Monday, October 24, 2011

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I have NEVER...

My name is Tiffany.
I am 29 years old and apparently APPALLINGLY boring. You're welcome. I have never...

  1. Been to France.
  2. Held a chimpanzee, specifically not one named Mr. Pickles.
  3. Taken a train out of state.
  4. Done crack. CRACK IS WHACK.
  5. Been great at socializing UNLESS I was already surrounded by a big group of friends.
  6. Run a mile without falling over in an asthmatic heap at some point before the finish line.
  7. Liked tofu. Not ever, not once, I don't care how you make it, you can take it and SHOVE IT.
  8. Liked white chocolate or caramel. I would rather starve for a week than suffer through either choice.
  9. Had a root canal.
  10. NOT cried when my kids get shots or have to endure pain. I think I cry before THEY cry ((unless we're talking about Lillie... she doesn't cry, she gets even.))
  11. Shopped at Trader Joe's.
  12. Been to the Jersey shore.
  13. Driven a hybrid.
  14. Gone to college unless it was to visit.
  15. Swam with the dolphins.
  16. Been a country fan (outside of Dixie Chicks... do they count? WAIT, is Taylor Swift country? HELP!!! I'M LOST IN "TWANG" AND "TEARDROPS IN MY BEER!!!")
  17. Had the pleasure of getting a tattoo. Mystery inks and metal allergies make me break out into hives. Literally.
  18. Been as ballsy as I was at 17. Where DID that girl go???
  19. Been to a shuttle launch.
  20. Witnessed a shooting star without first panicking over the slight chance that it might be ALIENS.
  21. LOVED meat.... even though I can testify to surviving fried rabbit and craving red meat while pregnant with Lo.
  22. been "right" in the head.

Thanks, Mama Kat for yet ANOTHER fabulous prompt (stolen from the Pioneer Woman, lol.)

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Oooooh, Sparkly!

First things first, the underlying beat in this song has been my ear worm all damn day. ALL DAY. I feel like I'm on speed and I've never ever in my life hand on my heart touched the stuff. The worst part about all of this is that all though "Idioteque" is one of my most favorite songs of all time, this album was playing on repeat during one of the worst nights of my life. One of those nights where you wonder if you're going to make it home alive. Good thing for Radiohead, I can typically forget about that night once I'm entranced by the song itself.


Now then... what else was there? OH!!! Mama's been FEATURED over at The M Half!!! When I saw she had a yoga challenge going on, of COURSE I accepted. Perfect timing on her behalf, no? If you'd like to read more of my yoga guest post, follow the yellow brick road.  I love her so much, seriously you guys. She made the button above for my Ear Worms, she put out that she was accepting guest posts with me in mind (I feel so special!) and she is constantly motivating me and cheering me on. What's NOT to love? So go check her out. leave her some lovin, and come tell me how blissed out you feel after visiting her blog!

And lastly, here's a little teaser straight from Rosie HERSELF on our Ready, Set, Go program!!! I am so honored to have been selected and can't wait to see all of my fellow ladies on the 8th (as well as the celebrity guest, AND NO I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS!!!) So stop asking already. If you check the clip out, I am second row up and the farthest to the left. And yes, I am grabbing a hold of the wall/rail because OMGPANICATTACK. One day I'll have my anxiety under control, until then, I'm good for a laugh or two.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program... ((BTW, if any of you see the Rosie commercial where we're all lip-syncing - you'll know it when you see it - PLEASE let me know when and where it came on at! I'm dying to see it for myself!))

Friday, October 14, 2011

Chicago. Day Numero Dos.

Set my alarm for Atlanta time without realizing it. Since I lost an hour of my morning routine that day, I typically would have allowed that one little "loss" for the day to destroy whatever plans I had for morning. That day, I embraced the morning in a city I don’t normally feel any sort of fondness for. The view that met me when I pushed the curtains back changed that completely.

I only had three hours to eat breakfast, do my yoga, shower, prep and gather what few items I’d scattered across the hotel room. Amazingly enough, I was able to fit in a full practice. Granted it was an express practice, but I practiced all the same. AND THAT’S WHAT COUNTS. I got up, I moved, I sweat. Mission semi-accomplished. I started panicking shortly after I got out of the shower and realized I had 45 minutes to get my hair and face on and speed out the door in time to meet the other ladies headed to Harpo.
Sometimes I think others must find me totally ridiculous and awkward when they first meet me. Sometimes I just don’t have enough time to properly portray the “me” that’s hiding underneath my panicky shell. To everyone else, I’m just that girl, chain smoking and talking louder than everyone else. In real life, I don’t chain smoke either… only when I’m freaking out on the inside. Seriously. So when I was unable to smoke for my 4 hours of INSIDE HARPO, I may or may not have come off like a complete jackass.

ANYWAYS. Where was I? So, Harpo was beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Like, way WAY beyond. It’s very Oprah and you’ll have to see it for yourself one day seeing as there’s a strict no picture policy in the main lobby off the street. We went back and forth between hair/makeup/green room for a few hours and got to know all the people behind the voices we’d all spoken with for the past few weeks. All of the staff were AMAZING and it was a super nice bonus that for those of us on our special “diet” we were given a great big selection to choose from straight from the program waiting for us next to the world’s largest salad bowl. Fabulous!!! I felt bad for some girls as they’d been told we’d be fed throughout our entire Chicago trip and then discovered that was not quite true upon arrival. I was lucky in that I packed all my meals for the trip. Once we got to the stage for the shoot, panic really set on. I’m surprised I have any skin left on my palms or around my cuticles from the amount of times I rubbed my hands together. It was the only thing I could do to keep from bolting to the restroom. Rosie was super nice and I was honestly surprised by how fast the actual shooting of the show’s footage passed. Once we were done taping for the show, they finally brought us onstage and shot the promo footage for the program. The greatest part about being short is that I got to stand in the front row. I’m really hoping they use my favorite footage for one of the promo spots. Time will tell!!!
We were promptly ushered back to the greenroom area after filming to collect our things and all the swag we’d ended up acquiring during our short little stint at Harpo. Some of us will be back in a month to do our big reveals, and there might even be times when our videos from this next month’s “journey” are aired. Once I know for sure, I’ll link to Rosie’s “Ready, Set, Go” site so you can browse the progress of all us ladies going through this together. I can’t wait to see what the end results are. I just want to be under 200 again, which honestly, SHOULD NOT take that long. My first goal is an easy one, get under 200. You’ll have to hang around for my second goal. No seriously, hang around, because I have a feeling this is only the first part of an amazing journey for not only myself, but the other ladies involved as well.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

10 Things You Should Never Ask Your Spouse

  1. I can't reach this giant zit in the middle of my back. Which one? The one that looks like Mt. Vesuvius. Could you take care of that for me?
  2. Your Mother called, she wants to know if you can pick her up from the airport.
  3. I know you had plans to play Call of Duty with your brother, but I REALLY can't wait to watch the new episode of Grey's. Do you think he'd mind if you started your game 30 minutes late?
  4. You want to go to Chicago with me? Sorry, I'm taking my Mother instead. Next time?
  5. Can you help me pick out an outfit? ((And then I continue to get more depressed with each outfit I try on.))
  6. Can you go to the store? ((More because I never know what he'll come back with and then I'll have a stroke trying to explain that I HAD COUPONS FOR THAT!!!))
  7. Will you check out the (insert car part here)? It's been knocking/squealing/"whumping"/not running for WEEKS!
  8. Can you wash the cat for me?
  9. My neck hurts, will you rub it? ((Seems innocent enough, but would YOU want your spouse to stop massaging after he was done with the neck? SERIOUS.))
  10. Looks like we're having company this (insert random holiday or day that ends with "y.") Can you? Wait... where'd you go?!??

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Chicago. Day Numero Uno.

I haven't quite got the hang of recording with the iPhone, but I'm beginning to think I'm doing it all wrong. Got any pointers, innernets?

So yes, I have arrived safe and sound in Chicago after an exhausting morning filled with anxiety and panic. Yes, as a matter of fact I very well might have cried a bit and become a little emotional. I don't do well with change and/or having no control of what's happening in my life. Needless to say, I've been a bit overwhelmed with how fast life is currently moving for me. I mean, it's been less than a MONTH since I applied for a spot in this program and it wasn't even something I thought I'd come close to being chosen for. I DON'T WIN ANYTHING. Out of over 1,000 applicants, I was one of 25 chosen. That's a 2% chance of being chosen. I feel like I have a LOT to live up to.

Anyways, we made it to the airport under the impression that we were going to miss the first flight (the ONLY flight that looked like Mom -- my panic buddy -- might actually make it on to as a standby passenger.) Because she needed assistance thanks to her lovely "boot" and the inevitable delay from weather, we made it in record time AND we were able to get both of us on. Thanks to my "anxiety tummy" I hadn't eaten ANYTHING outside of my breakfast and an apple. It was close to 4:30 at that point. I scarfed down my snacks for the day and enjoyed the view. Have I mentioned it's been 4 1/2 years since I've flown last? I was EXCITED. This is also the very first time I've been to Chicago where there hasn't been 5 feet of snow on the ground, so seeing it in the daylight and arriving to temperatures slightly warmer than home is making me reconsider the OTHER word I used for Chicago. ((Think 4 letter word for poop + "ago.")) Also helps that I'm not ending my day covered head to toe in deicing fluid. That helps a little too.

"Plan" wise, while I feel like I cheated on the food diet today, I really honest to God didn't. Still doesn't keep me from feeling guilty. All the meals I've eaten from the BIG BOX OF FOOD have been damn near delicious. Better yet, I've been so stuffed by the end of the day both today and Yesterday, I haven't even wanted to check out my "Plan Cards" to see if there was anything else I forgot to eat. Today was tricky though, and tomorrow will hopefully not be as tricky. One of the first things I realized upon arriving to my room (after HOLY CRAP, we're right next to the presidential suite!!!) was the fact that I lacked a microwave to heat my meal/soup up with. No bueno, amigos! I called to see if there were any hidden staff rooms I could heat my food up in and next thing I knew, there was a Housekeeping dude toting a microwave to my room. Now that? Is service. I started setting my "table" with all the delicious goodness and realized that outside of my little southwestern chicken dish I had NOTHING by way of vegetables all day, I had my Mom order the most "greeny vegetabley" salad on the menu. It arrived with maybe a half cup each of goat cheese, dried blueberries and roasted almonds. I should have had Mom record my guilty face when I justified adding the "extras" seeing as I hadn't eaten anything other than my breakfast and snacks up until that point. I still feel guilty. It's a never ending battle of GUILT up in here.

So now I'm exhausted from all the anxiety, travel and last night's accidental choice of intense yoga (FEELIN THE BURN... STILL!) I've decided to hold off on my yoga till morning... plus? I totally packed TOO light, if there ever were such a thing.

Till Tomorrow, Chitlins!

I've always loved the view from up here. Almost like the clouds are not clouds at all, and just a cauliflower ground. I may or may not be jonesing for a "Midnight Snack."

Coming in over the lake. 


It wasn't until after I took this picture that I realized I could "zoom in" on the city's skyline.

I told him to smile like he was gettin' paid.

Mom's sweet ride. The rims were huge! What it was lacking in "spinners" it made up for in service. That poor guy was too nice to put up with my "nervous chatter."

25th Floor. The tippy tippy top. Maybe it's just me, but something's wrong if your ears "pop" while riding an elevator. The neighboring building is twice this tall. Insanity!

Dinner. Southwester Chicken and Rice with Tomato soup and probably the most expensive salad I've ever (and will ever) eaten in my life.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

If it looks like a duck... sounds like a duck...

It MUST be a goat. Obviously, I've been having issues wrapping my head around the fact that I'll be in Chicago this time Tuesday. I keep repeating it over and over in my head, "You're going to Chicago. On an airplane. You will be on The Rosie Show. You will come home." But it just doesn't compute. Somewhere in my brain I'm short circuiting and while my eyelid stopped twitching sometime last week (three weeks straight, y'all, THREE WEEKS STRAIGHT. Nothin' but twitch up in here), I'm still freaking the FRONT DOOR out. Oh, and by the way... got the ok from the producer to chitty chat with y'all about all of this. So comments are open. Ask away about diet/exercise/etc. Just... you know... let's not talk about the whole flying 600 miles to CHICAGO thing. Have we already forgotten about my stint in the O'hare basement? Have we? I can't believe that's the thing that's bugging me the most right now. Is it bugging you? IT'S BUGGING ME. I'm having flashbacks of sharing my Oatmeal Squares with baggage handlers just to keep them quiet about my sleeping arrangements. I feel like I'm visiting an ex of which I had a very nasty divorce with. Do you think they'll notice I've gained some weight (and anxiety?)

Anywhooooo. My son bit someone at school this week. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but my brain's gotta do something other than focus on the whole CHICAGO thing. He bit a child because he got so frustrated he couldn't think to ask for intervention by a teacher. Is it bad parenting on my behalf that he resorted to biting? Is it worse parenting that I would have anticipated name calling or pinching? Is it horrific parenting that I suspected my daughter would have been the one to have me pulled aside at pick up time? Lo is MY child. He's my mini-me. He feeds off my anxiety and frustrations and we bring out the worst (and best) in each other. I'm worried how all of this is going to effect him. I worry that he's going to act out again above anything else. One thing I will have to give his teacher credit for is they handled it far better than I would have. They talked to him about what happened and took away part of his recess. If you know Lo, you know that THAT killed him a little on the inside. Being outside and active is his most favorite thing ever. Outside of his geek factor, he gets that from his Daddy. I, however, remained mortified for two days straight. Each day before school I pulled him aside before he got into the car and I drilled it into him that he MUST tell the child he bit how sorry he was for his ugly behavior and that we don't act that way. I'll have to admit, that even though the week is over and done, my "parent ego" is still hurt. What could I have done to prevent this? What can I do now to keep it from happening again?

And then I met that Mom at the park. The one who's pwecious angel would NEVER hurt another child, youmustbeKIDDINGme! We had a little play date this week at a park the kids took a field trip to, and it's not a park I normally visit because it's not really convenient to us. I liked that the play area was small enough that I could easily spot the kids, but didn't like the feeling of locking them inside the gate while I waved at them and drank my coffee from the other side. I also didn't like that other Mothers were using this opportunity to lock their children inside and completely ignore the warning signs that their children were getting out of hand. See what I did there? I totally could have referred to their children as little demon spawn, but I didn't. More because I don't think kids in themselves are born as demon spawn as much as they're forced into that behavior because they aren't being disciplined or payed enough attention to. Yes, I said it, the QUEEN of "distracted" herself. Anyways, where was I? Oh yes. So the kids were inside and I was attempting to chit chat with my friend, but hello? Distracted this week. I kept attempting conversation as I nervously counted our children out "One... Two... and there's Three," every 30 seconds. I was helicopter parenting from the other side of the fence. Seriously. And then I heard Lo cry. He's sensitive, y'all. But this wasn't a normal cry, this was a "Sister just clawed me in the eyeball," cry. So I started counting heads. And that's when I saw that Mom, attempting to chase down her kid who is giggling maniacally and it's obvious via the violent swatting on HIS part what's going on. He is literally leaving kids crying in fear in his wake. How could this maybe three year old think this is ok? When that Mom finally gets back to her bench WITHOUT junior in tow I hear her explain that she didn't know what had happened, but the little boy in the blue shirt (her eyes dart over at Lo) started it. Whoa WHOA whoa, hold the phone, Mamacita. Did she seriously just lay the blame on my child? My child who, along with Lillie and several other children, was frantically attempting to escape her child's warpath? And that's when I knew my child would be ok. My child got frustrated ONE day out of 50 in the school year. My child who hung his head in shame when I sat down and made him tell me what happened. My child who peels my eyelids back when I'm "checking them for cracks" at 6:30 in the morning (don't roll your eyes at me, I don't do mornings very well anymore) tells me he loves me. My child who cries until I come back and give him "one more hug and kiss" at bedtime. My child who snuggles up next to his sister on the couch and cheers her on as she blasts through puzzle apps that would take him twice the time on the iPhone. My child will be fine. But... I still need to find a way to explain to my child why it's not ok for him to act like that child at the park. Why his Mommy didn't pull him aside and make him tell the other children he was sorry for his ugly behavior and how it's not ok EVER to act that way. I'll survive this parenting thing, I just hope my children do too.

Oh, and that other child of mine? She pooped in the potty today. Granted it was after I caught her channeling spirits in the playroom, but most of it made it into the potty and she managed to hold the rest of it till she GOT to the potty. Baby steps, people, BABY STEPS. Oh, and dearest most stubborn daughter on the face of the planet? If you're reading this one day in the future? You'd best believe there will be (hopefully drunken to get the point across) poop stories at your wedding... or maybe before your first date. I haven't decided yet.

So anyways you guys, tune in on Thursday 7/6c. Hopefully there will be no video montages of me chasing my pooping child into the bathroom. If you need help finding the channel, go here and scroll down to the bottom(ish) right hand side of the page to find the channel in your area. The episode is INTENDED to be shown Thursday, but obviously things can change last minute. I'm going to enjoy my last day of freedom before I have to start vlogging for the show (sorry, but that's the one thing I can't share with you guys yet.) But I will be guest posting over at The M Half sometime in the near future for her "31 Days" series focused on Yoga. Because YES, Yoga will be one of my main forms of constant exercise during my 15 minutes of fame.

You know you're curious. I just want to know how they make propellant organic. And yes, the final ingredient listed is "propellant." It may or may not have been the reason I bought it during yesterday's "Things I won't be eating in the next 30 days if not ever again" grocery trip. You're welcome.