Baby's First Nebulizer.

Over the weekend things went from bad to worse in all things related to sick kids.

Lillie's fevers never really stabilized, you could use her forehead as a personal timer. I'd give her the Tylenol and the minute 4 hours had passed, her cheeks would start to flush and her temp would rise once again. She never once complained of any real pain other than waking up yesterday claiming that she had a headache and she would cover her eyes or put her palm smack dab in the middle of her forehead. I chalked it all up to the fever.

Logan has had a cough varying from "meh, it's just something going around the Preschool" to "DUDE, you should really stop smoking." This cough has been persistent and off again on again for nearly two weeks. When he started sounding really tight and the coughs became more frequent and dry I started to panic. I could see my parents in the bathroom with my sister with both the sink and shower on full tilt and her little body convulsing as she'd gasp for breath only to go right back into another coughing spell. I still remember the blood on the bathtub from when her lungs started to deteriorate. I also remember my parents quitting smoking shortly after that. Back then, you didn't think twice about lighting one up in the car with your kids in the backseat. Anywho, back to the story at hand. I spent quality bathroom time with Lo this weekend. Three times to be exact. The last time was at 5:30 this morning when Lillie woke everyone in the house up screaming like a banshee whilst delirious with fever. Nothing will sober you or bring you to your feet faster than a baby screaming like she's been stabbed. NOTHING.

I was able to close my eyes for a few minutes on the couch while they watched "Marmaduke" for the 5,877th time this week and ate their breakfasts. No sooner had I shut them, Lo would start hacking in my face. I'd wake up with him standing over me telling me that he loved me and just wanted to hug me. I mentally thought to myself, hang in there little buddy! Only two more hours till Mommy can call the Nurse's line at your Doctor's office and get us all drugged up and better! Not sure if other parents do this, but I purposefully did NOT give my children Tylenol and/or children's Mucinex because I didn't want to be that parent who's kids miraculously appeared all better by the time our appointment came around. Oh no, I'm pretty sure the Doctor and everyone else in that building believed me and not because I had the world's largest bags under my eyes. The Doctor waltzed in and looked IMMEDIATELY at Lillie and asked her if she'd been coughing. She answered him by screaming feverishly something along the lines of "the weird books" and "don't let that little girl read the weird books!" ((Tomorrow we talk about inappropriate books in children's waiting rooms, Doctor "I don't think it's appropriate to read about the workings of the endocrine system to your 3 year old.")) And then Logan hacked up a lung, or at least tried his hardest to do so unsuccessfully.

The Doctor only slightly redeemed himself by actually observing my children upon entering the room and making light-saber jokes with his Otoscope, which made him the COOLEST DOCTOR EVER in Logan's book. We talked about family history of asthma and I actually cleared my throat and spoke up. Logan ALWAYS has a cough. Stomach virus? Gets a cough. Sinus infection? Gets a cough. Wind blows the wrong way? Cough. His coughs come worse at bedtime and when he first wakes up, when it's extremely dry or cold out, when it's too dusty, when he's played hard outside. He's had a noticeable cough for at least a year now, and I finally got up the nerve to ask the Doctor just what DO we do about it? What's our next step? We've tried guaifenesin, steamy bathrooms, humidifiers, heavy duty cough meds that I won't even list on here because WORST MOTHER EVER. And yes, I see you staring and wagging your finger at me... I SEE YOU. For once, this one particular Doctor listened to me. He typed on his little computer and said that he was sending us home with a nebulizer and the boy is to use it three times a day until he's no longer coughing. My boy officially has asthma. Apparently he inherited more than just my dashing good looks and constant state of panic/anxiety. Speaking of which... have you ever tried to put a medical mask on a child on the verge of a panic attack? IT IS SO MUCH FUN YOU GUYS, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY TRY IT THIS WEEKEND!!! The Nurse, as she was showing me all of the components and attempting to explain them through Lo's frantic screaming, said that at least if he's screaming we know he's sucking A LOT of the medicine into his lungs. Poor sweet Nurse, she doesn't live with my mini-me.

 Baby's first nebulizer comes complete with it's very own creeptastic child size medical mask! How fucking delightful! Unless you're 4 years old and OH HELLZ NAW.

By the time he got around to assessing Lillie, I think HE thought she was going to be that tag along child that got checked out just because Mommy had no where else to take her but to bring her along for the ride. Oh no... girlfriend had a double ear infection. We don't call her our honey badger for nothing. Logan gets an ear infection and he's vomiting all over the place and constantly wobbling when he walks. Lillie? She wouldn't tell us if her leg was broken until we finished walking uphill... in the snow... both ways. She's alright, she'll walk it off. Tis nothing but a mere flesh wound. Sister is hardcore. 

We thought we were ready to leave the office and started packing up and putting shoes back on when he finished up telling us about the nebulizer and immediately followed up with, "Oh, and Logan will need to have his nose swabbed to check for the flu and RSV." Oh, yay! This sounds like a q-tip in the nose, NO BIG DEAL. Until the nurse came in with two freaking pipe cleaners. Even I panicked. Is that METAL sticking out the ends? IS THAT EVEN SAFE???? I had to bear hug the boy with my eyes closed tight while Lillie LAUGHED* maniacally through Lo's screams as they jabbed him in the sinuses with pointy metal q-tips. I mean seriously, IS THIS REALLY NECESSARY? *((Totally inappropriate laughter as a result of someone's pain is totally inherited from me. I swear we don't mean to, it just happens.))

Amazingly enough, neither child was crying by the time we got to the check out. The "stickers as bribery" trick worked once again, just as it did me 25 years ago... at the same practice... with the same Doctor. It also helped that I promised my poor preshus and unnecessarily tortured babies popsicles, chocolate milk, and whatever else their hearts desired at the grocery store because seriously, mah preshus babies were assaulted with pointy jabby pipe cleaners and totally weird books about PICKING SCABS AND EATING THEM. ((Again, we shall discuss that at a later date. Totally fucking terrifying. Also, totally not appropriate reading material.)) Later, after burning dinner for the second time in a week, in a CROCKPOT no less, I attempted to make a wholesome dinner of (organic) macaroni and cheese with turkey dogs. For the second time in a week.

Disregard the unwashed dishes and PILE of recycling. It's good for the planet. Probably not good for my children that I'm holding a very sharp knife with the intention of one handed chopping of aforementioned hot dogs in the other hand. You know, the one with the sleeping baby in my arm. Totally appropriate. Or we could talk about the fact that there is a child RESTING on my dirty ass faux cobblestone laminate kitchen flooring. That can also be filed somewhere between "Totally Appropriate" and "Mommy is Fucking Exhausted."

This post? Rated F for the unfortunate amount of f-bombs in a post centered around my children's health. On a good note, releasing said f-bombs for the world to read has probably put me in the best place (mentally) I've been all damn day. You're welcome.