Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Mom Fail.

A year ago Lo started 3-K... and every single day that Lillie came with me, we would leave the school a sobbing snotty mess. More her than me, to be honest. It was like this all year long. Field trips she would get to come with us (I'm a room Mom, yay suburbia!) and EVERY TIME the student teachers and the head teacher would look at her, look at me, look at her, look back at me and ask, "She's not quite/only 2? Are you sure? But she speaks like an 8 year old? She can draw Dora? She can build a bridge by HERSELF in less than 4 hours? ARE YOU SURE?" Yes I'm sure she's my daughter, born early 2009, and she's been speaking just.like.that since she was 6 months old (more or less.) And then of course came the suggestions that maybe she should enter pre-k with her Brother. And I would laugh, oh how I laughed... During that first week of 3-K, Lo went on poop strike. One that was so extreme that it is still referred to to this day as Poop Strike 2010. You see, I'd been potty training him off and on (VERY unsuccessfully obviously) for over a year and a half. The boy could pee on command no problem, but pooping? He laughed in my face and then smeared poop on the wall. Oh, and by the way, it's gonna be one of THOSE posts. Hope you all have children and can sympathize! Oh little boys, AREN'T THEY DARLING??!?! So on the very first day of school we go over the necessary rules, don't bite, don't say ugly things to people unless you want them to say ugly things back, listen to your teacher, etc. etc. etc. and then I pulled the car over, turned around and looked directly at him and said, "Oh, and they won't let you poop your pants at school. If they catch you so much as making stinks (gas) outside of the bathroom they will send you home till you can learn to poop in the potty." And that, ladies and gentleman is how you DON'T potty train your child. During that time Lo went on poop strike.

Fast forward to this past Summer. Enter, Vacation Bible School Meltdown(s) of Holy Epic Proportions. And yes, the capitalization are very necessary. He? Went through an extreme separation anxiety phase where he would look me dead square in the eye with the most serious 4 year old expression a not quite 4 year old could wear and ask, "Mommy! MOM! MA! You stay here for THIS MANY (holds up many fingers, constantly changing the amount) minutes ok? OK? And then you come back. YOU ALWAYS COME BACK. IT PUTS THE LOTION ON THE SKIN... OK?" and then as I'm attempting to scale the fence in the play yard with Lillie under my arm I'll feel these hot sweaty (almost) 4 year old boy arms latching onto my leg and "OMG, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE ME EAT COOKIES, DRINK JUICE AND PLAY AND SING SONGS AND LET'S GO HOME NOW, OK??!?" Once Lo was talked down off the ceiling, Lillie would break out the hysterics and snot bubbles and all the VBS teachers would start begging the higher ups to pleeeeease let that sweet pwecious widdle baaaaby stay with her Brother!??! It never worked and every single time without fail, both kids would be a hot mess and I'd end up sobbing myself all the way back to the house.

Fast forward to today.

Ok, not really, here's a funny story that happened OOOOOH, a week ago at Lo's 4-K orientation where I quite literally came off the fence about Homeschooling. More on that topic later. Tomorrow sound good to you? Fantastic! So the Husband and I are in the Parent/Teacher meeting while the kids are greeting each other (some for the first time) and getting a feel for the newish layout. I can still hear Lo faintly behind the glass door, "Mommy? MAMA? WHERE ARE YOU WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!" Ok, maybe not the last part, but just as dire sounding all the same. I never once heard Lillie do her ear piercing scream that she does when her space is invaded. So obviously someone had stolen her. I start having a panic attack (for more reasons than one) and rush outside to find the kiddie potty, scanning for my children as I dash across the room. Lillie is reading books to the teachers and Lo spots me and attaches himself to my leg. I narrowly avert disaster by reminding him that his Father is looking for him in the other room. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I = evil. Once I'm composed again, and feel well enough to speak to the head Teacher, she begins to broach the idea of Lillie joining 3-K early. I wasn't entirely sold on the idea until she said that she had no plans of filling another kid's spot who had backed out to keep class size to a minimum... UNLESS it was for Lillie of course. I told her I'd think about it... not 5 minutes down the road I text her asking about doing a trial run for a few days. She asked for an economy size package of paper towels in return. And that, my friends, is how you barter for your children's education. Take note, amigos!
 So today, we WERE talking about today... right?

Today my baby started her trial run. Today she wore big girl pants all day and didn't once have to be changed. Today, I once again threatened my child about pooping in their pants. Because I am that stupid. She hasn't pooped in 24 hours. Tomorrow's snacks will consist of Quaker Oatmeal Square cereal and prunes... and also lots and lots of sitting on the potty chair and reading "Once Upon A Potty." On the bright side, I didn't say she'd be kicked out of school... I simply told her that it was like going to the pool where we can't poop in class, we had to tell someone we needed to go potty. I thought I was brilliant! I thought, AT LAST! I'VE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT! And then she refused to pee all day until I started re-reading "Once Upon a Potty" and broke out Lo's old (gag me) plastic potty chair from the depths of the under sink storage where I'd hoped it'd gone to die. Welcome to Poop Strike 2011. Let's not talk about how I gave her a few Mylicon drops before bed in hopes for the best first thing tomorrow. Instead, let's talk about the fact that she had more fun at school today than I think she'd had in her entire life. So much fun that when we got to the school, Lo was plastered against the door much the same as last year and when I walked inside and they announced I'd come to pick her up, she saw me, LEAPED from her chair at the snack table screaming, "NO, ME DON'T WANT TOOOOOO!" and hid under the play table across the room. She was sobbing and snotty and convinced she was not allowed to come back and partake in all the fun to be had tomorrow. It took my Husband dragging her out by the legs.


So here's hoping tomorrow doesn't present itself with a basket full of fresh baked FAIL... and seriously, we'll get to the Homeschooling discussion... mkay?


  1. I don't have children (for a laundry list of reasons) and this. was. awesome! I was on the edge of my seat, literally, seeing the whole thing unfold in my mind. Whew!

    And this, my dear, is why I have cats. ;-)

  2. I'm so glad you're here to read this! I was beginning to wonder if it'd actually posted. :) I have a cat. I love cats. Cats are FREAKING CAKE compared to children... but... BUT... children are a whole other venture and I've had no regrets. Just like my cat, I am CONSTANTLY worrying about my children. Did they eat enough? Have they pooped? WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE, ARE THEY HYDRATED ENOUGH??!? This is my life. I was MADE to worry.

    Speaking of poop, we're going into 48 hours where she won't even pass gas. I'm not above giving her laxatives at this point. After prunes, Quaker Oatmeal Squares, pineapple, and Mylicon drops (think baby gas-x) she STILL won't go. I even massaged her belly in hopes she'd rip a big one.

    Maybe you're right, at least with cats all I have to do is scoop poop and move on with my life. Nah, who am I kidding? I was made to be a Mommy. :)

  3. I never realized how hard all these school decisions would be to make! I taught my oldest pre-school at home and then waffled back and forth on homeschooling her for Kindergarten or sending her to school. She's such a social kid that we decided to send her off to school, but I still worry if that's the right decision!

    Worrying seems to be part of this mom thing, though!

  4. I hear popcorn is a good laxative too. Good luck!! :-)

  5. Betsy, I've got a Homeschooling post coming up soon. Keep your eyes peeled. ;)

    M, I happen to have popcorn... guess that will be their afternoon snack today!

  6. My first kid ruined me, RUINED ME, I tell you. She was a late potty user (1 month before she turned 3) but once she did she was a ROCK STAR. No issues, no accidents. It was a fabulous.

    Kid #2...whole nother story. She is a month PAST 3 and there is no sign of potty training as a possibility in sight. We had to cancel her preschool spot because kids need to be potty trained. She gets super constipated, we try to get her to go, fights with us, finally goes, ends up with MAJOR acidic poops that burn her bum. So now even the THOUGHT of pooing freaks her out. She fights getting changed, has such horrible diaper rash the skin is COMING OFF and bleeds!!

    OMG, it is horrible, horrible...I am traumitized, she is traumitized...I wonder if hypnosis is a possibility for kids...

    Visiting from Mama Kats

  7. Carrie, I'm traumatized just reading about your kid #2. I might have to start hypnosis on her if she doesn't just "let it all out" soon.

  8. Oh, poop. It is scary. Counting my blessings as my little guy still sticks with the diaper!

  9. I've got her in diapers at bedtime and during school, because seriously... I'll be happy if she poops her pants at school. She's only 2 1/2 so I'm trying not to sweat the fact that she's wearing them half the day.

  10. Why do kids do this to us? My daughter potty-trained like a dream at 2. My son, 2 1/2, runs into the backyard screaming every time I suggest the possibility of a potty.

  11. Emily, it's their poop, and by golly they want to keep it ALL for themselves! What's killing me the most about all of this? When Lo was at the tail end (no pun intended) of his potty training he also had poop issues. Lillie walked in at 1 1/2, ripped her diaper off in front of us, sat on the potty and POOPED like she'd been doing it for years (more like just to show him that she could do it and he couldn't.)

  12. My son is going to school, kindergarten, in a week and a half. Two weeks ago he wet his pants eight times in two days and was breathing funny. I am thinking ER and my pediatrician said it was just kindergarten jitters.

    I couldn't believe it! Surely my son had to have a bladder infection?!

    Sure enough, after some talking, reading the right books and a Kinder Prep course, Tyler got more comfortable and the peeing and horrific breathing has stopped!


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