H is for Heartbreak

First of all, as you've probably noticed, I've dropped out of the "A-Z" challenge. Typically I like to see things through to the end, but I have way too much going on right now that has me at a total loss for words when I sit down to write at the end of the day. I'm simply emotionally and physically drained by the time the kids are down.

Let's talk about Grandparents. My Grandmother is suffering from Alzheimer's. My Father made the decision to move out of her place after months of accusations and confrontations. We've both started receiving calls from her, detailing how there are people with red eyes on her porch at night talking about how they're going to kill her. We're in a bit of a sticky situation, however, in that she doesn't believe she's sick and everything that she needs to have happen she won't agree to. Her Doctor still needs a psychologist to assess her to give her the actual diagnosis of Alzheimer's. It kills me to watch her deteriorate this way, and to know that my children won't know her like I did.

I tell you this because we're dealing with our own situation here in this house. Do not immediately thing that Grandpa has Alzheimer's, he does not. But the situation will end with us leaving this house, because this isn't going to stop until we're no longer here. And that kills me. I would rather throw caution to the wind and force us to become independent than to stay here and have our kids see him negatively. Yes, I'm sheltering them from this as best I can and no, I don't see anything regrettable in that. They love and view him as a fixed structure in their family makeup, and that's great, it's wonderful. But I need them out from underneath him. I needed some time this week to totally freak out over what's going on. Seeing as it's Thursday and I'm finally writing, I declare this freak out a success. Specifically since I spent all day Monday sobbing uncontrollably... and I? Am NOT a crier. Pretty sure my therapist feels completely sideswiped after seeing me Monday. I just can't do this anymore. I can't stay here and watch what I know completely go to shit. The only people benefiting from being here anymore are the kids and Grandpa as the kids have an endless supply of candy and snacks while Grandpa gets the joy of watching them grow and progress. I will miss this for both of them, but neither is worth staying for in the big picture.

I am non-confrontational, a big chicken. I can't handle "big talks" from my elders, when my side of the story is just as logical and valid or when I know something to be completely untrue. I become heartbroken and physically upset when the ones I love are at odds with one another. I can't do this anymore, I can't keep the peace when I don't even know how to anymore. Now when I'm completely distressed, I find myself thinking I want to go home. It's time.

On a totally different and so much more positive note, the Color Run Encore run is Saturday and I CAN NOT WAIT. I'm hoping that it marks the beginning of a beautiful and empowering start to one of the more exciting times of our lives. We need this, I need this.

Time to allow for more positivity and sunshine on my blog again. I don't like all this dark.