Remaining upright against better judgment.

It's been a very VERY long year for us here in Casa de Mischievous, and it all stems from one point on the map basically. We've had our ups and downs, ins/outs, cliche etc. cliche and so on and so forth. Long story short, Husband got hurt on the job (the best career on the planet for him, not so much the best company... BUT WHATEVER), Husband got himself all surgery enhanced with screws and stitches, Husband came back to work... Husband lost his job. He tried to get back into Best! Career! Ever! but to no avail, it just wasn't the same with his new bionic shoulder. He tried a new career path. He tried school. Funny thing about school, it costs money. Like, lots of money... As in, "Hey kids! You guys weren't planning on doing anything after High School, right? GOOD." We've managed to make things work, but believe me when I say that we are feeling this economy. Husband's shoulder? Is back at square one. It never completely felt back to normal after he was told to go back to work, and now he's in more pain than he was pre-surgery. How exactly is he supposed to go back into the career world if he can barely use his dominant arm? He's pushed through the pain doing various jobs, just wanting to feel normal... useful even. I can't say I understand how overwhelmed he feels, but I know how overwhelmed I feel and how every second that passes feels worse than the next. I just want stability. I want to NOT feel as if one wrong move will cause the whole house to collapse around me.

Now we're starting to get calls again. Every week it's a new call. Whether it's us asking for help or someone else calling us for funds while we cower under a blanket in the corner of the living room watching our cell phones light up and vibrate across the table. Do you think they can see us from under here? We are amazingly lucky to have our friends and family who have helped with way more than they should have at this point. And I'm not ashamed to say that we've had to sign up for Government assistance recently. We've paid our fair share of taxes and we simply need help. I can't knowingly drain the funds and energy out of family who may or may not be able to help even though they're smiling as they hand it over. But then we hit a snag.

A little over a month ago the Husband began receiving calls about the screws in his shoulder. Apparently, they were never paid for. The manufacturer of these screws has apparently been calling for a few months now in an attempt to receive payment. That's when I started scratching my head and asking questions. If he hurt himself on the job, why aren't they contacting his company? When the Husband contacted his surgeon shortly after one of the more recent calls, he discovered that it was never filed under workman's comp. That in itself raised more than a few red flags. I began researching the Husband's surgery and workman's comp laws. The injury my Husband sustained will never put his shoulder back to the way it was. His physical therapy was supposed to last for 6 months or more. He was not supposed to be using his shoulder at pre-surgery usage levels for at least a YEAR. One whole year. He was back to work around 2 months post surgery. No freaking WONDER his shoulder is shot to shit again.

I just want to go back steady paychecks, health insurance, and seeing pride in my Husband's eyes as he does something he truly enjoys. I don't want to be so overwhelmed anymore. I don't want to feel the sting of shame as I walk by yet another project I've started but can't complete, because, well... what's the point? I don't want to receive another invoice or e-mail for something as trivial as car insurance and be sent into a panic attack.

I'm throwing my hands up, God, take all this weight, all this burden from me. This is me, on my knees, asking for help.