You are everywhere and nowhere. Every day for 24 years you’ve made an appearance in my thoughts or dreams. Every day.
My kid talks about getting lost in the halls looking for automotive class and I remember my paper thin baggy overalls specked with paint… I remember the cool of the brick sill pressed beneath my hands, long blonde hair pushed against the window that overlooked the courtyard. I remember your hands slipping between the denim bib of my overalls and sliding over my shirt behind my back with forbidden kisses planted on my neck beneath my ear. I can remember your hands running through my hair, cupping the back of my head. My ears burn now of tactile memories, footsteps we trailblazed that year crossing in front of the auto lab my son now walks across… in that same hall, in front of those same courtyard windows that saw everything.
I don’t know what hurts more, having lost you again or knowing that I didn’t and won’t get to touch you or curl into your chest and just exhale the world and 18 years of feeling incomplete off of me.
Love, wild unapologetic love is terrifying. Having your heart laid out in front of you with all of your demons, flaws and your secrets wide out in the open is even more terrifying. I’ve been ignoring my heart; turning my head away from the dismantled mess splayed out before me… my eyes clenched shut to force the sight of this still somehow beating hollowed heart. If you listen closely you can hear her whisper, “it was you it was you it was you…”
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