Breakdown Lane

Sometimes I hate that the urge to spit words on the screen happens when my emotions are heightened. Tonight the darkness crept in. It whispered lies as single words slipped silently into my internal monologue to myself. “Isolation... unloveable... unworthy... unapproachable... awkward...”

I know they’re just lies... but they can be so damn convincing. They’re words I’ve heard sprinkled throughout the years. Words aimed at the glass walls of my heart. You try standing emotionless while those you love and trust most spew those words at you. I can’t trust anyone, not even myself most days. And what is love? Love is just a tapestry hung to cover the holes in the drywall,

I broke down tonight. I forced myself to take the trash out so I could sob quietly unnoticed in my truck. At one point, little “me” somewhere in my subconscious reached out and forced my hand. I found myself texting the one person I knew would understand when I told them my brain was lying to me. They talked me through it as best they could, but honestly... I just need a hug.

I need someone bigger and stronger than me to just come wrap me up and hold me. I’m burnt out from holding it together, running the shitshow both at work and home. I’m exhausted from having to wear the mask of a mostly functional adult. I know I started to crack last week when I fussed at my boss that it was some bullshit that I ask everyone how they’re doing and about their lives and not once has anyone in that office asked about me; asked how my weekend was... how I’m doing. And yes, I’m aware that it speaks volumes about who I’m surrounded by and nothing about who I am as a human. It just... it sucks. It sucks because I come home to my amazing children who need ME. There’s nothing left of me by the time I close my eyes at night. I can still barely fill my own cup of “needs” after filling everyone else’s.

I just need a back breaking, soul popping hug, I need time to ugly cry it out without having to worry about covering the swollenness of my face the next day. I need to be kidnapped and taken away from everything for a week.

But first, a hug.