I Hope You Know.

To my children,

I hope you know I have loved you with every cell in my body.

From the day I knew you were a possibility, I have known you. In the days of your early years I would look at you awe struck and it would become unfathomable that there was a time in my life you did not exit, as if you were always there somewhere tucked behind my ear like a strand of hair.

It would be devastating to think there will ever be a day you go to sleep questioning my unwavering love for YOU. You as you are, not the "you" that you think I think you should be. I have only ever wanted you to be happy, healthy, know you're loved to your core and to enjoy every moment of your childhood and hold onto those years before they slip so quickly through your fingers.

I will forever be disappointed that I couldn't give you the time I wanted to. I tried so hard to make my presence a possibility, but I know that I fell short often once our family structure fell from a 5 person household to 4. I am and have been doing everything within reason to give you all my personal time I can spare without depleting my own "stores" of personal time to rebuild myself for the next day.

You deserved more and you deserved better than what we as your parents provided. I tried so hard and felt as if each year my knuckles were more metaphorically bloody than they were the year before from scraping my way through. 

I never wanted to be the parent that had to beg/borrow/steal to make ends meet.

I never wanted to be the parent to tell you "no" to new experiences and opportunities.

I never wanted to be the parent to enforce the three of you relying on one another so I could provide some sort of life for you.

At the end of the day, I feel like we've been fairly successful of being fierce advocates for one another and (most days) being complimentary to one another. If one falls down, we reach down and pick the other up.

I don't want you to ever think you must earn my affection or feel as if you are unworthy. I will ALWAYS love you, forever and ever no matter what. No mistakes, errors in judgment or failures you may have (and we will all have them at some point in our lives) can make me change my mind that you ARE worthy always.

I hope you know all that and more.