I look around and as far as the eye can see, I see that we are no longer self sufficient. That we are adults, but only on paper. I make $13 at a yard sale over 6 hours and as I'm putting it in my wallet want to know just how far it can take us. I get a demand for a refund on a product that I can't legally give the person, but I want to refund them and I can't because after ordering, shipping and restocking I made a measly $50 and that already went to gas. I see that my Husband is still my Husband and I love him down to his bare bones, but I am so angry at the repeat offender in him that I can barely breathe. I see that after putting resumes and applications in to over 2 dozen companies that nobody wants to hire a woman who has been at home for 3 years raising babies, who doesn't have a degree in ANYTHING, and who couldn't even graduate High School and waited a year and a half to get her GED. My favorite word these days is "useless." My Husband's department was useless. My husband's work ethic and lack of concern for changing his attitude was useless. I'm useless for not being good at anything but being a good mother. My anti-depressant is useless because I've been crying for the past week and a half and I'm back to wanting to crawl in bed with the covers over my head to block out all the "useless." Useless. It's a great GREAT word. You should try it some time.
I know that I'm starting to slip not only because of the nagging sensation that "SUPAHMAMA OPERATION DEPRESSION HIBERNATION 2010" is about to be in full force, but also because I've been holding one sided arguments in my head a lot lately and then being really REALLY upset when people don't change their behaviors therefore making me lose my shit on them inside my head. This is happening more and more... and this is going to cause me to, well, lose my shit like two bullet trains headed straight for each other during rush hour. If you knew me, you'd know that I am NOT an angry or confrontational person in real life. If you knew me, you'd know something was up and not just because I'm in constant hyperventilate mode. If you knew me, you'd probably take one look at me and want to either a.) hug me or b.) back away as quickly and silently as possible in hopes my brain matter (you know, from when my head blows clear off my neck) doesn't reach you from your new location.
I don't want to be this angry anymore, I want this angry to go away. I want to not lose my Husband or people I love because I completely give them a piece of my mind immediately before ripping them new assholes among other new orifices. I want to sleep for days and days and days and wake up in Oz. I want to preserve my babies in this stage of their lives where they can't really grasp the chaos swirling around them. I don't want them to remember their mother FIGHTING the local DCFS because she's scared shitless that in a week and a half she's going to have to ask for help from her family and it's a help that comes at a huge and unobtainable price.
I want to be things likes grateful and thankful, or even better yet happy. I want to feel protected and safe. I want to feel relief that we weren't able to get a house because of our current financial circumstances. I want to feel lucky to have a car with a great engine and air conditioner that works almost TOO well, instead of embarrassed that I have to climb through the passenger door to open the driver's side door JUST TO GET IN THE CAR. I want to be glad that I have a roof over my head instead of ashamed that we live in a basement. I want so many things, so many simple and yet stupid things KNOWING that my needs will be met regardless of either of us having a job.
Looking to the past has been something I have tried really, REALLY hard not to do as I've learned that it does nothing but slow down any progress I've made since then. It's hard not to though. 10 years ago my requirements for my life were simple, that my needs were met and I was happy and in loooove. At that time I was engaged and, to my knowledge, all those needs were met... and then he pulled the rug out from under me and I felt like I no longer even knew what trust and love were. So I got tough on love and looked love right in the face and gave it a big "FUCK YOU..." I told myself that I didn't need love so long as I could take care of myself. I could far surpass any needs I had for myself BY myself... and then my best friend came home to me... and I loved him... and he made me feel safe. I changed my requirements for my life so that love would make things work, and so far it has. Things have always worked out, even when they've had to work their way through devastation first. But sometimes? Sometimes my old requirements niggle their way through my brain waves. Sometimes I want more for my kids, my Husband, and myself as well. I get green eyed with envy and hatred that we can't have a stable family income, that we can't have a house of our own, that we can't take vacations, that we can never seem to make it to the next pay day without owing the bank more and more.
I have to stop here, I can't write anymore and I think maybe I need to sleep this cloud off of me.
Friday, January 27, 2012
June 27, 2010