Selfish.

I want to be selfish. 

I want to be selfish, and adored, cherished, put first… 

I don’t want to have more kids because I’ve been there, done that, got the battle wounds and nearly lost my life 2 of 3 times. I want to be selfish and not start over. I want to be selfish and spoil the kids I have already and then maybe sometime in the next 15 years I’ll have grandbabies to spoil and love on.

I want to be selfish and love someone with my whole heart who loves me with their whole heart. I want to be with someone who only wants to adventure with me in this point of my life while I still have hopefully decades of good years to adventure. 

I want to be selfish now, not in another 20 years. I don’t want to worry about kids to wake up, to manage meds for, to stress and lose sleep over when I already have that times 3 as it is. I’m finally able to be present for the kids I have and they’re almost out the door.

I want the only hot breath I wake up to to be my cats or whomever I decide to share my life with whether that’s in the moment or forever.

And because I’m selfish, I don’t want to entertain forever with someone who can’t imagine being selfish about their time with me being jeopardized by schedules and school meetings and “are they meeting their milestones” or “do you think they’re doing drugs, have bad friends, etc?”

My heart shouldn’t feel this bruised knowing that I’m possibly releasing the one person who will inevitably break my heart again. The one person I would continue following to the ends of the earth for. Maybe someone else could fill that role that one person has filled in my heart and head for the better part of my life, but would I want them? Would I be able to say goodbye? Again?

This sweet life is too short and no days are guaranteed. I just want my heart to be content with every beat that’s left in it.