Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Never gonna live this down...

Mama Kat's prompts for the week included this little gem: You know the stories that are retold a million times at family gatherings? I call them Life Stories that you just never live down. List your Top 10 Life Stories.

Are you guys ready for this? Oh yes... these are good...

  1. In Kindergarten, I refused to talk. Instead, I strictly spoke as a cat and crawled around on the floor much like a cat would. I did my best to completely embody all that is feline. Outside, of course, of cleaning my nether regions in front of my classmates. Because of my fantastic imagination, I was sent to secondary Kindergarten, "K-2." I still won't let it go that my parents didn't speak up for my active imagination and just agreed that I was batshit crazy.
  2. I liked to throw things in High School. I took out my teenage angst on my Mother, A LOT. Whenever we got into heated arguments, I would throw whatever was closest to me at her in an attempt to shut her up. ((Please tell me we've all gotten to that point with our parents as teenagers, most just don't act on it, right?)) The most memorable item we lost to my anger? An enormous Tupperware container filled with sugar. Let's just say that when it hit the floor, the lid flew off and sugar went E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E. I was sweeping up sugar for hours.
  3. My Sister would eat ANYTHING, so I gave her hot mustard at my Grandparent's house. Mammaw LOST IT on me... it was probably the only time I'd seen her completely infuriated at any of her Grandkids.
  4. We spent a lot of time at my Grandparent's house (yes, the one I live in now). My youngest Uncle is only 16 years older than I am and lived in the basement when I was growing up. My cousins also lived here during this time period. Being the eldest of the cousins, it was super easy to convince them to do pretty much anything. Like sticking a bunch of raw eggs into my Uncle's pillow case. If I didn't commit the act myself, I didn't technically do it, right?
  5. There was this one time in High School that I managed to hot glue my hands together. I was working on a personal art project and found out very quickly that hot glue runs like water when applied to Styrofoam. My initial reaction was to rub it off like Elmer's glue and ended up with my skin melting under the glue. On both hands. I locked myself in the bathroom with my hands under the faucet in shock. I remember my Mom standing outside the door in an attempt to find out why I was sobbing and repeating to myself that I could peel it off myself. She took me to the Emergency Room where I got myself stuck in the bathroom (both my hands were submerged in a large travel cup filled with ice water). I don't know how long it took for my Mom to find me. I left the ER with my hands bandaged like mittens as the only alternative to letting the skin heal on its own with the glue still attached was to take the melted layer of skin off. We opted for "Tiffany Mitten Hands" instead. Imagine explaining that one in class the next day while you're all screwed up on codeine.
  6. I'm going to throw my Dad under the bus on this one. Sorry in advance, Dad! I was studying in my room one night when I dozed off at the foot of my bed. When I woke up I decided to just go to bed and when I went to turn the light off saw a spider the size of my fist crawling across my carpet. I screamed bloody murder and my Dad ran in. Dad screamed bloody murder and my Mom came in and beat the shit out of it. Dad and I are pretty useless around big scary bugs still to this day. I'd rather my skin fall off than have to kill one myself.
  7. My little sister is 6 years younger than I am, and by the time I became a "tween" I guess, I stopped playing with her and her friends (who were all boys for the most part). Some of the boys came over and asked if she could come out to the little BMX trail they'd all made. Something felt off and I ended up following them out there to find them pushing her around. Lets just say I lost it on some little boys who knew better and they left her alone after that. 
  8. The poor poor Husband fell victim to my inappropriate laughter fits many times in the past. He's not super graceful (then again, neither am I) and when we lived in the loft, I had asked him to see if he could put something under the bed for me. I'm not really sure how he came to the conclusion that he could slide himself under the bed, but he ended up pulling himself headfirst into the bed frame and gouging his head open. I laughed so hard I had to cross my legs. He still won't let it go that I'm completely heartless.
  9. Before the Husband and I started dating, I worked for a regional airline that flew short little 1 hour flights. One particular day we did something close to 10 flights in one day. The Captain I was with bought us all drinks once we got back to the hotel. Since there was no bar he picked up a couple of cases and we got ridiculously drunk. Since we had over 24 hours on our layover, we were totally legal to party that night. I remember waking up in the middle of the night in my hotel room and having to pee, unfortunately, I'd forgotten where I was and left my room. In my underwear and a t-shirt. Without my key card. Thank God nobody was in the lobby at 3 in the morning when I had to explain myself to the front desk.
  10. (I'm starting to stretch for stories at this point, so you may or may not have heard this one before in a previous post.) My Mom and Sister were both in the labor and delivery room when I was in active labor with Lo. Because I was anti needles in my spine, I opted instead for the narcotics route (later choosing an epidural, because HOLY SHIT, contractions suck, man!) While heavily doped up, apparently my Mom caught me rubbing my belly and got concerned. She asked me what I was doing and I told her I was going to have kittens. "SO MANY KITTENS," to be exact.
So you see, it all comes full circle. I have a cat problem apparently. You're welcome, now let's never talk of these things again, ok?

20 comments:

  1. I am going to pee on myself, I know it. OMG I can't even pick out one thing from here to comment on b/c I'm laughing like shit at AAAAAAAAALL of it.

    Thank you so much. I seriously needed this this morning. And thank you for the hand holding offer. I just may take you up on it.

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    1. I used to joke that God created me for humor related purposes. Glad I was able to give you a good laugh. ;)

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  2. BwaHaHaHaa! I'm feeling much better about my stories now! Thank You. :D

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    1. Once I get some down time, I'll have to come check everyone else's out!

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  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sooooooooooooooooooooo funny!

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    1. Thanks! It's good to laugh at it now, some weren't so funny when they were happening. :)

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  4. "So many kittens...." That is CLASSIC!

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    1. Classic indeed! If only I'd known it was puppies!

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  5. Ohmygoodness these are perfect!

    {And as a former Kindergarten teacher? Dying at the first one!!}

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    1. Die away, my dear! My Daughter is going through a cat phase where she answers everything with a "meow." My Mom calls it payback, I call it AWESOME.

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  6. I was going to say, "me too" for not speaking in kindergarten, but then you went all cat and that wasn't me...I'm all about dogs! My daughter went through a puppy phase too when she was in K, and it made me laugh so much thinking, 'so this is how my mom felt!'

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    1. Never been a dog person! BUT, we referred to my Son as "Puppy" for a while as it was the only way to get him to behave. My Daughter does the whole cat thing. Standing firm on the actively imaginative stance. :)

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  7. So glad I kept reading your blog and scrolled down to this post. I love that you thought you were a kitten in kindergarten and then later when in labor... I was cracking up at that one.
    Hot glue guns can do that? Yikes! I have burned myself with mine so many times,but not like that!

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    1. My hot glue gun at the time was ancient and never seemed to stop at any maximum heat setting. It just kept getting hotter and hotter till you couldn't hold it to push the trigger anymore. Well, it literally poured out of the glue gun and yes, I'm living proof that your skin can melt on contact. So glad you kept reading too!!

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  8. These were so funny. I do love that started with the only speaking cat and then giving birth to a litter of kittens! ;)

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    1. The best part is I didn't plan to start and finish with cats! My poor Husband, if he weren't so against cats I'd have hundreds of them. My one (ancient) cat is all I get. Which makes both the cat and the Husband happy. Thanks for stopping in!!!

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  9. These stories are priceless - I've never actually glued my fingers together, but I've come close...LOL!

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    1. I have a long running bad history with glue of all kinds.

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