Red Flags.

These things evoke an incredible wave of anxiety in me. I have survived this and worse. I will not settle for this or allow it ever again. I am stronger than the person who ignored these signs the first time they happened.

The next time I trust someone with my heart they will protect my heart, not scheme their way around these red flags to “protect” me. The next time I trust someone with my heart, they will do everything in their power to cultivate and nurture my heart because they love me. I am worthy of protecting, I am worthy of feeling as adored and cherished as I believe them to be as well. 

• The smell of alcohol on their breath when they crawl into bed after I’ve fallen asleep.

• Little white lies.

• Unnecessary and unpredictable rage/anger.

• Pictures of me while I’m sleeping or pictures I don’t remember that involve me.
   
• Undermining my wishes or requests without explaining why.

Just thinking about these things crawl my skin and make me feel uneasy. They tie my stomachs in knots; I can feel unwanted hands on my skin, smell the sour sweet stench of stale alcohol on their breath, their mouth on the back of my neck.

I don't ever want to feel this way again. Putting these words out here is a reminder of why I've fallen out of love in the past. Putting these words out here is like a refresher course on remembering my worth and partly a syllabus to those interested or thinking they are interested. I'm worthy. I deserve stability and consistency and respect.