2 years later.

I don’t know what I did to either of you. I don’t know why you’re both so dead set on insisting I want to “start something” or have an attitude. I don’t want to ever HAVE to talk to you. But when I am put in a situation where an answer is expected, I am cut and dry. I don’t want the unnecessary anxiety of conflict, I avoid conflict at all costs.

I gave you both exactly what you wanted, each other. If our children decided tomorrow to never see you again and I could honor it, I would. Because I don’t want to have to see, hear from or be in your presence any more than necessary.

Two years ago today, I made the decision to treat my husband as if he had died. And in choosing this, I am forced to see his ghost and I am STILL grieving. I never wanted or anticipated this. But please hear me loud and clear yelling it from the roof tops... I would NEVER EVER take a woman’s husband NOR would I want this version of him. I don’t want him in my life or my children’s lives. But genetics are what they are and I will not rob them of the opportunity to know him for who he is now unless they beg not to because these children are not solely my own creation. It took the both of us. But you see, THAT is where it stings the most for me as the widow of this man he was.

I remember the tears of joy, his hand hot and sweaty in mine as I birthed these babies into the world. I remember looking into their eyes and seeing God at work in them and what a miraculous creation they were and will be. I remember our joint fear as both boys nearly robbed me of my life from blood loss and us both making the solemn realization of what might have been. I have these memories of what we’re too me, humbling reminders from God that this life is so short and too sweet to take for granted. 

So yes, I am grieving the man who made me feel so lucky and so loved... but in the blink of an eye made me feel so isolated and so alone. Please don’t think I want revenge, because I don’t. I don’t want your lives to be difficult because that’s not MY choice to make. I am not nor was I ever that person wishing harm or anguish on anyone.

So know that I don’t understand this need to verbally put me in my place or school me on what you believe I’ve done wrong willingly. I’m not her, I’m not that person you want me to be. I just don’t want this grief anymore and I don’t want to be anything more than “cut and dry” so I can pretend it’s not my dead husband and the woman who changed everything for me and our children who didn’t want or ask for this, and we would not have willingly accepted this life.