on the couch periodically looking up from my game of Bejeweled Blitz muttering, "She's fine... she does this once a week, just pretend she's not screaming and go on with your lives."

You guys. I am NOT the worlds best parent, but I'm not the worst either. I'm just completely over my 3 year old's issue with pooping. I can't even give you a time frame when it began, it just feels like forever. MY LIFE IS CENTERED AROUND HER BLATANT REFUSAL TO SHIT ON THE TOILET. This is my life. THIS. IS. MY. LIFE.

Dear Lillie Rae of Sunshine,
I'm sorry. One day you will look back upon this blog post on whatever newfangled contraption you've convinced your Father to buy you and show this to your therapist and tell her that this, THIS, is why you got your nipples pierced when you were 15. And CAN YOU BELIEVE you had to grow up with this crazy woman who obviously had no sense of filter on the internet and your life is completely ruined because of it??? Don't worry kiddo, all those years I was saving money in MY piggy bank, I was silently thinking it would all go to your therapy one day... or your black eyeliner fund. Whichever you needed more. I love you, but for the love of God, if you're still shitting your pants at 15 I will go live under a bridge somewhere because I failed as a Mother. Also, don't ever invite me into your birthing room when you decide to have children, because all I'm pretty sure I got a good glimpse of what THAT will be like over the weekend.
Love,
Mommy

Sigh.

Last Birthday post... honest!

My Father In law knows me a little too well. Chocolate on chocolate with a little chocolate on the side. Oh, and maybe a little chocolate on top. Today was my Birthday celebration with my Husband's family. I am loved, they like to make me remember that much.

All in all I had FABULOUS Birthday weekend. Did you know that all it takes to make me happy is for my dishes to be done, floors cleaned, Cuban food and pool time? No? Well now you do! I say we do this all again next weekend for Mother's Day, only maybe we throw in a little massage time? That would be the cherry on my mutha fluffin sundae fo realz, yo. Gonna keep this post short and sweet, much like myself as I need to get up really REALLY early for some elliptical and yoga time. I may or may not have indulged a little too much this weekend.

 I promise they weren't watching him drown. He's still alive and well, honest.

 Reading "Dora" with Papa. Honey Badger loves to read and be read to. Papa for the win.

 My Sister In Law likes to play with my hair. I let her because I'm a sucker for having my hair did. It's also why I had unprotected sex 4 years ago... my daughter also loves to play with my hair and something about having my hair brushed puts me into a coma. Can't sleep? Let my daughter brush your hair for you.

 If I told you what I wished for, it won't come true. Till manana, amigos!

Cinco de... uh oh... are those hives???

Things started innocently enough this morning after Logan came to bed puking his brains out. At least he only horked once and then worked his fever off in bed with me. After lunch, I made my Birthday brownies, took a nap and prepared for a CUBAN FEAST!!! I can only convince my family to go there about once a year (my Birthday... how convenient.) But after seeing Lillie waste some ham croquettas, chicken and papas fritas, the Husband and I decided we have to go there more often. I think the little Honey Badger might have some latin roots somewhere in her lineage with the way she took to the place. It was a far enough drive that she passed out about halfway there. I was able to snap a picture right when her brother decided to pull a Mommy move and I caught him stroking the hair off her forehead. These kids... ugh... I couldn't survive a day without them.

 Sweet little Honey Badger.

Once my parents and Grandpa arrived, it was game time. IT WAS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG, Y'ALL. I love me some Cuban food. When I lived in Naples (Florida, not lucky enough to have lived in Italy), there was a fantastic "International" cafe that had a HUGE buffet serving nothing but the more locally international (does that make sense) cuisine. By this I mean, lots and LOTS of Cuban delicacies. I took the Husband there the weekend we got married and they give you this cafeteria style styrofoam plate and you can load it up as high as you want and they weighed it by the pound before you walked out the door. Once he'd all but licked his plate clean, he asked if we could come back for the next meal. So good. Devilishly good. If you're ever in Naples, Florida... go find the "World Cafe and Bakery." You won't regret it... well... your waistline might! So in full on tradition, we went to "Los Gordos" and it's as close as I can get to being back in Naples. Have I mentioned Mama needs a vacation?????!?!

 My family. Lillie has her head turned and Lo looks like he's about to cut someone. The Husband ducked the minute I clicked on instagram. Something about, "always for the blog..."

 

 Sweet plantains and jamon croquettas. These got passed around the table quite a bit throughout the meal.

 I made a meal out of black beans and rice, sweet plantains and ONE tamale. I had to swear to my family that I'd only eat one as they tamales there are so fantastic they had THREE left in the entire cafe by 4 p.m. and of COURSE there were three of us salivating over them from behind the plexiglass divider.

 The Husband's meal. A Media Noche sandwich with a tamale (a$$hole HAD to have one after seeing mine) and a small side of black beans and rice.

We stuffed ourselves sick, sat for a while admiring the pictures and the huge driftwood cigar hanging on a wall near our table and then let the kids run circles and race around the sidewalk in front of the cafe. Again, I could eat there for every meal. So very very good. Of course, we stopped to get frozen yogurt on the way home. OF COURSE. We were all so stuffed still we should have known better. Lillie ended up with hiccups and horked a little after running all over the place, yet again, in the heat after eating her orange/watermelon frozen yogurt. It was totally worth it.

 It's serious business when you have to remove all jewelery before digging in!

Let's talk about hives and spider bites again. While the kids were running amok on the sidewalk I noticed Lo scratching and wiggling like he had some itches he just couldn't satisfy. Once we got home, upon further inspection we discovered he had hives literally spreading up from his toes to his torso. After nearly 2 teaspoons of Benadryl later, I put Lillie to bed, called my Mom for backup and the Husband and I took Lo to the emergency room. Yay! We could no longer put off having him checked out. His body was very obviously telling us it couldn't fight the spider (?) bite on it's own. I question the whole spider thing now because nobody saw a spider bite him and he never called attention to being bit by ANYTHING on the upper inside of his arm. After we check into the waiting area, a nurse comes over, who shall be referred to as Nurse Shit for Brains. Nurse Shit for Brains wants to inspect Lo's "bite" and comes to the conclusion (all on his own, bless his heart!) that Lo more than likely has MRSA than a spider bite. All because the WOUND. WAS. NOT. WET. Ok, I'm sorry, but I created that child from scratch inside of me, I've raised him semi-successfully with the help of his Father for the past 4 years and 10 months... I'M PRETTY SURE I KNOW WHAT A BUG BITE LOOKS LIKE ON MY CHILD WHO IS ALLERGIC TO ALL THINGS BUG RELATED. Nurse Shit for Brains better be happy I was on my anxiety meds, because seriously... SERIOUSLY... MRSA? Shit. For. Brains. Once the REAL Doctor gets us back in a room and checks Lo out HE comes to the EDUCATED conclusion that Lo's obviously reacting to some sort of insect bite and he needs to be scheduled for allergy testing first thing Monday morning and sends us home with a healthy dose of prednisone. This is my happy face that we didn't have to hold our child down to have an IV placed or talked down from the ceiling should Nurse Shit for Brains have pulled a tetanus shot from his pocket. The boy fell asleep in the car on the way home from the Hospital, which is rare, even if it was 10 p.m. seeing as he NEVER EVER SLEEPS without having to be threatened. I mean... not so much threatened as bribed. Oy, that sounds worse. Let's just say there's a lot typically involved with the whole "putting Logan to sleep process." I'm just glad he's home safe and sound in his bed and as healthy as he's gonna be for a while.

His biggest worry was how girly his bear looked with a bow around it's neck. He couldn't be more "snips and snails, boy" if he tried. The bear is something they do for pediatrics patients at our hospital. A local church group sews them up and each child gets one. No two are alike, and Lillie has one from when she twisted her ankle up good last summer.

It was a great Birthday outside of the worry/anxiety involved with having to take one of my wee ones to the emergency room so late at night. I had good food with my family, a fun time watching the kids play and a FABULOUS nap. Here's to the first year of being 30! May my next 30th Birthday be just as exciting!