Vintage Supahmama

August 31st, 2009

Mama has meant to write this for two months, I swear. You're two now. TWO. Two whole years and I'm already choking up before I can finish this sentence. The first year felt like forever and the second? Well, it flew by so fast I can't even remember how you could possibly become this little crazy man in such a short time frame. I mean, I KNOW that the year drug on for say, a good six months out of the twelve because Holy Lord, mama was PREGNANT. Thank the Heavens above child, that you are a boy, because you will never have the joy of knowing just how slow time can drag unless you're baking a baby in your belly. Unfortunately for you, however, because the Mama was pregnant, my memory isn't so great of this past year. Even worse, we lost your Gigi halfway through it all. Mama is still trying to work her way through that one.

I do know this, that I love you from your sticky sweaty head down to your stinky cheese toes... even the dirt in your armpits and elbow creases get a little love out of this poor poor Mama. You've blossomed into this BOY who doesn't know how to get the words out, but knows every note to "I'm a little teapot," "A-B-C's," and can "YEEEEE-HAW" right on cue with Woody from "Toy Story." You are a nightmare to take out in public, but a sight for sore eyes when any old lady at the grocery store strikes up a "conversation" with you... Your imagination is larger than Mama and the Daddy can even comprehend. It's larger than all the galaxies combined and you are the ONLY child I've ever met who has mastered transforming into a puppy before the age of 3. What a wonder and joy you are. You mastered fetch faster than any dog I've ever owned, and for that I give you "knucks."

And then came sister. At first you were unsure about this traitorous fleshy mini-human we brought into YOUR house. You never hurt her or us over this new addition, but you mastered the art of ignoring her AND your parents pretty quickly thereafter. At least you started early enough that we wouldn't be too phased by it come time for you to hit your teen years. Now that she's become much more personable and you can interact with her more. The two of you seem to have gone from merely coexisting to quite the team in a sense. You LOVE her and she loves you five thousand times more than you think she does. You hung the moon and the stars in her mind. You also hung the ceiling fan, the sun, clouds, hanging plants... you name it. She starves for your attention, and oh my gosh, when you grant her 5 seconds of your time she gobbles it up like Mommy on cake. You can see the excitement oozing out of all her little pores when you come within grabbing distance of her. You've recently started becoming more annoyed with her when you want to play alone and she is nearby just as you did when we brought a friend's baby in during the day. You whine and bat her hand away when she goes to pull on your shirt or *gasp* runs her fingers through your hair. But, again, you tolerate her in a way that only makes her even happier that you exist in her presence at all.

We've had some run ins with attitude, but dude... you're TWO. I expected as much if not more. Sometimes when I get exasperated with you I remember friends or even strangers commenting on how well behaved you are outside of the house and either they're a bunch of big fat liars, they're being sarcastic, or perhaps they're telling the truth and I have nothing else to compare you to. I do know that the time-out chair is a freaking joke to you and that fulfilling my desire to duck tape you to it would NOT help at all but only make things worse. taking toys away doesn't work because again, YOU'RE TWO and rotten due to the fact that you have a ton of family who thinks you're the best thing EVER. So having toys taken away as punishment? No biggie... there are more where those came from. It seems as of now for me at least, that sitting you in the middle of your fairly empty bedroom (we are the least fun parents, EVER) and making you sit there for a full two minutes at least distracts you long enough to keep you from going right back to the punishable act and THAT is the greatest part about two. Toddler induced A.D.D. it's freaking sweet. except for when I need you to get into the car and my arms are full of sister and all of the things that go along with having two in diapers.

SPEAKING of diapers. Could you please get over this whole "I'm totally cool with sitting in about 10 pounds of my own shit" attitude? Your parents are totally not down with this. SERIOUSLY. You were obviously excited to have "GAY-HO!!!!!!" (ahem, Diego) on the front of your pull-ups, but when the baby jaguar on your ass started to look as if he was bleeding chocolate... THAT was the last straw. You let us know when you're ready, dude... so long as that's BEFORE preschool and next years laughable attempt at getting you into peewee soccer and t-ball. The laughter you hear on this side was me convincing others I could have you trained in 3 days. Oh, OH... the irony, THAT'S SO FUNNY. Here I turn my nose up at other mom's and even non-mom's giving "ass"vice to mother's about to go through a "really fun time" a "turningpoint in childhood" and I'm doling it out myself about POTTY TRAINING. Could somebody send me some copies of, "Everyone Poops," "Once Upon a Potty..." and pretty much any other media involving feces, toilets, and toddlers that are on the market right now? Because you, my stinky STINKY boy have a real soft spot (no pun intended) for anything edible with the fiber content of an entire bucket of Metamucil. Thanks for that. What mom in her right mind tells her child, "NO! Mortimer Quincy the Third! You put that prune down and have a big bowl of sugar coated crack sacks." A bad one... THAT'S who. What can I say... the child is QUITE the fan of raisins, prunes, pears, grapes, granola bars, multi-grain ANYTHING... I might have screwed up a bit these past 2 years by attempting to counteract the insane constipation my stinky had the first six months of his life. Awesome. Anyways, I was writing this for my baby... so back to the subject at hand.

My stinky boy, you are quite the lover when you want to be (and when you're not doing the "Night at the Roxbury" dance and being a puppy.) I catch you lounging (aka cuddling) with Daddy all the time... traitor. I only carried you INSIDE MY BODY for two weeks too long on top of the 9 months you were baking in my belly. You used me as a host body and then just left me for dead. Thanks. I appreciate that. Aside from THAT, it does make my heart melt a little to see you hug and kiss on sister... and ok, it makes my heart melt a LOT to see you love other people, because THAT totally makes my job worth it. To know that i brought this tiny little human into the world two years ago (seriously, TWO???) who loves others unconditionally as he loves his Mama and Daddy is probably the biggest gold star on the Mama's accomplishment chart she'll ever get. I want to nurture that big heart of yours, baby boy... I want to see you be compassionate for years to come... to see you love even those who others wouldn't think deserved it... to be kind and still keep that humor because everyone deserves to smile and your smiles make the stars fall from the sky... or at least that's what THIS Mama thinks. I love you my booger butt...

your mama mama.