Currently.

Today's post inspired by Danielle from Sometimes Sweet.

Currently Reading

I've been following Jennifer on Twitter for quite some time now. I have NO clue who started following who first. At one point we almost did a 5k together, but I was too much of a chicken shit to jump on a plane to Oklahoma to be doused in color alongside my fellow bloggy friends. What was I so afraid of again? Oh, that's right, I'm the anxious chihuahua of my kind. I'm almost ashamed to say I started this book, ooooooh... back in MARCH. In MARCH people. Re-fucking-diculous. I was on a roll, and then I got sidetracked. Butterfly. Cumulonimbus. Jeebus on a cracker. Seriously though. As a treat to myself I bought myself a BOOK and some BATH MILK with my tax returns (hold on to your underpants, people, I'm out of control when it comes to dollah dollah bills, y'all.) I would read and soak in my milky "spa water" sporting my mad seaweed mud mask and read a few chapters a few times each week. And then, BAM, busy season. I'm sporting POLYESTER SLACKS in the muggy south because I don't. have. time. to. shave. I could probably braid my kneecap hair. I've already apologized to Jennifer... I sensed snark. For real though, I was enthralled with all the church ladies in her life, even the moment when she became the church lady herself. It's also heart wrenching to read her thoughts as she suffers with her own self doubts and anxieties. I feel ya, sista, I truly do. Sneak a peek at her words here or check her out here.

Currently listening to...

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. I love the track "Home" so much I haven't even bothered to listen to any of their other stuff. I seriously crank this regardless of who's in the office. Eventually my boss just might send me home thinking I'm trying to drop hints. I swear I'm not. I just can't stop listening to this song. There's something magical about it. Reminds me of that time I fell in love with Those Darlins. 

 Currently thinking about...

This sweet baby. Her brother. Their insane little minds that go a million miles a millisecond. How at peace they were upon seeing the beach for the first time. Wanting to take them back. I contemplated moving back to the beach for a hot second, because... the BEACH, man... THE BEACH. My heart pulls and tugs and rips from my chest with the ebb and flow of the tide. I need to go back. My very existence depends on it. Needing to see their excitement at the infinite blueness of the horizon. Hearing the waves crash onto the beach at 5 in the morning... on the edge of my seat with alertness knowing with certainty the sun was going to rise at ANY FUCKING MINUTE. I'm suffocating in suburbia, man... suffocating.

Currently watching...

Well, catching up on, rather. Soon I'll be obsessively watching "Orange is the New Black."  I've been blowing through shows on Netflix like a mad man. Drop Dead Diva, Switched at Birth, Secret Life of the American Teenager, Pretty Little Liars and now Weeds. This is what I've been doing after hours. Catching up on the television everyone else has been watching for ever and ever amen. Netflix now has a new section just for me entitled, "Dark Television Shows with Strong Female Characters." Hmm... maybe Netflix knows me a little too well. I need real friends apparently.

Currently bummed  out on...

Apparently when I schedule actual vacation time through corporate, I don't get to revoke that. What's done cannot be undone and you must plan at least 1 month to the day ahead of time. My family cancelled our reunion this year, for logical reasons, but I still want to throw my temper tantrum. Not only will I have to fork out $ I don't have for airfare if I still want to visit, but if I don't fork it over my kids can go but I can't? Eff it. We'll all stay home and build tents and roast s'mores over the gas stove... in our kitchen... with fondue sticks. Can't go to the mountains. Can't go to the beach. Boo hoo, gimme some cheese for this whine of mine. In other, more positive (but damn, seriously no vacation???) news...

I'm totally loving...

That after nearly ten years of paying off my (financial) debt to society, not only was I able to refinance my truck through the bank -- DROPPING $150 off my monthly car note, I'm finally eligible for the Young Adult Visa through my credit union. I actually thanked the woman for thinking I'm a young adult. 30 really is the new 20, you guys. It's the little things in life that totally lift me up. Something as stupid and meaningless to most adults, like getting approved for both a line of credit AND an auto re-finance, mean the world to me. It shows me that I wasn't wrong in working hard and paying off my debts. I cannot even tell you how many times we were advised to "just file bankruptcy" so we wouldn't have to wait as long to fix our mistakes. What would that teach us? What would that teach our CHILDREN? That right there is why this country has gone to Hell in a hand basket financially. Yes, I've had to accept help from family, friends and the government (after a LOT of kicking, screaming, and sucking up of stubborn pride). Warning, run on sentence alert!!! Yes, I have cried myself to sleep from the weight of all that's riding on my shoulders AND the unfairness of watching others file bankruptcy around me and while they're taking their kids to Disney every few months and going to little Johnny and Jenny's Tae Kwon Do ceremonies and my own kids are eating PB&J for the 5,284th day in a row and gluing pipe cleaners together at yet another Vacation Bible School because, GOSH DARNIT, IT'S FREE AND YOU'LL ENJOY IT OR ELSE. This means if we play our cards right, we could actually own our own home possibly by my next birthday. This means no more ridiculous interest rates. This means an emergency fund is now a reality... I can defer payments if times get tough! I can pay my car note now in my underwear from the comfort of my home! No more money orders! No more $100 off my balance after paying $360 towards my balance! It's the little things...

I gotta bad habit...

I started smoking when I was 16 years old. Meaning as of this point in my life, I've been a smoker almost as long as I've been a non-smoker.

I want to quit.

The only reason I started was over a stupid boy. A stupid STUPID boy.

My first cigarette happened pretty much like this:

Stupid Boy, "The waitresses tip me in cigarettes. You want to try one with me?"
Me, "No. I have asthma. Probably not the best idea."

 ~~3 days later.~~

Stupid Boy, "The waitresses tipped me in cigarettes again. You still have asthma?"
Me, "Yes, dipshit. It doesn't just go away."

~~3 hours later.~~

Stupid Boy, "I still have those cigarettes."
Me, "FINE, IF IT WILL SHUT YOU UP LONG ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO ME GO ALL EMO AND TALK ABOUT HOW MY MOTHER HATES ME AND HOW E E CUMMINGS IS THE BEST POET EVARRRRRR...."

~~3 seconds later.~~

Stupid Boy, "Hey... HEY! You alright?"
Me, looking up at him from the floorboard of my car, "Wtf just happened? Let me try that again."

Stupid. STUPID STUPID STUPID. I went from 1 a day to 1 every waking hour. When I'm nervous? I smoke twice as many.

I want to quit. I need to quit. I want to see Lillie walk down the aisle. I want to chase my Grandbabies around the park. I want to run faster. I want to WANT to run.

Worst habit EVER.

e e cummings is still the best... for instance...

maggie and milly and molly and may

10

maggie and milly and molly and may
went down to the beach(to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and

may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me)
it's always ourselves we find in the sea 

 

 

maggie and milly and molly and may

  by E. E. Cummings

              10

maggie and milly and molly and may 
went down to the beach(to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang 
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing 
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and

may came home with a smooth round stone 
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me) 
it's always ourselves we find in the sea

- See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15406#sthash.fwLh5BIm.dpuf

maggie and milly and molly and may

  by E. E. Cummings

              10

maggie and milly and molly and may 
went down to the beach(to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang 
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing 
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and

may came home with a smooth round stone 
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me) 
it's always ourselves we find in the sea

- See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15406#sthash.fwLh5BIm.dpuf

maggie and milly and molly and may

  by E. E. Cummings

              10

maggie and milly and molly and may 
went down to the beach(to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang 
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing 
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and

may came home with a smooth round stone 
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me) 
it's always ourselves we find in the sea

- See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15406#sthash.fwLh5BIm.dpuf

maggie and milly and molly and may

  by E. E. Cummings

              10

maggie and milly and molly and may 
went down to the beach(to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang 
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing 
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and

may came home with a smooth round stone 
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me) 
it's always ourselves we find in the sea

- See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15406#sthash.fwLh5BIm.dpuf

31.

I'm 31 now. Thirty fucking ONE.

Let's talk about 30x30 shall we?

1. Meet with my people. Not like Jesus, but more like my fellow bloggers... maybe even smoosh cheeks European style with the ones I put up on a pedestal. Met the Bloggess 5/16
2. Run 40k by 32nd Birthday. (Currently at 21.6: Color Run 2012 5k, All Aboard for a Cure 2012 1 Mile/1.6k, Hot Chocolate Run 2012 5k, Diva Dash 2013 5k, Color Run 2013 5k)
3. Get back into a career style job. May 21st 2012
4. Move out of the basement. June 22nd 2012
5. Take the kids to the beach, any coast will do. May 25th 2013
6. Really celebrate my marriage and relationship with my best friend, i.e. family might need to avert their eyes.
7. Pilgrim back to the Drepung Loseling Monestary in it's new (to me) location.
8. Yoga. And YES, M.... I'm going to need your help on this one because this one is inspired by YOU.
9. Read 30 novels. (1, Jenny Lawson's "Let's Pretend This Never Happened." 2, Rebecca Woolf's "Rockabye.")
10. Lose 30 MORE pounds. (Update, I've slipped. Big time. See more below.)
11. Quit smoking.
12. Spend more time in my craft room and less time in the kitchen. (Seeing as how I've got no craft room currently, I'm going to have to find some other outlet. Again... see below.)

 WTF IS THIS SHIT??!?!

Oh yes, let's talk about my inherent lack of control when it comes to pretty much anything and everything edible within reach of me as of employment a freaking year ago. Who knew a job where I spend half of my time on my ASS in front of computer would wear me out and depress me so? I spend so much time doing absolutely nothing. Both at home and at work. I mean, I get my job done and I do a damn good job doing so... but... when I'm home? I nap. I use what time I could be bettering myself physically, and eat. Pretty much whatever I can lay my freshly manicured hands on. There's been no motivation, no want or yearning to run or do yoga. I contemplate getting up early and walking the community, maybe picking up some trash, and then when all three of my alarms go off? I wake up to the very last one and end up rushing to get to work on time between feeding children, myself, and making myself semi-presentable. 20 pounds ago I wanted to get up early. I wanted to put on my makeup. I wanted to straighten my hair and look NICE. Because I felt NICE. And for whatever reason, now? I feel disgusting, inside and out. I don't feel worth the time or effort for these things. I know I am, but that little stupid voice in the back of my head tells me otherwise. Time to shut that Bitch up.

Y'all? This is bull shit. This is stopping. TODAY. I see that 240 and even though I've gained 20, I'm going to lose 30. And when I lose 30? I'm going to lose another 10 BECAUSE I'M FUCKING WORTH IT.

End rant.