Terms and Conditions.

When meeting new people, I feel like maybe I should start handing them pamphlets with my current terms and conditions; the disclaimers that basically warn them of what they're getting themselves into.

I don't want to be your girlfriend, wife, wifey, baby mama, girl FRIEND, GIRL friend... I don't want to be your boo, bae, baby, honey, sweetie... I'm fine on my own thankyouverymuch. I've got me. I've got all my needs covered. It's the "wants" that are the itch that need scratching.

I don't have time for you after my kids and then myself. I don't have time for phone calls, dinner dates, dinner parties, meeting your mama. It's not that I can't make time, I don't WANT to make time because then it interrupts with what little time I have to tend to my own needs. And plus? I've always been terrible at being a girl and doing things "girls like to do." Talking on the phone? Is numero uno on my list of shit I just can't do. I will stare at my phone as it rings. Try me. Voicemail is full because my Pappaw's voicemails take priority and will never be deleted unless he has a new one to leave me. So yeah, good luck with that.

My cup runneth over with needs and I'm here to draw that old familiar line in the sand stating that this is where my boundaries begin and my ability to meet your needs ends. Bye. It was fun.

I feel like no matter how large the megaphone or how big my big girl panties are, I still am not being heard when I scream, "My last relationship ended due to x, y and z. If you cannot handle x, y and z you need to move along!" Instead they hear, "Please catch feelings and think you can change my thoughts on what I want for myself." I can't talk on the phone, not because of who you are but because of this damn line in the sand. There's no negotiating or meeting in the middle. There's no compromise on this. What little time I have to myself does not include forcing words out of my mouth hole to make you feel better about your ability to compromise my time. If you can't handle the small talk and my inability to nurture a relationship I did not sign up for in the first place, then as I said, move along. I'm not the one for you if that's what you need for your cup to be filled.

It's right there, page 8 section 2 line 5, "My time outside of work consists of caring for my three children and their individual needs, tending to my mental/physical well being, lather, rinse, repeat. I'm available every other Saturday evening barring any children remain home from their visitation with their father." I mean, I didn't stutter. It's right there; black and white. I even had it printed in large print for those of us with vision issues.

If you've read this far and it hit home, please please PLEASE don't think that I'm saying any of this to be cruel. I'm not. As a matter of fact, I say it TO drive the point home. My boundaries and my ability to tell people "no?" Those are NOT suggestions nor are they flexible. I warned all parties involved to not fall in love with me. Don't do it. I'm not the one you're bringing home to mama nor am I your next wife. But I feel it. I feel the vibe changing from HMU and DTF to, "that's what I **love** about you, you're so positive and honest." No no no. No sir/madame. I'm here for a good time, not a long time. YOLO or some shit like that. My 5 year plan involves a metric ton of self evaluation and putting the work in to be my best self and LOVE the person I become. It doesn't involve a third party. I'm no good for you, you or even you down there in front with the cowlick and freckles. I knew how unfair it was to my most recent ex to silence him out of my life as I began working on myself. I knew he deserved better and I realized I didn't want or need him during this time in my life. Our time together had played out and served its purpose. Anything longer than what it was would have been kicking a dead horse. THAT. WAS/IS. NOT. FAIR. TO. HIM. Equally, it most definitely wouldn't be fair to you. I have ZERO attraction to anyone in a long term, love you forever kind of way right now. I can't even pretend to want that, and if I'm pretending? Then I'm lying to both of us.

As stated on page 3 section 4 line 1, "I need friends." That's it. Just... friends. Friends who understand that they're not going to hear from me for two weeks at a time. Friends who understand that I don't make plans because who knows if I'm even going to want to do "option A" or "option B" eight days down the road.

Please don't make me hurt your feelings. Please request a copy of of the Terms and Conditions and accept my disclaimers and fine print as the user manual to this current updated version of me.