Wild worry.

I used to joke that I was born to worry, and while I've learned to focus PAST the worry so I can plow straight ahead with my blinders on sometimes I am still caught off guard. Amy's "journal prompts" from this past week is having me stare deep into my fear center and bring them all to light like river pebbles held clenched in my fist.

"Write a list of everything that is causing you worry right now. List it all out. Now put on a favorite song and burn that shit over your kitchen sink. Say some words that sound like white hot spells. Imagine you will be free from worry while you write this month. Say that out loud too."

If you need a soundtrack playing in the background as you read, please feel free to blast "What the water gave me" by Florence and the Machine.

Money.

Money.

Money (ain't it funny... but not really)

Braces for thing 1 and thing 2.

Brakes or tires? What's more important? What can I push off till my next pay period?

Whether I should take their father back to court to hold him accountable for his portion of all past and upcoming medical costs or if it's not even worth my time.

Lo's heart valve and what it looks like, where is the counter at? How much time is left on his existing valve? 

Lillie's mind. Is the new therapist going to work out or am I going to have to deep dive and find a new one again before the year is over?

Lou's sudden mental awareness that has him saying (and regretting) that he hates himself, his family, the cats and being overcome with sadness/frustration.

Money.

Working in a field that it is uncommon to remain at a property for a few months/years, let alone the almost 12 years I've been in this same location for the same property management group. Will I be able to see thing 1 and thing 2 graduate while still employed here in this community? I don't want to move again until after Lillie graduates.

Losing my mother. At over 40 years old, I don't want to lose her but I've also come to the realization that my idea of her is not who she is. I've had a lot of moments in the past 2 years that have proven that there's a lot I've overlooked and allowed BECAUSE she's my mother, but as I have recently told my children (and maybe that's why it's become so close to the forefront of my mind) is that I'm aware they did not choose to be here, they are individuals and I don't EXPECT them to be reflections of "the work" I've put into them I would hope that they take my guidance to heart and build upon it in the world they will inherit as they age.

Losing my grandfather. My grandfather is my last remaining grandparent and at almost 93, I know it's coming and I'm not ever nor will I ever be ready to live in a world without him in it. The thought of receiving that call sucks all the air out of my room and makes my ears ring. He is the sun and I've been orbiting around him for almost half his life now.

Money.

Thing 1 and 2's grades. It's been a rough year academically. I've apologized to Lillie and to Lou's teachers because I feel infinite grief that there are not enough hours in the day to council all 3 of them and follow up on their efforts every day between work, cooking, bathing myself or Lou, cleaning... I didn't sign up to do this alone and I feel this has been their biggest loss since they lost their father's presence in the home. I can only do so much, but this ONE THING makes me feel like the worst parent.

My health is getting better, but I constantly worry that one wrong move will send me spiraling back to the devastation that was the holidays. Just writing that has made my stomach upset because I now realize that this past November/December was so hard mentally and physically due to losing Ollie, my RLS, diabetes and terrible insomnia. The year before? I had strep and covid. What is it about the beginning of winter that humbles me like this??

I worry something will happen to me and I don't know what that "tomorrow" would look like for them. Where would they wake up the next day? What will they eat? Who will make sure they make it to school in time? Who will take it the hardest? Need the most help? How can I prepare them for that? I've lost 3+ people in the past few months and it feels like none of my "best efforts" will really assist them when that time comes.

So that's it for today's current worries. I hope we never have to speak of them again, although I'm here if you need clarification or have answers to all of my existential crisis concerns.