Stuck.

I am stuck somewhere between "familial responsibility" and carving my own identity.

I am frozen where I stand as I think back on every guilt trip, every "dishonorable" act I've ever committed, and being called upon to serve each of my family members and the different benefits each of them received while only now realizing there was no benefit for myself other than the feel good glow of knowing I "did my part" in the family.

I try to raise my kids in such a way that they know that I know they didn't choose to be here, they didn't choose this life for themselves and that they are almost entirely reliant on my ability to provide for, shelter and nurture them into adulthood. It is an absolute BONUS if they stick around beyond their teenage years, but they don't honestly owe me anything for being born and becoming who they were always meant to be. My dreams are not their own and I am ok with that. It's nice to dream, but my dreams are not their reality.

They were born into a family of parents with divorced parents and sometimes divorced grandparents. They were born into half siblings and extended families and generations of love, heartbreak, birth, death, generational curses and stories that were so jaw dropping that a whole docu-series was made about it.

When do I let the last weekends in July of my childhood slip through my fingers entirely? Weekends I spent wide eyed and curious searching the faces of my cousins, great aunts and uncles, and my great grandmother for answers to who I was.

Visits with my paternal family were stark in comparison. Stories of Alabama royalty, plantations and the "best kept slaves" but they "weren't slaves" they were family. Stories of losing my grandfather during a custody dispute. Family reunions and gatherings didn't really happen unless someone had died. And even then it would be hush hush gossip with side glances to my sister and I with whispers of "quiet now, little pictures have big ears."

Why do their stories have to be braided into who I am? Why should they? What right do they have to my present day situation? I didn't even know most of those people and they honestly probably wouldn't want to get to know me if we passed each other on a sidewalk.

A lot of what the generations before have taught me is what not to do, heartache for what they endured and learning from their mistakes. Those I met in person I've chosen my own thoughts on and either formed relationships with or kept my distance. I wasn't "being a snob" I was protecting myself from whatever it was that felt "off" with them and a lot of times it was just me being completely overwhelmed in their presence because of their mannerisms and conversation skills. Not a snob, just neurospicy.

I want my kids to have the ability to know about their family history, but not in the way that I grew up believing that their history was why I was who I was. It has nothing to do with them. Who we are as humans has nothing to do with what boat your family crossed over in and everything to do with how we conduct ourselves in the present and future.