Last week my therapist asked me to blog more. You see, I've been slipping back into some kind of muck that I can't really label other than... well... muck. I thought we were getting ahead in life for a short moment and just as quickly, the rug was pulled out from under me and it made me angry and feeling more alone than before. There have been too many "rug pulling" moments since the New Year, and now that we're already over a quarter of the way through 2012, I'm ready to for all this nonsense to end. It's been dragging on way too long. Longer than the past three months should legally feel.
If you haven't already gathered, I've signed on to do an "A-Z blogging challenge." Each day represents a letter of the alphabet and my post has to reflect a word correlating to that letter. For today, "A" could mean a lot of things. I should warn you now that what I originally wanted to be a fun and lighthearted challenge, might end up a little dirty with extra heaping helpings of soul baring. Can you handle the truth? Well? Can you?
Alone, angry, aggravated, agitated, abandoned, ablaze, absurd, afraid, annoyed, anxious, and ashamed. I've felt all of these this week as well as these past few months. I didn't list them in any particular order, but the most felt are alone and anxious. It's hard to adapt to life when you realize that whether you like it or not, you're not always in control, that your mind can and will take the wheel and force you to stop everything while holding a gun to your chest. As the lovely Bloggess so lovingly told me, "depression is an ugly bed-fellow of anxiety, and it lies. It lies like
crazy and you can't trust your own head." It's true. So very true.