Tuesday, March 20, 2012

(8) Fears.



I've got fears. I has them. I am always battling some little fear or another. The ones that cripple me though are as follows.

  1. Where I used to be a total control freak when it comes to driving, I now have a major fear of something happening to me behind the wheel. What if I'm on my way to pick the kids up and my Husband is in bed sleeping. Will the teachers call him? How will the kids handle me being incapacitated, or worse off, dead.
  2. I constantly worry that while we have all our major debt paid off from our ridiculous pasts, that we will somehow manage to get back into the hole after all our hard work to get it paid off in the first place.
  3. That I will find that old man. That I will go upstairs and I'll be the one to find him when he goes. Or that I will do something wrong in an attempt to save him. After losing so many of his brothers and being the oldest of all of them, he worries a lot aloud that he might not make it another year. I know that if I'd had that many siblings, and felt as if I'd raised the majority of them, I'd probably feel as if my time were running out as well. I just don't want that to happen because of me or while we are here, the worst part is I feel that if something were to happen to him shortly after we move, it would be ALL OUR FAULT. I always feel guilty for everything... that guilt, however, would kill me.
  4. That I'm going to lose a child. To illness, accident, etc. With Logan now having 3 conditions to fuss myself sick over, I... well... fuss myself sick over it. I dutifully chop a baby aspirin in half every morning to give to him with his breakfast, I listen to his chest after he plays hard to get an idea as to whether or not he'll need a treatment later... I get all twitchy and flinchy when we're outside and the bees and wasps are happy to be alive all over our yard. I thought about getting him a medic alert bracelet to satisfy my worry, but then backed out because HOLY CRAP that's a lot to engrave on the back.
  5. Cancer. I know I have some pretty serious sun damage on my face from the years I spent going in and out of the desert. However, it's only just now started to scare me. There are spots on my face that look like blemishes that, well, aren't. The only time I had a facial was the LAST time I had a facial, because she tried to expel them, and um, no? I need some serious healthcare coverage because I'm pretty sure once I start seeing a dermatologist, I'm going to end up looking like a damn jack-o-lantern. The worst part of all of this, is that I always always ALWAYS wear some sort of sunscreen on my face. Especially when I was headed into the desert.
  6. Getting to the end of this life and finding out that everything I knew was wrong or a lie. Let's just leave it at that.
  7. I just got to thinking about the "hypothetical situation" of what you wouldn't be able to leave behind, what would strike fear in your heart if you couldn't save that "one thing" in a fire/flood. Outside of my family (this includes pets... yes... even Bubbles the 10 pound goldfish and Mustachio his pint sized side kick, obviously I grab the nearest box and swoop all my photos and family mementos into it. There are some things that are worth more than gold. If it were just ONE thing, I'd nab my iPhone. Because it is my other lover. A year ago I scoffed at the idea of being so attached to an electronic device... but here I am. Hello. My name is Tiffany and I would rather curl up in a ball and hyperventilate than lose mah preciousssss iPhone.
  8. That my 80 year contract to the love of my life, somehow falls through. That he dies before the contract is up. That something tragic happens and we go in separate directions. I mean, these things DO happen. I'm still wrecked over that whole Heather and Jon situation. I just read her book! They seemed so beneficial to one another! I'm so SO confused! How did this happen???? They just, split. It literally strikes fear down to my core to think that these things DO happen. My own parents fought to keep their marriage for over 15 years. FIFTEEN YEARS. Only to discover that divorce was, in their case, their best option. I just... no. There has to be a way to beat all the odds. I can't accept that 9 times out of 10, today's marriages rarely make it to old age and Geritol.

13 comments:

  1. Oh, sweet Tiffany. I'm not sure it's a good idea to prompt you to list 8 fears. ;-)

    "Worry is like a rocking chair--it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere." - I don't know who said it.

    And

    Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~Leo Buscaglia

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great quotes, M! I remember them frequently.

      Delete
  2. Oh, both of those adages/quotes are so true! SO TRUE! And I'm one of those angry anxious people. I know I'm panicking or worrying over nothing and then in return get livid with myself for being so ridiculous! It is a viscous, tiring cycle of fear/anger/anxiety/rage/etc. I am happy to say though, that just as I'd commented on a different comment over on my 9 loves, it was much easier to write about what I loved than what I worried about. To me? That is progress. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Worry is useless and wasteful in times like these." Jewel

    Pretty sure you'll now worry about the fact that you are worrying so much.

    Love, me

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is my infamous vicious cycle. :/

      Delete
  4. I can relate to these especially 4&6. Hope you find a way to beat the anxiety...(klonopin has been my savior :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's been mine as well, but I'm super stubborn about having to take pills. SIGH. I know I NEED to take it, I just don't want to think that my mind is weak or messed up enough to need it.

      Delete
  5. My husband asked the other day if I thought fear was learned or if we are born with it. I had to straddle the fence. On one hand, I've seen kids who decide it's a good idea to slide head first down the stairs. No fear. And then there are some toddlers who are afraid of the dark. No one has told/taught them they should be afraid or that there is something scary under their bed/in the closet. It's just there. So. I say it depends on the person. I'd make an excellent politician.

    Worry is an evil bitch and she hates me. She's always hanging around, always taunting, trying to consume my mind. The quotes that M wrote are great. I should print them out and carry them with me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Worry is awful... AWFUL. And I'm on the fence about fear being genetic. My Dad is a worry wart, I'm a worry wart, and my son has the same ridiculous fears I have. Once his anxiety starts to build, there's no stopping until a full on meltdown bursts down the doors. It's insane. INSANE. I hate to think that I built him this way, so to speak, but maybe we are predestined to certain traits.

      Delete
  6. I know where you are with number 3. I know it's hard, and it'll be hard not to feel guilty.
    As for number 4 you can get a medic alert flash drive. It's a necklace, and the doctors can down load all the necessary info, you can add to it, and it's a good way to keep everyone up to date, and now most EMT's have a laptop thing it can be plugged into and they can read it. They are about 50 bucks, but WORTH IT. We bought one for the 3 of us in the house with serious issues. I haven't done mine yet, but both mom and dad's are up to date.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH MAN!!! I never even thought about medic alert flash drives!!! My Husband the techy medic should have said something to me about this, or at least known about it long before someone had to tell me! :) Definitely worth it when my son's chart is starting to outgrown my own.

      Delete

There was an error in this gadget