Thursday, April 5, 2012

H is for Heartbreak

First of all, as you've probably noticed, I've dropped out of the "A-Z" challenge. Typically I like to see things through to the end, but I have way too much going on right now that has me at a total loss for words when I sit down to write at the end of the day. I'm simply emotionally and physically drained by the time the kids are down.

Let's talk about Grandparents. My Grandmother is suffering from Alzheimer's. My Father made the decision to move out of her place after months of accusations and confrontations. We've both started receiving calls from her, detailing how there are people with red eyes on her porch at night talking about how they're going to kill her. We're in a bit of a sticky situation, however, in that she doesn't believe she's sick and everything that she needs to have happen she won't agree to. Her Doctor still needs a psychologist to assess her to give her the actual diagnosis of Alzheimer's. It kills me to watch her deteriorate this way, and to know that my children won't know her like I did.

I tell you this because we're dealing with our own situation here in this house. Do not immediately thing that Grandpa has Alzheimer's, he does not. But the situation will end with us leaving this house, because this isn't going to stop until we're no longer here. And that kills me. I would rather throw caution to the wind and force us to become independent than to stay here and have our kids see him negatively. Yes, I'm sheltering them from this as best I can and no, I don't see anything regrettable in that. They love and view him as a fixed structure in their family makeup, and that's great, it's wonderful. But I need them out from underneath him. I needed some time this week to totally freak out over what's going on. Seeing as it's Thursday and I'm finally writing, I declare this freak out a success. Specifically since I spent all day Monday sobbing uncontrollably... and I? Am NOT a crier. Pretty sure my therapist feels completely sideswiped after seeing me Monday. I just can't do this anymore. I can't stay here and watch what I know completely go to shit. The only people benefiting from being here anymore are the kids and Grandpa as the kids have an endless supply of candy and snacks while Grandpa gets the joy of watching them grow and progress. I will miss this for both of them, but neither is worth staying for in the big picture.

I am non-confrontational, a big chicken. I can't handle "big talks" from my elders, when my side of the story is just as logical and valid or when I know something to be completely untrue. I become heartbroken and physically upset when the ones I love are at odds with one another. I can't do this anymore, I can't keep the peace when I don't even know how to anymore. Now when I'm completely distressed, I find myself thinking I want to go home. It's time.

On a totally different and so much more positive note, the Color Run Encore run is Saturday and I CAN NOT WAIT. I'm hoping that it marks the beginning of a beautiful and empowering start to one of the more exciting times of our lives. We need this, I need this.

Time to allow for more positivity and sunshine on my blog again. I don't like all this dark.

16 comments:

  1. H is for Hate that you're hurting. And for Hugs sent from Austin.

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  2. And selfishly, for Halle-freakin-lujah that comment didn't post multiple times. Yet.

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  3. Here's to light and goodness and freak outs leading to betterness.

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    1. I need more "bettering" freak outs. That's for damn sure.

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  4. I am glad you have the run to look forward to--I hope it sparks some positive energy that you need so much right now by the sounds of things.

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    1. The run was AH-MAZING!!! New post will be up shortly.

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  5. Sounds like you really have your hands full right now. Sorry about your gran. My hubby's grandad had this too, it was so sad,
    Stopping by from A to Z #893
    Leigh @oneandoneequalstwinfun.com

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    1. My hands are so full right now. SO full. It's taking everything I have not to go running screaming down the street.

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  6. Yikes! Sorry you're not A to Zeding cuz you sound great, if stressed out. I'm in a bit of a stress bind too and try to remember the encouraging words of Dorey in Finding Nemo 'just keep swimming, just keep swimming' It is sad about your grandmother and I guess I'm not getting the problem with your grandfather but all will become clear. Both my parents are gone and my partner's mum lives in Labrador in a hospital and has zero short-term memory. She's kind of pleasant with it - nicer than she used to be!! Oh too much blathering - get out and run and I'll go up and meditate. See you later...I like the cut of your jib!

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    1. A-Z is a fantastic challenge, I'm just not mentally in a place where I can commit to it. Horrible as that may sound. "Dorey" is always in my head too!!!

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  7. I am so sorry to hear about all the trial you are enduring right now. Caring with loved one who has Alzheimers is tough. We had to care for our grandma and it was toughest when they did not understand they were sick and changing. I will be praying you find grace and strength to endure!

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    1. While I don't think my Grandfather is slipping into Alzheimer's, I do fully believe that his age is catching up with him. As much as it saddens me, I think it is his children's turn to take over when it comes to keeping a watchful eye on him.

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  8. I am very sorry that you are having to deal with this--it is so hard to see people we love 'disappear' before our eyes. I hope that things improve for you soon--your plate is already way too full!

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    1. I need things to improve, or I just might burst. Knock on wood, things are changing around here and not just mentally.

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