Sunday, April 15, 2012

I just want to go home.

Have you ever felt like that? Where you could be sitting on the couch, clipping coupons and this little subconscious thought pops into your head... that you just want to go home. But silly you, you ARE home. These are your couches, your coffee table, your kids and animals. Just where is this home you want to go to?

These baby birds would really like for me to find my own home so I can get up out of their faces. Who knew that if you provided a bird house, actual birds would move in.

Yesterday I had a very unsuccessful yard sale, like all my yard sales typically go. Apparently my things aren't as valuable to anyone else as they are to me. Who DOESN'T want a tabletop reversable Foosball and air hockey table? I MEAN, COME ON! I had all the makings of a decent sale, and even hauled everything over to my Mom's house (she normally has decent sales.) Nada. Hardly any bites. I made $50, and I'm trying to stay positive, but Mama needs money. I need to move.

 
 The kids enjoyed Yard Sale day, but only because they were at Grandma's house which meant Mommy wasn't cooking and actual hot breakfast (granted, from a fast food chain) was served. Let's not talk about the fact that they each had a bowl of cereal not an hour before this picture was taken. Black holes... both of them.

The gypsy in me is itching to run screaming down the street with everything important to me in my arms. I feel unsettled here for the first time in nearly 5 years. I spoke a few posts back about feeling as if I'm a hamster constantly running and falling off my wheel. Now I just feel like I'm in housing limbo. We can always just stay here and continue chugging along like we've been doing, but... I don't want to anymore. I can't. This arrangement needs to change because I feel like this is no longer my home. I don't know what changed my mindset as we've attempted making the move before, but now this feeling is too hard to ignore. I'm looking down both paths in my head and it's not that the grass seems greener on the path out, but more that a hurricane is barreling towards us if we stay. I can't explain it anymore than that, because I don't even understand. It's just a gut feeling that we have to go or our entire lives will be upended.

They're growing so fast, so ridiculously fast and I can't stop to catch my breath for fear they'll be married and old if I do. We need a change, for their sake as much as ours.
 
I came home from the yard sale slightly sunburned and sporting a serious headache, which of course raged into a full blown migraine right at bedtime. Convenient, no? So I went on Facebook and asked if anyone else ever felt that guttural homesickness, the unnerving urge to just go home when in fact you're already there. I was overwhelmed by the responses. "ALL.THE.TIME., I feel homesick all the time. I think its the connection of a place and time when things were simple and safe., hate that feeling, OMGYES! I thought I was just strange! Lol, Yep! The feeling used to get so strong I'd literally just sit in my room and cry and wonder wth was wrong with me. I still feel like that sometimes and I still have yet to figure out why." I'm not alone in this, which is reassuring and discomforting all at the same time. Other than actually running down the street till we feel settled, how do we get past this without completely screwing ourselves financially? Of course I'm worried about finances, OF COURSE. Money is constantly my worry, can we do this? Can we do that? Can we afford to send the peanut to school next year or let her skip a year seeing as she's not technically required to go and the lottery program won't kick in for her till fall of next year? Can we do this alone instead of being reliant on others as we've been in the past? I make myself sick with worry when all I CAN do is worry. It's what I'm best at, y'all!

 
If only I could get away with being this stylish and carefree. Maybe "home" is a state of mind. I'd like to live in Lillie's state of mind. Just for a minute.
 
I was so discouraged at the end of the sale that I donated nearly everything. All my too big clothes, all my books not worth keeping, all my craft supplies that I had best intentions for... I did, however, bring the changing table home seeing as it was a major source of anguish between Lillie and myself when I took it out of the bathroom. Girlfriend will be going to college in pull-ups at this point. I quit. Potty training is my number one source of birth control right now thanks to her. I just... I didn't want to bring anything home. I wanted to sell it all, put the cash in savings and have less things to pack up. The voice in my head tells me it's time to pack, so therefore, no more shit coming through those doors! Everything must go! And yet, it didn't go. And all I wanted to do was cry when my Step Father asked me what to do with everything. I allowed myself one Rubbermaid bin to fill with items coming back to the house. Everything else got loaded up on the back of his truck. I've realized that I don't want to put my craft room back together. It's been months since we moved our work spaces around and all my craft stuff is in literal piles. Nothing is organized anymore. It's not that I don't want to craft, I do! I want to be inspired and get my hands dirty and ruin some more clothes with Mod Podge. But... I just want to pack it all up. I don't want to settle into a space here anymore, I don't want to paint or clean anymore carpets in this house unless it's as a last ditch effort to make the place more presentable after we've moved everything out. It took everything I had to clean the kids bathroom today just because I was over it. OVER IT. I am so grateful they have a bathroom and bedrooms to nest themselves in, but I'm ready for positive change. I'm ready. God please hear me when I say those words. I'm ready for whatever it is that you have in store for me, but please let it be positive or lead me on a path with a better outcome!

12 comments:

  1. I don't think He would purposly set you on a path without a better outcome. I think we have to take what we're given, listen to ourselves, and know that we will make it through. I gots some absolute positive rock your world shit going on right now, but something in me keeps telling me it's going to be ok. I don't know if that's God's voice or not, but I'm holding on to it. That's all I can suggest you do. Listen to that voice that's tell you it's time to go and figure out how to do it as best you can.

    And training. Eh. It'll happen. The minute you stop worrying (I know, I know!) it'll be done and you'll think damn wasn't I just obsessing over that? I done proclaimed it, so you claim it!

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    1. I knew I could count of you to have some wisdom for me. Both for the homesick thoughts and for my little pooper. I'm trying hard to put it all in his hands and just let it go. My anxiety would be very grateful if I did. I feel like I'm obsessing over every little thing right now. Doesn't help that I'm already on the receiving end of guilt trips from family though. God bless my passive aggressive family.

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  2. That's such a coincidence that you wrote this. I was just having that feeling the other day. I think, for me at least, it has to do with wanting to be somewhere where you don't have the responsibilities, where someone else is doing the busy-work and the worrying and I am just being snuggled and loved and satisfied knowing that everything will be okay. Just like when I was a child and would whine out that same phrase. I wanted my Mommy (safety and comfort) and to be told everything would be all right.

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    1. Ok, so by pure coincidence I checked my spam comments and THERE WAS YOUR COMMENT? WTF??? This is why I don't attempt to respond to comments via my phone. It's always a recipe for disaster!

      I whole heartedly agree that it probably is more state of mind than the physical action of being somewhere. Having lots of anxiety lately related to stability/security/etc. And this is why I blog. Are you still reading? Hello?

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  3. Your comment about your kids growing up so fast: that hits so close to home. I feel the same about mine, and every day I wish I could somehow slow down time.

    Enjoyed your post and look forward to following your blog!

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    1. Glad to have you tag along on my journey!!! I showed my Husband the picture of the kids digging up Grandma's porch area, it's just so obvious that Lo is just barely a Kindergartner. NOT OK!!! QUIT GROWING!!! :)

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  4. Oh, I wish I had been there to do an intervention which would have resulted in you running...not walking....away from the garage sale plan! So much work for so little good to come from it. I know there are people out there who rake in the green AND clear their house by these means. You and me? We are NOT these people! Instead we are the people who are exhausted and depressed by the process. But_OK, it is done. So, now we ask "what have we learned?" I know you know the answer! Never,ever, ever again!
    Donate and itemize. You will come out ahead every time! Plus you will save yourself a ton of time and work.

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    1. LOL, My mom said the SAME THING to me... and then she said, "nevermind.... this time next year you'll want to do another one." It just always seems like SUCH a good idea!!! And every time. EVERY. TIME. Shaking my head.

      I hate to donate so much good stuff without first giving it a chance to make me some $$$. Sigh.

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  5. You are just trying to accommodate the gypsy in your soul. I have one too and I usually indulge it dragging my whole brood along with me. There have been negatives but, mostly positives along the way. It's never boring!

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    1. See now, boring is definitely something we're not around here. :) I come from a long line of "gypsies" so they're never surprised when I get the itch to run. Now if I could actually RUN run and satisfy the itch that way. I'd be one skinny lady. :)

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  6. I often want to go home too. Even when I am snuggled up on the couch. Sometimes a place just isn't what you need.

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    1. Starting to think the same thing. Maybe I'm just yearning for more stability.

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