Shortly after my daughter was born, her father and I joked lovingly about her mood swings. As she grew older, we attributed her quirks to being simply who she is. Yesterday, I had to make the hard decision to possibly medicate these quirks away.
The princess has always had an overly colorful imagination. She's creative, smart, loving... But. My baby's brain broke about a month ago. Coming from a long line of broken brains, we knew at least one of the three would more than likely also suffer from mental illness of some sort. On my side of the family tree alone I can list off ADD, autism, depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, schizophrenia... the list goes on. When Lou (the BABY baby) was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder we heaved a huge sigh of relief because, "this has to be it, right?" No. The princess cycled mentally alongside my "lady cycle" from birth, becoming increasingly intolerable to anything and everything and/or manic to the point of everyone she came in contact with for the week leading up to the beginning of my period. Having not experienced raising a baby girl, I figured this was normal. I've been so wrong. So very wrong.
Princess had a bit of a sticky finger issue at the school library almost 2 years ago. With one brother receiving news that his aortic valve had formed an aneurysm and the other being diagnosed as autistic, and then her father and I beginning the process of separation we thought SURELY it was a cry for attention. It was handled through the proper school officials and discipline enforced at home, and then a month ago I decided to sift through and organize our massive book collection and I found ONE book that she'd misplaced out of the many she'd returned and everything came back crashing down in her brain. For nearly a week she cycled between remorse, grief, panic and then elation, relief, and being OVERLY proactive. Every 15-20 minutes she would be high and then low. While she was low she would pace around the house sobbing uncontrollably, repeating over and over again that she needed a new life, a do over... she's nine. At 9 years old she was certain that her life would be so much better if she just hadn't lived this one at all. Problem solved! Just need to start over! When she started down this path of attempting to find logic in an illogical choice, I began the hunt for a psychiatrist. I was going to be damned to lose my daughter to an illness that robbed ME of my adolescence.
Each appointment she was a different person. Quiet, chatty, sugary sweet and talking in a baby voice, defiant, remorseful... Between the questions from the doctors, nurses and therapists, our family history, and everything that lead up to the point of me bringing her in. I decided today to sign an agreement to try medication. They hadn't yet put a finger on just WHAT is going on in my sweet girl's noggin, but all signs are pointing to bipolar disorder and/or high functioning autism. And no matter what diagnosis she receives in the end, it has been a roller coaster ride I never wanted on in the first place and I sure as shit bet that my daughter didn't sign up for this either. Prepubescence has taken a toll on her brain and I'm hesitant to get excited at the thought she just might sleep for the first night in a week instead of finding her doing push ups and jumping jacks at 11:45 at night in the middle of the living room.
Mental health has become such a HUGE concern these past few years, especially with the loss of my uncle, one of my parent's decisions to check themselves into a mental health facility while on the edge of a major mental breakdown, the metamorphosis I've gone through in the past 6 years from barely functional to strong independent woman... We can't ignore the signs or brush them off as quirks for as long as we do when it comes to our loved ones. I am glad I got my sweet girl into see and talk to someone unbiased with resources and productive coping mechanisms before she truly broke down. I'm working to make our bond stronger and allow her trust in me to grow as she's always default to her father of whom she gets the majority of her "quirks" from. I want to be able to cultivate all that is beautiful inside of her and encourage her to also be proactive about her mental health.
So ya'll, wish us luck as we start this journey together. It's not a journey I wanted for her or for any of us.
The princess has always had an overly colorful imagination. She's creative, smart, loving... But. My baby's brain broke about a month ago. Coming from a long line of broken brains, we knew at least one of the three would more than likely also suffer from mental illness of some sort. On my side of the family tree alone I can list off ADD, autism, depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, schizophrenia... the list goes on. When Lou (the BABY baby) was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder we heaved a huge sigh of relief because, "this has to be it, right?" No. The princess cycled mentally alongside my "lady cycle" from birth, becoming increasingly intolerable to anything and everything and/or manic to the point of everyone she came in contact with for the week leading up to the beginning of my period. Having not experienced raising a baby girl, I figured this was normal. I've been so wrong. So very wrong.
Princess had a bit of a sticky finger issue at the school library almost 2 years ago. With one brother receiving news that his aortic valve had formed an aneurysm and the other being diagnosed as autistic, and then her father and I beginning the process of separation we thought SURELY it was a cry for attention. It was handled through the proper school officials and discipline enforced at home, and then a month ago I decided to sift through and organize our massive book collection and I found ONE book that she'd misplaced out of the many she'd returned and everything came back crashing down in her brain. For nearly a week she cycled between remorse, grief, panic and then elation, relief, and being OVERLY proactive. Every 15-20 minutes she would be high and then low. While she was low she would pace around the house sobbing uncontrollably, repeating over and over again that she needed a new life, a do over... she's nine. At 9 years old she was certain that her life would be so much better if she just hadn't lived this one at all. Problem solved! Just need to start over! When she started down this path of attempting to find logic in an illogical choice, I began the hunt for a psychiatrist. I was going to be damned to lose my daughter to an illness that robbed ME of my adolescence.
Each appointment she was a different person. Quiet, chatty, sugary sweet and talking in a baby voice, defiant, remorseful... Between the questions from the doctors, nurses and therapists, our family history, and everything that lead up to the point of me bringing her in. I decided today to sign an agreement to try medication. They hadn't yet put a finger on just WHAT is going on in my sweet girl's noggin, but all signs are pointing to bipolar disorder and/or high functioning autism. And no matter what diagnosis she receives in the end, it has been a roller coaster ride I never wanted on in the first place and I sure as shit bet that my daughter didn't sign up for this either. Prepubescence has taken a toll on her brain and I'm hesitant to get excited at the thought she just might sleep for the first night in a week instead of finding her doing push ups and jumping jacks at 11:45 at night in the middle of the living room.
Mental health has become such a HUGE concern these past few years, especially with the loss of my uncle, one of my parent's decisions to check themselves into a mental health facility while on the edge of a major mental breakdown, the metamorphosis I've gone through in the past 6 years from barely functional to strong independent woman... We can't ignore the signs or brush them off as quirks for as long as we do when it comes to our loved ones. I am glad I got my sweet girl into see and talk to someone unbiased with resources and productive coping mechanisms before she truly broke down. I'm working to make our bond stronger and allow her trust in me to grow as she's always default to her father of whom she gets the majority of her "quirks" from. I want to be able to cultivate all that is beautiful inside of her and encourage her to also be proactive about her mental health.
So ya'll, wish us luck as we start this journey together. It's not a journey I wanted for her or for any of us.
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